Nobama shatters 100m world record, runs a 9.49

When Usain Bolt ran a 9.58 at Berlin, the world assumed he would be the world's fastest man for a long time to come. Well, US President, Nobel Peace Prize and Miss Hawaii winner Parack Nobama, had other ideas. In a widely telecast speech yesterday at Chicago, he scorched the podium by clocking 9.49 seconds (wind assisted) as the whole world watched in disbelief.
The President started off in characteristic style, personifying Chicago repeatedly and making an impassioned plea to the International Olympic Committee to select it as the venue for the 2016 Olympics. Chicago will then be the home of new world records and new feats previously thought impossible, he said. Can man run 100 m in less than 9.5 seconds - yes, he can, yes, he can, he added to thunderous applause. There was a call from the IOC Chairman, who congratulated the President on his incomplete speech and moved by the contents, awarded the 2012 and 2016 Olympic Gold medals to him over the phone and gave him a timing of 9.49 seconds. The athletics fraternity is, however, skeptical about the time and has called for dope tests on the President and his speech writer, for which the official protocol is now being worked out. If they pass, poor Ussain Bolt will have to wait till 2020 to win back his gold medal.

US aid goes to LETe directly, Zardarey sees red

The US Senate today approved a USD 2.2 bn donation to Pakisthan as part of their ongoing aid programme. But two conditions that they plan to enforce have left the Pakisthani PM Zardarey fuming. One, the donation will be in the form of thermonuclear warheads and two, these will be shipped directly to Leshkar E Teiba , now a banned government agency in Pakisthan. An analysis of the utilisation of the previous aid package revealed that a large chunk of the funds were used up in administrative costs and the beneficiaries, Al kaeda and LETe saw barely half the money allotted for the attacks they planned to carry out. PM Zardarey denied this and said he would take this up with the US President during his upcoming visit to the States.
Meanwhile, former civil servant and current head of LETe, Zaeed, who is credited with having masterminded the 26/11 attacks, was overjoyed at the US Senate's decision. "First good news all day" he said, after paying Rs 500/- when the Lahore HC decided that the 11th dossier of evidence from New Delhi was sufficient to incriminate him, and sentenced him to pay a fine.

Explanation

"Each person is different. For instance, you may be very different from me. And he may be different from you. She may be different from him. And he may be very different from her. It's natural that there are differences. That will always be the case. For instance, you two may agree on something but may be completely different in this aspect. What's more, the two of them may be different from you and so on and so forth etc etc etc. As I said, this cannot be avoided. Differences between two individuals are to be expected. You two may not be able to agree on something, for example...."
"See, that's the thing. Customers differ in their needs. One customer may not always be the same as another customer. In fact, in more cases than not, each customer is different. What I'm saying is that if you take one customer, let's say we take X, here. X is a customer. And then we take Y, here. Y is another customer. X will want something, for instance A. Just for the sake of example, mind you. I mean X may want B also, let's just assume he wants A. Now it cannot be said that Y will want the same thing. In fact Y will be very very different from X, you can take that from me..."
"Take the people sitting around this table, for instance. Let's say X here, goes to buy a car..."
Let's say X runs you over with it. The very different Y and his car, which is undoubtedly different from X's car, are hereby excused from appearing in this analogy.

She was like a bad poem

watering the plants
on the highway
of my soul
in these lonely times
and not that many rhymes
she was like a bad poem
she was like a bad poem
she was like a bad poem
my heart skipping
and my mind skipping
and using identical words
as rhyming words
sunshine was my life
but she was a star
i miss her now
thinking about you
which makes it three people in this poem, technically
feeling the pain
my mind is numbing
am falling about you
there is nobody to pick
the pieces of me
loving this naked sun
and the crumbling earth
and the mooney moon
mooney mooney moon moon moon
lying in this bed
i think of you again
thinking thinking blogging
lonely woods beckon
the treasure at the end
could be you
but i wish you weren't
in a box
come back to me
i'm dying bit by bit
am chained to my fate
birds fly in the forest
of my fate
somebody save me
take me away
the least you could do
is take my net access away

'My attack was not racist': Aussie released

Rodney Stuart, the baseball bat-wielding Aussie goon, now famous for his serial attacks on Indian settlers, was released by the Melbourne State Court yesterday after a valiant five minute testimony.
'How was the attack racist? I didn't target Indians. I roughed up five people in the mall that day and I'm pretty sure there were some Pakis and others too' Rod slurred 'Hell, I see brown skin, I go maaaaaaaaad'
The judge, also vaguely of Indian origin, admitted this plea and said that the attack was unbiased and hence could not be called illegal in the strict sense. He let Rodney off with a stern warning 'Rodney, dude, if I see you near my house, I'll throw you in jail'

Mahim-Mahim Sea link open : Will take you to same place in 20 min flat

Starting today, you will be able to spend an extra 20 minutes on your way to office for no particular reason. MSDRC's unique solution to traffic snarls in Mahim - the 3000 cr, sprawling Mahim-Mahim Sea Link project, is being inaugurated today. The Sea link diverts traffic away from Sawarkar Marg, takes it away on a U-shaped road into the sea and straight back on to Sawarkar Marg. It's mandatory for odd and even numbered vehicles to take this detour on alternate days.
'It was an exhilarating experience', says Vineet, who tried the road this morning,'I re-entered the road from the sea link at 20kmph, skidded straight on and banged into the wall on the opposite side and am in Mahim police station now'. Mahim police have registered 300 such cases in the first 3 hours since the opening.
Urban Studies professor, Dr. Sawant sees this as the first step in the creation of marine suburbs in Mumbai, where travellers stuck in a jam for days together, turn the road into a colony and start living on it. The channa/moongphali vendors and mini-CCD that are already on the sea link tell us that this day is not far.

Why should consent be mutual? : Mrs Tiney

Wife of alleged rapist, Mrs Tiney today asked the press to fight for her husband who according to her has become a soft target for everyone. 'The other day there was this cabbie who charged him 200 bucks to go from the airport to Bandra. My husband's mild nature has made him a target' she said. When asked about his confession, she said they had been advised by their lawyer to pretend that never happened.
'He is not denying that the incident took place. All we are saying is that he gave his consent to it. That's how it works at our place. Some days I have a headache and he gives his consent and some days he is tired and I give mine. I don't understand what this mutual thing is' she added.
Meanwhile Batt films is planning a re-release of Tiney's earlier films with a tagline 'now based on a true incident'