Open letter to Hon' PM

Sir
We might have many differences of opinion but I admire your courage in carrying out these surgical strikes.
These have struck fear into Pagistan's heart and their reaction, as expected, is to deny that these attacks ever happened. They are taking journalists from CCB and NNC to the LOC to the exact same spots where you 'say' the attacks have happened and then demonstrating that no such damage is visible. Though I agree with them whole-heartedly, I think it's time for you to take these propagandists head-on.
My suggestion is that for the next round of attacks, you send me a confidential map of the spots where strikes are planned and the expected times of the attacks. I will ratify these and send to the Pag army chief, at least one week in advance.
If we give them adequate time to prepare their army as well as the Loshkar Tauba and Jash Mohammed so that they are able to martyr all our brave soldiers, they will really have no chance to crib later on. This would be a real slap in the face for Pagistan.
If you do not follow this and continue to carry out surprise strikes across the LoC and that too in dim light, I can only say, as a friend, that India will be isolated globally for attacking innocent terrorists and stopping them from doing things they really enjoy.

Yours Truly
Arbind Kejrawal

Ameer Khan proposes solution to Cashmere issue, irks everyone

On the eve of the release of his new film Daangal, superstar Ameer Khan called a press conference to read out from a neatly typed out essay titled 'If I were Prime Minister', probably borrowed from his kids' homework assignment. He went on to propose a unique solution to the Cashmere issue, involving physically breaking the state and transporting it to South India where it would be safer. 'I'm sure my friends Donaald Tramp, S.Ar.K, Salmaan, Rakhi Savant, Husain Bolt, Moe Pharah, Sunni Leon will all agree', he said, in an attempt to move up on Google Search results.
The news media reacted fast and he's slated to appear on 15 talk shows this evening to discuss his new idea. 'This has nothing to do with Daangal. Just thought of sharing my views as a citizen two days before the movie's release' he added. Meanwhile, Irfan Khaan, who had previously raised a storm over his comments on animal sacrifice in the run-up to Madari's release, is on the look out for an Islam related topic he can speak on, to promote his next movie - he invites topic suggestions at khantroversy@hotmail.com

Chaos reigns as !amil Nad and pauseBihar spar over first slot at Inter State Council Meet

Deedi would not have seen this coming. Fully expecting to be in the first 5 speaking slots the Bongal CM made her way to the Inter State Council only to discover that Bongal was relegated to last place in the list once again.
In a flurry of announcements that came in last evening that she clearly missed, 25 states proposed changes in their names - only Assam, Arunachal, Andhra abstained from seeking a change. Aajasthan was pipped to be the clear winner before two states pulled out a rabbit from the proverbial hat, getting an approval to using special characters.
The Chair of the Interstate council has called for a special meeting at midnight to decide which of !amil Nad and 'spacebar' Bihar, nicknamed pauseBihar, will begin proceedings.

Insight

"Our survey indicates that there is no demand for xyz services in this region. Only 12% indicated interest in accessing...er...you are smiling because?"
Here it comes, what would probably be the poorest quality evidence ever offered in any situation - 100% anecdotal, and possibly an imaginary anecdote at that.
"Boss, let me tell you a story..."
Data, take five. You aren't needed for now.
"...I was travelling through a village near Bombay..."
Which one? Pune? Lavassa?
"...We stopped for chai. And you know me, I'm always learning, looking to learn. I caught some youngster near the tapri"
Representative sample.
"and you know what happened next? Boss, I'm telling you, we think we know everything because we have all these surveys and all this data. But reality is different. We have no idea."
Let me guess, you asked him "Pune, how far?"
"...I asked him a simple question. Deceptively simple. 'Who do you like?' Simple, that is it, that was my question"
The unexpected and revelatory answer that is somehow worth more than a statistically valid survey is...drum roll...
"He looked me in the eye. He didn't flinch"
Arghh, out with it already
"Honey Singh. Not Shahrukh, Not Salman. Honey Singh, boss. Simple and straight."
Now, invalid extrapolation to all villages and then to all demographic groups...
"Indian village youth know Honey Singh, boss! Ten years back, imagine something like this happening. Villagers wouldn't even be able to reply. You know what that means?"
Followed by invalid generalised trend...
"Indian villages are changing. They are aware, more aware than you and me. Your surveys don't mean anything, they aren't capturing the ground reality"
Yes, clearly, being conducted as they were by un-aware or less aware non-fans of Honey Singh.
And finally invalid drill-down from general trend to specific point in question...
"They have aspiration, boss, they want xyz services"
Turns to the one dumb nodding person in the room who is convinced by the Honey Singh episode
"Honey Singh" and a shake of the head, "Imagine that"
Imagine, indeed.

Tonie D Souza reverses Sarapova's two year ban

D Souza, director of tainted ex-cricketer Azhaar's biopic, today released a short 3 hour film 'Marie' he's made on Marie Sarapova, starring Prachie Desai in the titular role. The film has 2 thrilling minutes of tennis action out of the 180, and covers Marie's love life in all its lurid detail and then some. Marie is seen singing Hindi songs in Switzerland and Ooty with two of her beaus Robert and Peter (Imran Hashmi in a double role) and Prachie's fancy footwork is reminiscent of the real Sarapova at Wimbledon.
It is at the fateful final of Ooty Open, however, that Gulshan Grover, playing the role of her coach, gives her an 'energy drink' with an evil laugh. Now that Director Souza has clarified the real sequence of events through this hardhitting film, WTA is expected to release a formal apology and reverse the ban on the real Sarapova by tomorrow morning.
This is the second coup that D Souza would have pulled off, the earlier one being an apology from BCCI to Azhaar when D Souza's biopic was submitted as crucial evidence in a re-opened 1996 matchfixing case.

Open letter to my young PJU friends

Dear young PJU friends,

Our nation is faced with a threat. A threat that is somehow generic, subtle and evil at the same time, one that escapes definition except via rhetoric. 

Today I salute your courage for having chosen to fight this unequal battle against injustice, rationality and dictatorship. 

The coming few months are not going to be easy. You will be targeted by the same non-specific forces. They will not leave any stone unturned in trying to extract specificity and logic from your speeches. They will try to humiliate you by asking you if you have anything concrete to say. Clarity has always been the last resort of the oppressor. Every effort will be made to wean you away from vague melodrama and even force you to attend to your coursework for the only reason that you are still students. Do not fall prey to these forces.

You are the torchbearers of our collective hope and the future of our country, or what is left of it once you take charge. Your educational background in subaltern studies and postmodern Kenya is starkly relevant to contemporary India. And your idea of separate nation states wherever there are insurgent(s) is amazing. 

As the lyricist Sameer once famously wrote

dil dil dil dil main tere pyar me khoya main saari raat na soya main kya karoon

Do not sleep, my young friends, till you win back the broad hazy sense of freedom that you so love.

Long live the revolution

Another bahut krantikari

The man whose wife didn't know English

Subtitles
Ramanujam (in English) : My little darling wife Janaki, how wonderful these numbers, how profound their meaning...
Janaki (in Tamil) : What's wrong with you? What language are you yapping in?
R : Why, my dear, it is Tamil, of course. Don't you see how sing-songy I'm being? And so full of quaint phrases. It has got to be Tamil, my little heart.
J : (Oh crap, we must be in a Hollywood movie again) I have no idea what you're on about. Is that English you're speaking?
R : Of course not, my love, how profound the stars above. As if Goddess Kaalilakshmi's blessings adorned the saree of the nightsky...
J : (This is probably the TB hitting his brain) Er...By the way, if we're newly married, aren't I like 10 years old now?
R : My sour little sweetheart, look at the heavens. Look at this little tree, it has 3 leaves. 3 is such a beautiful number. Oh Janaki, Oh Janaki. How beautiful these things. The weather is pretty good, maybe we should do an animal sacrifice or two and call the snake charmers for a quick round of black tea and scones. How I love speaking in my mother tongue Tamil. Oh Tamil, how identical you are to English, if not for the singsonginess and the weirdness.