Dear Mr. Ajay, can you please send us your revised offer asap? Thanks
Trrrring.
'Hi, Ajay here. I just saw your email. Our revised offer is 4 lakhs'
'Oh ok, can you reply to my email saying this?'
'Email shemail kya yaar. When we are meeting and phoning and talking, what's the necessity of email? hehe'
Ok, I'll have to do it myself then.
Dear Mr. Ajay, we spoke. We are going ahead with the order on the basis of your revised quote of Rs 4 lakhs. Can you please 'email' me the address to which the order needs to be sent?
Please, God, no. New message alert. Yay! For once, an emailed reply to an emailed query.
Hi, js sw ur mesg cn u pls cll?? - Ajay
He better have something to tell me in addition to his address.
'Hi, Ajay?'
'Haan you wanted my address na, ABC enterprises, 34-5, Grant Road...'
This does not make sense. Does he have a keyboard allergy? That does it. No more phone conversations. My new mission in this world is to make email the only accepted means of communication. I create an sms template that goes out to every caller whose call I miss deliberately. 'I'm in a meeting. Please email'.
The only result of this strike is that I have a bunch of emails from Ajay, all of which say the same thing
got your sms. can you pls call
tried calling u but dnt gt thru. cn u pls call
gt an sms from u asking me to email. cn u pls call
Email is Ajay's paging device. He automatically calls people who email him, as a reflex. And the emails he sends out are only requests to call him back. I shall not budge till he understands the full range of functionality of Outlook Express and/or gmail. There is a small chance he's being arrested and I'm the one phone call he's allowed. He seems to have access to email though so that's unlikely. I decide to not call Ajay till I receive an email from him with actual content.
Ajay, this email is with reference to a meeting we have scheduled for tomorrow which you are required to attend. Please confirm by way of an email. I'm getting into a flight right now and will not be reachable for the next few hours.
hi - will attnd. thr r some paymnt issues. cn we discus that tmrw at the meeting?
Yay! There are at least 3 separate bits of content in that email, none of which is a request to call him.
Dear Mr. Vivek, Can you send us some product brochures please?
hi - cn u call pl?
Vivek, welcome to my 3-week Voice-to-Data Personal Transformation Program...
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
CWG compromise : Beijing Olympics to be re-telecast
Sports fans all over the world can breathe free - the Commonwealth Games to be held in India in October this year will take place as scheduled, though only on television. After a month-long negotiation, China decided to hand over exclusive re-telecast rights of the 2008 Beijing Olympics to Doordarshan today. This means hundreds of hours of sporting action, seen only once or twice before, with fresh perspectives on the same events from DD's expert commentary team.
'Am as interested as anyone else in finding out what Charoo Sharma has to say about my 9.69 second 100m run' said Usayn Bolt adding to the hype surrounding the upcoming event. Of course, medal winners from Beijing '08 who don't belong to any of the commonwealth nations will be stripped of their medals at CWG, 2010.
'Am as interested as anyone else in finding out what Charoo Sharma has to say about my 9.69 second 100m run' said Usayn Bolt adding to the hype surrounding the upcoming event. Of course, medal winners from Beijing '08 who don't belong to any of the commonwealth nations will be stripped of their medals at CWG, 2010.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
More Blahrbs
A 200,000$ job with one of the largest corporate law firms in the world , a luxurious BMW, a lovely wife and two kids from her previous marriage, a plush apartment, Scott Fcall had everything going for him.
Till he was asked to defend a man who went by the name 'Baxter', a 20 year old accused of peddling cocaine, killing some folks, armed robbery and so on.
Taking the case would surely be a high risk career move depending solely on a last minute brainwave for victory.
Fcall refused to take the case though - why would he want to give up all the neat stuff I mentioned earlier? More Details inside! Read now!
-------
Everything seemed to be peaceful and nice in Robin Moore's life but a mysterious call from his past threatened to change it all and turn his life upside down. His ex-wife Joan was in deep trouble.
Once a millionaire heiress, she was now accused of peddling cocaine, killing some people in a pub and murdering her dad for insurance money.
Will he be able to defend her without letting his emotions come in the way?
Yes.
Will he be able to save her?
Also, yes. She was the victim of a conspiracy, as it turned out. Some other dude did all of that stuff and framed her. He confesses on his own in the 10th chapter so Robin doesn't have to do much but he does take some of the credit for solving the case, riling up the confessor a little bit.
Or will evil triumph over rich lawyers living out a lull period in their lives?
No. Well, not in this book at least.
Till he was asked to defend a man who went by the name 'Baxter', a 20 year old accused of peddling cocaine, killing some folks, armed robbery and so on.
Taking the case would surely be a high risk career move depending solely on a last minute brainwave for victory.
Fcall refused to take the case though - why would he want to give up all the neat stuff I mentioned earlier? More Details inside! Read now!
-------
Everything seemed to be peaceful and nice in Robin Moore's life but a mysterious call from his past threatened to change it all and turn his life upside down. His ex-wife Joan was in deep trouble.
Once a millionaire heiress, she was now accused of peddling cocaine, killing some people in a pub and murdering her dad for insurance money.
Will he be able to defend her without letting his emotions come in the way?
Yes.
Will he be able to save her?
Also, yes. She was the victim of a conspiracy, as it turned out. Some other dude did all of that stuff and framed her. He confesses on his own in the 10th chapter so Robin doesn't have to do much but he does take some of the credit for solving the case, riling up the confessor a little bit.
Or will evil triumph over rich lawyers living out a lull period in their lives?
No. Well, not in this book at least.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Genius uncut
Two things happened this past month that provided me genuine insight into a complex problem that mankind has been grappling with for many centuries now. The nature of genius. What constitutes genius? What makes an immeasurably talented blogger (me) a genius of a writer (me)? What makes Vishy Anand win a tournament? That's probably not a great example, he made some bad moves now and then. Let's focus instead on what made me win an under-16 Pune intra-school chess tournament at the tender age of 21 apart from a fake birth certificate.
The first insight I got was from Malcolm Gladell's 'Outliers'. His contention is that a genius has to first put in 10000 hours of hard work. I did that through my insightful and profoundly philosophical blog posts, of course. What separates me from the likes of Einstein, Bill Gates, Da Vinci and other such luminaries is not the fact that their genius was in any way inferior to my own, but the fact that I have achieved what I have on the internet, and those dudes definitely didn't have to compete with online porn! Also the now well-known fact that I'm pseudoanarchistcapitallibertarianistic with subtle rightwingy tendencies while they were not.
The second insight came when our very own Vishy Anand was crowned World Champion. This took me back to the days when I was playing pro-chess myself while solving relativity problems and watching Small Wonder on Star World all at the same time. I remembered the time when I, embarrassingly enough, played a novel opening move that had never been tried in the history of the game. If you must know, I tried to move my king.
What I'm really trying to say is that innate talent, which I have in excess, is never enough. If you think I just woke up one day a genius, think again. I also put in the hours. When my impulse was to unwind with some light reading like Kant or Kafka, I instead chose to blog incessantly about Rakhie Sawant. It's no wonder that my book turned out to be, in the opinion of one of blogosphere's stalwarts (again, me), the bestest book ever.
- Am it
The first insight I got was from Malcolm Gladell's 'Outliers'. His contention is that a genius has to first put in 10000 hours of hard work. I did that through my insightful and profoundly philosophical blog posts, of course. What separates me from the likes of Einstein, Bill Gates, Da Vinci and other such luminaries is not the fact that their genius was in any way inferior to my own, but the fact that I have achieved what I have on the internet, and those dudes definitely didn't have to compete with online porn! Also the now well-known fact that I'm pseudoanarchistcapitallibertarianistic with subtle rightwingy tendencies while they were not.
The second insight came when our very own Vishy Anand was crowned World Champion. This took me back to the days when I was playing pro-chess myself while solving relativity problems and watching Small Wonder on Star World all at the same time. I remembered the time when I, embarrassingly enough, played a novel opening move that had never been tried in the history of the game. If you must know, I tried to move my king.
What I'm really trying to say is that innate talent, which I have in excess, is never enough. If you think I just woke up one day a genius, think again. I also put in the hours. When my impulse was to unwind with some light reading like Kant or Kafka, I instead chose to blog incessantly about Rakhie Sawant. It's no wonder that my book turned out to be, in the opinion of one of blogosphere's stalwarts (again, me), the bestest book ever.
- Am it
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Past Update
Hi
HR is in the process of updating your profile for our database. As you are aware, this is a six monthly process since we would like to always have the latest information about you in our records. Please fill in the following details. Explanatory notes have been added for your benefit.
Name in capital letters : HR has seen several cases where names have changed in the last financial year due to religious conversions, witness protection programs and so on. Also capital lettering itself is seeing a paradigm shift with many new fonts entering the market.
Parents' names in capital letters : In case you have been put up for adoption by harried parents, you can leave this as TBD
Educational Institutes
1. School : HR has noticed that in the hurry to get to a better future, people often don't take time to upgrade their past. This is seen in the shady unknown school names that people fill up in their profile forms. If you have always craved a better primary school education, this is your chance to do something about it.
2. College : -do-
Work Experience
Company 1 : Think you got a raw deal in your first job? It's time to change!
Company 2 : We would like to know if you changed companies in the period 2005-2007 anytime in the last 6 months.
Company 3 : We would like to know if you changed companies in the period 2007-2009 anytime in the last 6 months
Other information : HR understands that your contact information viz. mobile phone number and email, your other interests, recent training programs you attended, current work experience and so on are forever in a state of flux and accurate information about these cannot be provided by you. So these have been excluded in the update form.
PS : Please inform us immediately if you haven't received this email so we can send across a hard copy.
HR is in the process of updating your profile for our database. As you are aware, this is a six monthly process since we would like to always have the latest information about you in our records. Please fill in the following details. Explanatory notes have been added for your benefit.
Name in capital letters : HR has seen several cases where names have changed in the last financial year due to religious conversions, witness protection programs and so on. Also capital lettering itself is seeing a paradigm shift with many new fonts entering the market.
Parents' names in capital letters : In case you have been put up for adoption by harried parents, you can leave this as TBD
Educational Institutes
1. School : HR has noticed that in the hurry to get to a better future, people often don't take time to upgrade their past. This is seen in the shady unknown school names that people fill up in their profile forms. If you have always craved a better primary school education, this is your chance to do something about it.
2. College : -do-
Work Experience
Company 1 : Think you got a raw deal in your first job? It's time to change!
Company 2 : We would like to know if you changed companies in the period 2005-2007 anytime in the last 6 months.
Company 3 : We would like to know if you changed companies in the period 2007-2009 anytime in the last 6 months
Other information : HR understands that your contact information viz. mobile phone number and email, your other interests, recent training programs you attended, current work experience and so on are forever in a state of flux and accurate information about these cannot be provided by you. So these have been excluded in the update form.
PS : Please inform us immediately if you haven't received this email so we can send across a hard copy.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Mumbai was attacked sometime in the 2007-2008 period : Special Court
After a lightning trial conducted over a two year period, the special court found today that the city of Mumbai was attacked sometime in 2008. The court today attempted to put an accurate date on it with the help of the prime suspect, Kajmal Asab, as the country waited with bated breath. "The case has been going on for so long that I only remember bits and pieces of the incident", Kajmal said. The court refused to take his confession on record because his memory was 'unreliable'.
"However we have some good news. We have concluded that the city was indeed attacked. So there is no room for doubt on that front" the judge said. Defence put up a brave show claiming that the episode was a media-TRP conspiracy but lost in the face of piles of evidence and Kajmal's own testimony where he listed the lives he took and submitted photos taken from his cell phone camera.
"The next step is to open a line of communication with Pakistan to send us all the suspects to try. We have spoken to Ornab Goshwami of Times-New to do this. He's rounded up Gillani, their cricket board chairman and Meena, the model who got in trouble in Pakistan for bold photoshoots, to debate this handover process tonight" the judge said.
"However we have some good news. We have concluded that the city was indeed attacked. So there is no room for doubt on that front" the judge said. Defence put up a brave show claiming that the episode was a media-TRP conspiracy but lost in the face of piles of evidence and Kajmal's own testimony where he listed the lives he took and submitted photos taken from his cell phone camera.
"The next step is to open a line of communication with Pakistan to send us all the suspects to try. We have spoken to Ornab Goshwami of Times-New to do this. He's rounded up Gillani, their cricket board chairman and Meena, the model who got in trouble in Pakistan for bold photoshoots, to debate this handover process tonight" the judge said.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Attuned
4 pm : Scheduled start of concert. But it's in fact the scheduled start of tuning time.
4 pm - 6 pm : Adjustments of music instruments, mikes. 20 second bits of the songs that are going to be played in the concert
6 pm : Compere sent out to pacify irritated crowd.
Compere (Co) : Hello, Mumbaaaaaaaaaaai
Crowd (Cr) : Refund.
Co : Are you having fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun?
Cr : No. But hey, did you know there's a point in getting angrier and angrier when a person stops breathing? I'm somewhere there.
Co : I know we are a bit delayed but what the hell, it's going to be a wonderful night. We are gonna rock tonight. Aren't we, Mumbai?
Cr : Shadthefahkup
Co : I didn't hear you. Show me what you got Mumbaaaai. Are we gonna raaaaawck?
Cr : Hmm. No. But you're gonna suck.
Co : (Looking left) What about folks this side? You're very quiet tonight? Let me hear you. Put your hands together.
Cr : We want to try and put our hands together with your head in between.
Co : Is that all? Let's try one more time. Let's hear it for Mumbaaaaaaaaaaai.
A section of the crowd (Cr') now feels the tension of having paid a huge amount of money for the ticket. What if there's no concert? We better shout now and get our money's worth of forced enjoyment.
Cr : (reading the minds of Cr') No No No. Don't encourage her.
Cr' : (Feebly) Yeaaaaaaaaaaa
Cr : Dammit.
Co climbs the self esteem ladder i.e. goes from incredulity in being able to elicit a noise despite being completely talentless, to belief that this in itself was her talent
Co : (positively glowing) Thaaaaaaat's more like it. Once more. Aaaaare weeeee gonna rock it tonight? (points mike in the direction of Cr')
Cr' : Yeaaaaaa
Cr : Should we leave? Is there going to be a concert at all?
Co : (not pushing Cr') Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Indipop's latest sensation...
Cr : It's about time.
Co : ...who will be here any minute now. Meanwhile, here's something for you for having been such a wonderful crowd tonight.
Much mindless handing out of freebies later, pop sensation arrives. Cr dreams up an ideal scenario...
Po : Am I laaaaaate?
Cr : Yeaaaaaaa!
Po : Should I redistribute my personal wealth amongst all of you for having sat through these torturous 4 hours?
Cr : Exclude Cr'. They seemed to be having fun.
Po : Should the organisers and the compere be starved for 2 days for boring the crap out of you?
Cr : Yeaaaaaaa! You rock!
Po : Without embarrassing all you gentlemen from good backgrounds, I want you to fling a couple of stones and old footwear at the organisers, the compere and at me. Be careful not to hurt me too bad coz' I have to perform (laughs nervously)
Cr start chanting 'we love you'
Po : Should I perform now?
Cr : Nooooooooooooo! Don't ruin it now. Best concert evvvvva!
4 pm - 6 pm : Adjustments of music instruments, mikes. 20 second bits of the songs that are going to be played in the concert
6 pm : Compere sent out to pacify irritated crowd.
Compere (Co) : Hello, Mumbaaaaaaaaaaai
Crowd (Cr) : Refund.
Co : Are you having fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun?
Cr : No. But hey, did you know there's a point in getting angrier and angrier when a person stops breathing? I'm somewhere there.
Co : I know we are a bit delayed but what the hell, it's going to be a wonderful night. We are gonna rock tonight. Aren't we, Mumbai?
Cr : Shadthefahkup
Co : I didn't hear you. Show me what you got Mumbaaaai. Are we gonna raaaaawck?
Cr : Hmm. No. But you're gonna suck.
Co : (Looking left) What about folks this side? You're very quiet tonight? Let me hear you. Put your hands together.
Cr : We want to try and put our hands together with your head in between.
Co : Is that all? Let's try one more time. Let's hear it for Mumbaaaaaaaaaaai.
A section of the crowd (Cr') now feels the tension of having paid a huge amount of money for the ticket. What if there's no concert? We better shout now and get our money's worth of forced enjoyment.
Cr : (reading the minds of Cr') No No No. Don't encourage her.
Cr' : (Feebly) Yeaaaaaaaaaaa
Cr : Dammit.
Co climbs the self esteem ladder i.e. goes from incredulity in being able to elicit a noise despite being completely talentless, to belief that this in itself was her talent
Co : (positively glowing) Thaaaaaaat's more like it. Once more. Aaaaare weeeee gonna rock it tonight? (points mike in the direction of Cr')
Cr' : Yeaaaaaa
Cr : Should we leave? Is there going to be a concert at all?
Co : (not pushing Cr') Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Indipop's latest sensation...
Cr : It's about time.
Co : ...who will be here any minute now. Meanwhile, here's something for you for having been such a wonderful crowd tonight.
Much mindless handing out of freebies later, pop sensation arrives. Cr dreams up an ideal scenario...
Po : Am I laaaaaate?
Cr : Yeaaaaaaa!
Po : Should I redistribute my personal wealth amongst all of you for having sat through these torturous 4 hours?
Cr : Exclude Cr'. They seemed to be having fun.
Po : Should the organisers and the compere be starved for 2 days for boring the crap out of you?
Cr : Yeaaaaaaa! You rock!
Po : Without embarrassing all you gentlemen from good backgrounds, I want you to fling a couple of stones and old footwear at the organisers, the compere and at me. Be careful not to hurt me too bad coz' I have to perform (laughs nervously)
Cr start chanting 'we love you'
Po : Should I perform now?
Cr : Nooooooooooooo! Don't ruin it now. Best concert evvvvva!
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