Mumbai Run-down

Aamna protests Varoun Gandi's self-deprecatory speech

The Sivasena mouthpiece Aamna did a volte-face on the Varoun episode after he went overboard scolding and berating himself for his 'stupidasssss' speech against a particular community, which had incidentally been appreciated in the Aamna editorial. "What was I thinking? I should be beaten and mauled. I'm such a jackass" Varoun said yesterday in a press meet. Aamna lodged a protest with the Mumbai HC stating that Varoun should not insult himself as he represents more than himself - he is now the voice of the common rioter all over the country.

Varoun moves SC

In a rare display of emotion, SC Judge Balaiah broke down listening to Varoun Gandi's pathetic excuse that the CD of his inflammatory speech had scratches. This is the first time the SC has been visibly moved on this issue.

Aamna protests Freeda cover

Aamna created more ripples of controversy after the ugly Chaplin statue episode, by protesting against 'Dumbdog Millionaire' starlet Freeda Pintu's cover picture in 'Kaamwalibai' a housekeeping weekly famous in South Bombay. 'We don't want foreign talent in this area' the article said.

'Vote against Lead Hindustan' campaign successful

Mumbai came together as one voice on Marine Drive and demanded that there be no more election-related preaching in mainstream media, specifically targeting a leading daily, TOH. 'Is TOH forgetting their vision - to bring raunchy photographs to your doorstep at affordable prices?' thundered an ex-loyalist angrily. TOH was forced to concede and has promised to stop the campaign immediately.

Azhruddin, Sunjay Dutt start 'clean politics' campaign

The Milan party may well be fielding the cleanest candidates this election, with Bollywood superstar Sunjay Dutt also joining his sister, breaking away from his prior loyalties. The party has an average count of 5 criminal cases per candidate which is one of the lowest this election. The party's overall split-up looks quite good, with party candidates, between them, storing 33 submachine guns, 350 tons RdX, throwing 56 cricket matches, killing or kidnapping or raping or beating up 45,456 victims overall, wiping out 7 entire villages, selling 35,678 pages of classified government information to friendly neighbours, and accepting 13,400 crore in bribe money (as per declared receipts). Taking advantage of these docile numbers are the party's star candidates, former cricketer Azhruddin and Sunju Dada who are launching a campaign on the 'clean politics' platform.
'Who would you like to bring to power, I ask you. On the one hand you have criminals who have more than 7-8 ongoing cases against them on an average, involving rape, murder, extortion and bribery. On the other, you have people like me and Sunju, who have less than 5-6 cases against us. I threw cricket matches for money and Sunju aided acts of terror. Is that something even worth remembering?' asked Azhruddin in a fiery rally speech. 'On my personal involvement in the match-fixing scandal, I just have this to say. I once offered Sachen and Sourav 4 crore to throw an important match and they refused. Did I insist? No. Instead, I tried to do whatever little I could with a duck, some dropped catches and terrible captaincy. That was the kind of man I was and am.' he said. 'And my rivals claim that match-fixing amounts to selling your country. The idea is laughable. There are so many other things in a country which can't be sold. And we always had the opportunity of winning matches where I didn't play due to some injury, didn't we? What's your reply to that?' he challenged.

Briefing

9 - 10 am : brief miniboss on day's agenda, one-on-one
10 - 11 : gather dusty old papers, print emails which might be relevant for day's agenda
11-12 : miniboss briefed by site team on latest status
12-1 : miniboss, site team briefed by contractors on latester status
1-2 : lunch
2-3 : preparation for who says/does not say what, in meeting
3-4 : mini-boss briefs bigboss one-on-one
4-5 : site team briefs bigboss in presence of mini-boss
5-6.30 : all-party meeting : bigboss yells
6.30 - 7 : miniboss follow-up one-on-one with bigboss
7 - 8 : miniboss all-party follow-up meeting to interpret 5 pm meeting proceedings *
8 - 9 : miniboss briefs site team about how to follow up with contractors
9-10 : get briefed by miniboss one-on-one on how to follow-up with site team
10 pm : procrastinate dirty task of minuting the day's proceedings to next year


* Eg : "When big boss said 'get lost you idiots', what he actually meant was 'get drawing #673 ready in time for construction to proceed' " and so on...

'The of Panama' has no takers

The saga of the Indian release of the Pierc Brosnan-Jamy Curtis starrer 'The Tailor of Panama' finally came to an end with the movie being withdrawn from theatres after a less-than-lukewarm reception from Indian audiences. The movie was released in India six years after its world-wide premiere and this was one of the reasons for the poor opening.
Distributors in the country released the movie after deleting the word 'tailor' in the title fearing a backlash similar to the 'Billu' episode. Analysts feel this may have affected the box office collections as the new title 'The of Panama' was a little too ambiguous for the average Indian movie-goer.

Muttalik, Tisha confess to foul play; TWC says don't rely on us

Raam Sena chief Muttalik and Tisha, the 'brain' behind the 'pink underwear' campaign confessed today to having stage-managed the entire Valentine's day episode every year to benefit a certain underwear manufacturer in South India, owned by Tisha's father. In a letter filed with SEBI, Tisha said, "I blame it all on the 2008 recession. People tend to repair existing chaddis rather than buy, in an economic downturn. End 2008 was when we got to know of Muttalik, who had won the 'Sathhyam young enterpreneur' award for his business plan of starting an extremist right wing party funded by mainstream media. Over many cocktails in Mangalore, we came up with a way of working together. He was supposed to create a ruckus about 'loose' women, which he did a bit too well, in fact. I would then start this campaign that would help us hit record sales of underwear and turn around dad's company, which also went exactly as per plan. The profits were housed in a shell company owned 50% each by Muttalik and myself. The business worked like a charm - these chaddis bought every year by faithful activists, got couriered to Muttalik, shipped back to the factory and recycled the next year. We did this every Valentine's day for 5 years and went public in 2014. We then started overstating chaddi sales to keep up with competition which had the advantage of uniform sales throughout the year. It was like holding the tail of a chaddi-less tiger, which you can't let go of. When the soiled 6-year old chaddis went again this year, people started smelling something. It was all downhill from there. I have to say that at no time did I siphon these chaddis for my own or Muttalik's use.'
When contacted, TWC, the statutory auditors of this company had this to say :'We aren't that good at audit really. Don't rely on us'

We will not allow 'greeting card companies' conspiracy day' celebrations : Muttalik

Raam Sena (RS) chief Muttalik stirred up yet another controversy at a rally yesterday in Bungalore. After creating a ruckus and courting arrest on Valentine's day earlier this year, the RS is now on to their next target.
Every year around this time, the entire nation eagerly awaits March 15th, celebrated as 'greeting card companies' conspiracy day' (GCCCD) to commemorate the same day in 2010 when Ballmark Inc. came up with the idea of 'general day' when people give cards to themselves for no apparent reason. For GCCCD is a day when everyone usually takes to the streets, drinking themselves silly and partying till dawn. Maybe not this year. At least not if Muttalik has his way.
'We think it is against Indian culture to come back home after dinner-time. I used to be caned to death if I entered my home after sunset' Muttalik reminisced fondly.'So if we see unrelated people out on Mothers' day, we will force adoption. If people get out on Friendship day, they will have to add me on facebook and compare movie taste with me. We have a plan for all these so called 'days'' he said.

Dany Boil to make movies about all the Indian cities he's heard of

Stunned at the success of his first movie about India, Dumbdog zillionaire, director Dany Boil has promised to make 183 sequels about various Indian towns and cities. Except that they will all be the same.
'I love you, Mambaai', he cried, at a press conference in Hyderabad, where he made this announcement. 'Seeing the warm reception my movie's got, I've decided to release this, world-wide, again and again over the next few months. What will be different is that the pre-release marketing hype will take the name of a different town each time, to get the western world to watch the same movie repeatedly. Also we have added some facial expressions to the lead character Dev Pateil in some versions. Dumbdog zillionaire -2,3,4,5,6 which are supposedly based in Indore, Nagpur, Surat, Cuttack and Madurai have all been released and are runaway hits in the States. People all over the world are finally appreciating how diverse a country Mambaai is' he said, beaming.
This was followed by a video of a New York theater screening of Dumbdog-3 (Nagpur) showing a visibly moved audience. 'Nagpore is such a colourful city. I never knew Pakistan had such towns' gushed one member of the audience.