Phunny Murty launches iFidel

Serial sex offender Phunny Murty launched a new app today in Vegas amidst widespread speculation and curiosity mostly about his personal life though, not the app. Nicknamed the iFidel, the app allows you to customise a pre-nuptial agreement for extra marital affairs, the first of its kind. Also called the pre-extra-nup-app, the app is primarily meant to protect the founder-promoter from expensive out-of-court settlements, when the extra-nuptialled women decide to turn hostile.
In the post launch press meet, Phunny was at his combative best. Transcript below.
Q. What's the status of the 5 pending lawsuits against you?
A. Can we stick to questions about iFidel please?
Q. No.
A. I can't comment obviously. But I'll say this - I'm in independent relationships with 4 women at the moment, 2 of which are marriages, I think. I have to check with my lawyer. This is in addition to my long standing marriage which has only been strengthened by ...er... the other marriages.
Q. Dude, if you're this disgusting, how come women still flock to you and your wives don't leave you either?
A. Who understands women? If you figure them out, I'll take a lesson from you
Q. Ok what's this stupid app about?
A. I'm glad you asked. Throughout my life, I've been a victim of gold-digging women who sleep with me and think I'm a soft target. Not anymore! You'll have to sign the customised pre-extra-nup agreement that the app throws up on my phone, before I agree to sleep with you.
Q. Can you instead just stop trying to sleep with every woman you encounter at the workplace?
A. I'm not violating any company policy as far as I'm aware.
Q. That's because it's your company...
A. Yes, that's right
Q. ...and your company policy explicitly states that all the women in the office have to sleep with you at some point, and inform their superior immediately after. And the superior has to sleep with you in turn, if it's a woman. And so on.
A. Not before they sign on the iFidel, no sir!
Q. So what will they be signing?
A. That the act is 100% consensual and they will send 6 invites each on my behalf, to other women in the office to indulge in similar consensual acts with me. That's the viral digital marketing clause - it's the next big thing. And thirdly, they can't sue me ever.
Q. That doesn't sound legally valid.
A. Oh yeah? I already have 5 signatures. And one download by some @tigerwoodz
Q. Good for you. Do you ever regret these 27 extramarital relationships you've had?
A. That's a toughie. Yeah, some of them weren't as good as they looked, if you know what I mean.
Q. Sir, at a time when the nation's looking desperately for role models, it's also important to show the people what not to become and who better than you to not emulate. We thank you for that.

Chakravyuh

Customer (C) : Hi, I called to ask about the voice mail function in my new Android phone. There seems to be a problem with activating it.
Google Support (G) : If you go to Settings, there's a voice mail drop down, on which you have to click 'enable'. That should solve your problem.
C : Alrighty, let me hang up and do that.
G : Sorry, you can't hang up.
C : Say what?
G : This is the latest beta feature we are trying out to maximise product usage. When you call Customer care with an Android phone, the call can't be disconnected.
C : Oh yeah? Take this (Clicks 'end call'. Nothing. Tries to turn off the phone. Tries to take out the battery and the sim card. Call still on)
G : We have installed a back up battery and connectivity in the device. I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing you can do to disconnect this call.
C : I don't believe this crap.
G : As I said, it's not a bug really, it's a new feature. Let's take a step back. May I know why you would like to hang up? It's strange that you called Customer care if you were going to hang up after all.
C : Dude, hang up or I'm going to ...I don't even know what I'm going to do.
G : Sorry. I can't hang up. We have to talk now...er...for a while.
C : Oh yeah? What's up then, you frikkin moron? What's UP?
G : I don't know really. What's up with you?
C : This has got to be illegal
G : Not really. But there's a small chance this feature might be revoked with negative customer feedback so we can talk till such time.
C : Can I mail in the feedback?
G : No. You've got to call in.
C : What number?
G : The same one you dialled to get me.
C : Alright, trying that on my other phone.
G : Ok
C : It's busy.
G : Yes. That's because I'm talking to you on that line.
C : Someone save me.
G : Also, you've got to call from your Google phone, which you'll agree is busy presently. We don't take complaints from other numbers.
C : I get billed for this infinite frikkin call?
G : Yes, sir. I think you're seeing the point of this new feature finally.
C : I'm going to break this phone.
G : You can't, really. That's been tried too. But may I interest you in some discounted packages that we have for infinite calls...

Siv Sena gets doomsday postponed in Mumbai - rest of the world to follow?

The Mayans did foresee a lot of stuff but even they won't have seen this morning's turn of events coming. In a bizarre announcement, Siv Sena leader Bhiku Matrey said 'We will not recognise Mayan doomsday or any other foreign doomsday. Any attempt at ending the world today will lead to dire consequences'
The veiled threat couldn't have been clearer to world-enders or world-ending sympathisers. Fall in line and don't dare end. Or prepare for something arguably worse than being ended.
'If at all anyone wants to end the world, the apt date will be when our supremo passed away, November 17th. This day will be called Chatrapaty Sivaji terminus day now' he added. Mistaking the press for supporters, he then lapsed into rhetoric,'The Mayans. First they took our flats, then they took our jobs. Now they want our days. We will not just stand here and do nothing'
This has led to a very angry but pointless response on twitterosphere with author Chetain Bagath arguing for and/or against capital punishment or some such thing.

Bhoopadhy to play doubles alone : All India Tennis Organisation

India's top seeded doubles player Magesh Bhoopadhy will be playing men's doubles at the Olympics by himself, as per the latest press release by AITO.
"We had a long session with Bhoopadhy and he broke down several times. Bhoopadhy messaged Gopanna last week regarding what was up and didn't receive a reply as to what was up. This seems to have caused a rift between the two. We had a choice of either playing Sania Mizra in men's doubles as well, seeking special permission, or to play Bhoopadhy alone. Given Sania's recent dismal form, we have decided in favour of the latter option. This is a tough challenge for him, but it's anyway only a matter of one match so we wish him the best of luck" the release said.

Love across bad poetry

Uncomfortably numb

Of highways and trees
and honey bees
Of endless nights
and several fights
i walk alone

Life passes by
i deeply sigh
feeling empty inside
taken by the tide
i walk alone

the tears flow
time goes slow
it's too late now
bye ciao

posted by random rambler at 6.55 pm 

Comments (6)

Sid says
yeh kya tha? zyada pee gayi? hehehe lolz

random rambler says
:) kuch nahin yaar 

Karthik says
awesome poem! gr8!

random rambler says
thanks karthik :-) (-:

Mohan says
that's true
but it's not all blue
consider rainbow
so nice so aglow

or a warm fireplace
so much grace
on a wintry night
with snow so bright

alone you maybe
but look at nature, baby
the tears shall ebb
you are in nature's web

random rambler says

Mohan, will you marry me?

We won't underestimate India : Shaqeeb

Ahead of the historic India-Bangladesh 5-match test series, Bangladesh captain Shaqeeb Ahmed appeared guardedly confident in the press interaction.
'I know we begin as favourites. But that only means more pressure', he said with a smile.'We'll get complacent at our own peril. India's not won anything against us or any other team for the last 4 years, but don't forget it's the monsoons here so some matches could be abandoned. So it won't be a whitewash. They are going through a rough patch but on their day they could give us a run for their money.'
When asked about his plans for Kohlee, India's batting mainstay, the skipper wasn't amused. 'They aren't a one man show. If you look at the stats from last year, Kohlee made 75% of their runs, followed by extras which was 15%. So we have to watch our bowling' he said, showing the kind of homework that's gone into Bangladesh's preparation. 'It's also a good series to get some of our younger players a go at international cricket to see how they shape up before we play them in Australia later this year'. Can the Indian minions give this side a scare? It certainly looks unlikely for now.

Profundity - II

Cabbie(C) : These guys do religious propaganda because they have no other work.

Oh not again. Talkative cabbie and long drive ahead. I've got to do something to entertain myself other than switching off and doing those periodic 'uh uh's. Well, periodic 'uh uh's is exactly what I ended up doing, but here's how the conversation probably played out in the cabbie's head.

Me (M) : Why do you say that, old wise man? Please to partake of thy wisdom. I'm a young fool.
C: See, you are young, you don't know about these people. They have no work. They instigate other people.
M : You look like you believe there should be communal conflict.
C: I don't believe in fighting about one's God. You have your God. I have my God.
M: Oh lost you there. You are going too fast. Can you elaborate?
C: I have Hanuman. You might have Jesus.
M: Hmm. Nope. Still too fast for me.
C: Or you might have Allah. Another person might have Ganesh.
M: Just one more example to seal it, uncle, please?
C: Or you might say Ganesh. I might say Allah.
M: I thought we were born different, and so we should fight.
C: We were all born alike. So why fight? If I scratch your hand and if I scratch my hand, we'll get blood only.
M: Can you explain taking examples of some other liquids?
C: It's not like if you scratch my hand you'll get blood and if you scratch your hand you will get water.
M: Also someone told me we will take some stuff with us when we die. Is that true?
C: What can we take with us when we die? When we live, we should live well.
M: But I still think the Koran and the Gita are two different books. Not same books at all. I tried on flipkart.
C: If you see the Koran and the Gita, both are same. Both say the same thing. Do good to others. Don't do bad stuff to others.
M: Maybe not the books, but I think the Gods definitely recommend hurting others.
C: Which God recommends killing others? You tell me. Do Allah or Jesus or Ganesh say hurt others?
M: But don't people benefit at a fundamental level from harming each other?
C: Who benefits from fighting each other? You think.
M: Hockey stick manufacturers? Hospitals? I don't know.
C: Politicians! Finally everything is politics. These youth - they just repeat what they see in films or what someone tells them. No original talk.

Right. So you wrote the dialogues for Krantiveer?

M: I think these youngsters are self-aware and know what they are getting into.
C: These fools don't realise this. They do propaganda because they have no other work.

Yay! One religion-to-politics loop takes just 15 mins. Approximately 3 more loops to go - seems tolerable. God - I don't care what you think about world peace but please let there not be a traffic jam today.