Agenda is your head

Me : Hi, I just called to say there's a review meeting this Friday at 3 pm. Please attend.
Indian agency : Yes, sir, we will be there! Just tell us location.

Foreign agency : There's a meeting? This Friday?!
Me : (No, last friday. I called to circulate minutes orally)
Foreign agency : Who's calling for this meeting?
Me : (Your father and my father calling joint meeting of both families)
FA : What's to review? I mean review of what exactly?
Me : (Dey! If I tell to come, just come silently, man. Indian agency coming no? Like that)
FA : What's the agenda?
Me : (Agenda is your head. We want to see the wire in your head that is always asking agenda, agenda. Except when cash is paid against your invoice. That time agenda, bagenda all forget)
FA : Can we make it next month instead? I have something else lined up on that day.
Me : (What? Nextuuuuu monthaa? Your this playfulness only we like very much. Cancel that something else and come)
FA : We need to pull in some resources from abroad for this meeting.
Me : (Then you are what for? I'll call that guy directly only no? and I will pay prorata that much less after subtracting your personal time being charged)
FA : We can't be presenting that piece. That's well outside our scope of services.
Me : (First tell what is inside scope, machi. All pieces falling in the well outside your scope. Inside scope only arbitration for nonpayment of your fee, that also in neutral country)
FA : We can't be held responsible for that delay. We highlighted this possibility in the previous meeting and you should have taken action
Me : (Dey! We don't take action on highlighting and all, da dey. We take only postmortem action, that's our style)
FA : Our objective view is that this whole 10 week project will take about 6 months to complete
Me : (Who said 10 weeks, man? If you say 10 weeks to Indian agency it means full-fledged 2 year project. Instead, if you give realistic timeline to them, they will soon make it unrealistic)
FA : Could we at least do a "premeeting" to look at pending issues?
Me : (Pending issues in "premeeting" means then in "meeting" what will you do? Just drinking tea and leaving?)
FA : Could we do a conference call at least?
Me : (For last time, stop calling normal phone calls conference call. Minimum is 3 in India)
FA : We'll be there. Tell us the location.
Me : (This you could have asked at the beginning only no? And avoided this unnecessary "conference call" heehee)

School students go on indefinite fast to protest changing social studies syllabus : PM intervenes

Talks began at the apex meeting today between the Indian Prime Minister and Suneil Sharma, class leader, 7 'C', AP Public School at Hyderabad and sources say the students might call off the fast this evening, which would be one more feather in the PM's cap. This would be the thirteenth time in the last year that the PM has intervened and saved fasters' lives, in the process conceding five new states, a couple of new rivers, his private jet, besides agreeing to say 'Hail Sonya! Mere paas maa hai' at every meeting he attends.
To refresh readers' memories, the fifth new state was announced last month, splitting Bengal, as a preemptive move, when Rani Mukerjee was spotted fasting for her critically declaimed role in Dil Bole Kadippa. Students flunked Social Studies exams as a result and this resulted in stray rioting across the country. "Everyone knows we depend on map marks to pass", says Suneil, recalling the events of the last few months, "and we just can't remember 34 states apart from knowing where the metro cities, tigers and wheat plantations are in the country. The choice was either to get beaten at home or to go on a fast and that's what we've done"
Sources say the PM has agreed to knock off a few fundamental rights to make civics easier and this was well received by the student population.

Gurkanth Desai absurdity se nahin dartha...

GD :
Khada ho jaoon ya iske liye bhi license chahiye.
(har har)

Aap kehte hai main kanoon ke khilaaf hoon. 40 saal pehle ek aur aadmi tha jo kanoon ke khilaaf tha, aaj hum unko Bapu kehte hain.

(Oh my god, Gandhiji? Really? I guess it's better than appearing in the Mont Blanc campaign)

Unke waqt main ghulami kanoon tha, unhone naya kanoon banaya - humari azadi ka kanoon. Main bapu nahi hoon main bas apna dhanda karna janta hoon, mehnat janta hoon garibi janta hoon.

(So the analogy is gurkanth desai: Gandhiji::tax evasion:freedom struggle?)

Do kameez ek biwi aur ek saale le kar Bombay aaya tha, socha tha business karoonga. Yahan pahuncha to dekha ki dhande karne ke saare darwaze band the. Who khulte the to sirf ameeron ke liye. Sarkari darwaze the yeh aap ke banaye hue, ya to laat mar kar khulte the ya ji hazoori de ke. Maine dono kiya jahan laat mar sakta tha laat maari, jahan bola salaam do maine bola salaam lo.

(this is a confession? the case can be closed here?)

Aaj mujhe yahan khada kar ke aap log yeh kah rahe ki yeh aadmi itni laat kyon marta hai, sala salam bahut karta hai. Kis baat se naraz hai aap meri tarakki se ya meri tarakki ki tezi se ya isliye sab gussa hai ki ek mamooli ganwar ki had se aagey chala gaya hoon main

(is baat se naraaz hain ki aapki yeh speech ya tho irrelevant hai ya illogical, aur isse mera sar fod raha hai)

Aapne ilzaam lagaya hai na mujh par excise, custom, income tax ye tax woh tax.jab dhanda maine shuru kiya tha in sab shabdon ka matlab nahi janta tha

(ah,the 'ignorance of the law' approach)

kai baar gira hoon tab jaa kar seekha hoon. Paise bachane ke liye Payedhooni se 20-20 km chala hoon Kelasilk ka ye bada gadda sar pe dho ke. Paise ki keemat kya hoti hai main janta hoon, agar paisa ban sakta tha to maine banaya hai lekin sirf apne liye nahi apne 30 lakh shareholders ke liye bhi.

Panel: Aapke kuch 3 minute baaki hai

(you've gotta be kidding me!haaaalp!)

GD: Mere ko yeh golf khelna nahi aata, ye ghode ki race bhi nahi khelta hoon

(kaun kambakht poocha yaar yeh sab)

lekin apne dhande ka mazboot khiladi hoon main. Polyster banana janta hoon fibre, chemical woh bhi A1 quality ka sabse saste daam main. Yeh hai meri galti is liye maafi mangoon aap se?

(no, fool, read the charges. And we are asking you to go to jail, not apologise)

Petrol pump attendant tha main dabbe le ke ghoomta tha jaise apna desh haath faila ke ghoomta hai world bank ke aagey paise de do sadak banana hai.

(ridiculous analogy #n)

Kyon na badle kismet humari, humari aur humare desh ki, aap chahte hai main humesha petrol pump attendant rahoon. Humein kyon teesri duniya bulaya jaata hai humein bhi haq hai pehli duniya ban ne ka aur hum ban sakte hai. Hum wahan pahunch sakte hai woh upar top tak.

Yahan tak pahunchne ke liye bahut kuch khoya hai maine yeh haath khoye hai maine latka rehta hai sala. Aur jab tak yeh enquiry khatam hogi na jaane kya kya kho doonga main apni awaz, apna dimaag.

(abey kaunsa dimaag?)

Lekin ek cheez aap mujhse nahi cheen paoge woh hai meri himmat, woh nahi khoonga main. Kyonki meri himaat aam aadmi ki himmat hai, is desh ki himmat hai.

(oh boy)

aap log sab milke mujhe rokna chahthe hain na? main akele nahin hoon. mere saath poora desh hai. aur desh ko rokne ki taakat aap mein nahin hai. na hi aapke kaanoon mein. jo darwaze aap bandh rakhna chahthe hain, woh khul rahein hain.

(haan, jail ke darwaaze)

taang hada di humnein usme aur hamaari taang bahut mazbooth hai. Arey is desh ki tarakki par kaunsi enquiry bithayenge aap aur humein kaun si enquiry rok payegi. Aap ne mujhe 5 minute diya than a sadhe 4 minute main sab khatam kar diya. 30 second munafa yahi hota hai business aur agar iske liye bhi aap mujhe sazaa sena chahe to de dijiye Gurukant Desai saza se nahi darta.

(kya dialogue writer saza se dartha hai? poochke batana yaar...)

So the defense can be summarised as follows.
GD can't be convicted because
- the law keeps changing so it's not reliable to base convictions on it
- his offences have enabled other people to make money
- his courage is the country's courage and the common man's courage and to stop him means to stop the country and the common man, both of which are understandably infeasible.
- the motives of the panel are questionable - they want to punish him because they want the country to not progress, business to be difficult, to snatch his courage and are also allegedly upset by the fact that he was a poor villager/petrol pump attendant. They have, as always, covered up these real motives in a veil of jargon such as customs duty evasion and so on.
- he came to Bombay with his wife and brother in law and they knew as much law as the do kameez which also they carried.
- putting him in jail will amount to applying for a World Bank loan.

What is interesting is that the panel acquits him. And more interestingly, the movie was a hit.

Poha - a wife-daughter in law-her brother-his friend story

Veteran Amitab Bachan-film maker Balkee's ambitious new project was announced today at Juhu at the Big Bee's residence. 'This will be a touching tale of Jeya making omelette and the Big Bee rejecting it and asking for Poha instead' he said. 'It's inspired by my very astute observation one morning when I was breakfasting with the Bachans. I noticed that Jeya'd made omelette and Mr. Bachan rejected it and asked for Poha. I went back and googled for a medical disorder that would make a person reject perfectly good omelettes and instead found one where the patient is convinced that his inane observations are in fact, profound. Something to do with the temporal lobe - anyways, that's for my next film in which I would play the lead role myself'. Poha is a short 30 minute thriller to be shot with handheld cameras in the Bachan residence itself, the kitchen to be specific.

Nobama shatters 100m world record, runs a 9.49

When Usain Bolt ran a 9.58 at Berlin, the world assumed he would be the world's fastest man for a long time to come. Well, US President, Nobel Peace Prize and Miss Hawaii winner Parack Nobama, had other ideas. In a widely telecast speech yesterday at Chicago, he scorched the podium by clocking 9.49 seconds (wind assisted) as the whole world watched in disbelief.
The President started off in characteristic style, personifying Chicago repeatedly and making an impassioned plea to the International Olympic Committee to select it as the venue for the 2016 Olympics. Chicago will then be the home of new world records and new feats previously thought impossible, he said. Can man run 100 m in less than 9.5 seconds - yes, he can, yes, he can, he added to thunderous applause. There was a call from the IOC Chairman, who congratulated the President on his incomplete speech and moved by the contents, awarded the 2012 and 2016 Olympic Gold medals to him over the phone and gave him a timing of 9.49 seconds. The athletics fraternity is, however, skeptical about the time and has called for dope tests on the President and his speech writer, for which the official protocol is now being worked out. If they pass, poor Ussain Bolt will have to wait till 2020 to win back his gold medal.

US aid goes to LETe directly, Zardarey sees red

The US Senate today approved a USD 2.2 bn donation to Pakisthan as part of their ongoing aid programme. But two conditions that they plan to enforce have left the Pakisthani PM Zardarey fuming. One, the donation will be in the form of thermonuclear warheads and two, these will be shipped directly to Leshkar E Teiba , now a banned government agency in Pakisthan. An analysis of the utilisation of the previous aid package revealed that a large chunk of the funds were used up in administrative costs and the beneficiaries, Al kaeda and LETe saw barely half the money allotted for the attacks they planned to carry out. PM Zardarey denied this and said he would take this up with the US President during his upcoming visit to the States.
Meanwhile, former civil servant and current head of LETe, Zaeed, who is credited with having masterminded the 26/11 attacks, was overjoyed at the US Senate's decision. "First good news all day" he said, after paying Rs 500/- when the Lahore HC decided that the 11th dossier of evidence from New Delhi was sufficient to incriminate him, and sentenced him to pay a fine.

Explanation

"Each person is different. For instance, you may be very different from me. And he may be different from you. She may be different from him. And he may be very different from her. It's natural that there are differences. That will always be the case. For instance, you two may agree on something but may be completely different in this aspect. What's more, the two of them may be different from you and so on and so forth etc etc etc. As I said, this cannot be avoided. Differences between two individuals are to be expected. You two may not be able to agree on something, for example...."
"See, that's the thing. Customers differ in their needs. One customer may not always be the same as another customer. In fact, in more cases than not, each customer is different. What I'm saying is that if you take one customer, let's say we take X, here. X is a customer. And then we take Y, here. Y is another customer. X will want something, for instance A. Just for the sake of example, mind you. I mean X may want B also, let's just assume he wants A. Now it cannot be said that Y will want the same thing. In fact Y will be very very different from X, you can take that from me..."
"Take the people sitting around this table, for instance. Let's say X here, goes to buy a car..."
Let's say X runs you over with it. The very different Y and his car, which is undoubtedly different from X's car, are hereby excused from appearing in this analogy.