Method acting

Piggy : What's the role? It better be something meaty like Janjeer where I had 2 songs
Director : This is a biopic, based on Mari Kom.
P : Eh?
D : She's a boxer
P : So? What's the role?
D : You play her. You play a boxer.
P : God! Let me make this easy. Was this Mari girl rich or poor?
D : Poor.
P : Then say that na? So I play the Agneepath character. Poor chokri with colourful clothes. I can put on my poor girl accent which is easy - just got to say 'Ai' before each sentence.
D : She's from the North east.
P : Dombiville?
D : North east India. Manipur.
P : So? She was poor no?
D : Yes.
P : So I play Agneepath girl.
D : She won the World Boxing championships for India
P : She became rich after that?
D : I mean she's alright now. I'm not sure. She's probably not poor now.
P : I've lost you. Tell me clearly if you want me to play poor girl or rich girl? Rich girl will be Dostana girl - fashionable types. Either that or Dharavi girl where I say 'Ai' and maybe some Marathi words like 'ki haal putthar'
D : You've got to do some boxing on screen
P : Ok. Boxing. North east. How many songs do I have?
D : None. Maybe some inspiring songs.
P : There is a third option just for you, special - I can play a singer and sing my own songs with autotune. Maybe make the central character a singer instead of a boxer.
D : This is a biopic about a world champion
P : Who is a poor little girl from Manipal
D : Manipur
P : 'Coach - main boxing karthi? ayyo, achi achi boxing karthi'. How's that for Manipuri accent?
D : Er...not bad
P : Done then. I'm going to stay in character now. Mari Kaum meri naam, boxing meri kaam.

Smiti Kirani mulls setting up HRD Ministries in each state

The press got a glimpse of the ambitious new education plan of the HRD Ministry on Monday when the Minister Smiti Kirani unveiled the roadmap to creating an IIT in every nook of the nation. 'No one should walk more than 400 metres to the nearest IIT' she said. The prestigious IITs have been franchised to Cafe Coffee Day and are opening branches at a scorching pace across the nation. At the inaugural of the 10,000th outlet, the Minister said this expansion would find a new fillip in the new scheme where each state is planned to have a central HRD Ministry staffed by the retired cast and crew of 'Kyunki saas bhi...', a sitcom that was wildly popular till Smiti left it to join politics. It is rumored that the Relyance Group has approached the ministry with an 'IIM in every petrol bunk' scheme that could again change the face of higher education in the nation.

A letter to my two year old self from my four year old self

Dear two year old me,
Why did you break all those neat toys by banging them together with your bare hands? You suck. I have nothing to play with now because of you.
Be gentle on yourself. I mean don't keep banging your head against the wall. People tell me I'm a bit weird and I'm sure it's because of you.
Treasure your relationships. The old ayah in your time was so sweet, you chased her away with your bawling, now I'm stuck with this super-strict young thing.
It's ok to not have everything figured out when you're two. Hell, I'm almost 4 now, and even I have doubts about the life path that I have chosen i.e. to be a time travelling astronaut.
Worry as much as you want, but don't let worry run your life. You're more than your anxieties. You have the wall-banging thing, the toy breaking thing and the ayah chasing thing for instance.
Most of all, be yourself. You'll face all sorts of pressures from your family who'll say 'hey, two bucks says my son can make like a goat' or 'hey do that pig face for uncle and aunty if you want a chocolate' but never ever give in.
Lots of love,
Your 4 year old self.

An alternative PIL

To the honourable principal judge
Herewith mentioned are grounds for stopping the sale and purchase of Vendy Doniger's 'The Hindus - An alternative history'
- The book is too long. Hinduism is not that long. It's easy to explain, even to little children. Why should she write 900 pages? This proves mala fide intent beyond any doubt.
- The book is heavy. The hardback weighs 1.5 kg.
- It's boring. I couldn't get past...well...let's say I didn't have to read it to know what's in it. Why write so much? That too alternative history. I might as well read the correct history if I'm going to invest that kind of effort.
- It's full of factual inaccuracies. Amazon, for eg., says it's one book. Can one book have 900 pages and weigh 1.5 kg? No, it's at least 4-5 books. If you buy it and keep it in a shelf unread as you're likely to do, I'm told it naturally disintegrates into 4 books over time.
- It should be titled 'All the people who've ever lived - an alternative history'. Even if you devote one line to talk about each Hindu who's ever existed, it won't be as long as this book - so she's definitely talking about all communities. In fact I'm told she talks extensively about cows and buffaloes also. It should then simply be titled 'Everything - a comprehensive saga in 5 parts which has been made into one humongous book through a miracle of binding'.
- Free speech is fine by me but exactly how much of it is permissible? If each person is allowed free speech worth 900 pages, imagine the chaos. And that too with unsuitable titles. Let's say I write a book about fruits and flowers with no photos and in Arial 4 font covering a 1000 page sprawl and call it 'Christians - a crisp one page snapshot'. I'll then get a friend to write a blurb saying 'A quick light hearted romance. Pick this up if you have a 1 hour flight'.
- The book sees Hinduism through a very western and outsider perspective of publishing very large books with more than 900 pages which is essentially a western concept.
Given the above, I humbly seek a quick pulping or at least a severe shortening of the book and addition of funny illustrations every alternate page.
- Dinanot

Googleplus acquires everyone's mobile phones for 4 trillion

Google got back at Facebook today in a stunner of a corporate move, rendering its acquisition of Whatsapp virtually unviable in one stroke.
"We are delighted to announce that we have bought all the people's mobile phones for 4 trillogazillion dollars. This will give our technology and hardware practice the much needed fillip and take us into the next decade on a comfortable footing", the Google-plus spokesperson said today. Preempting the most likely question, he said that Whatsapp will be allowed to operate on these phones unhindered and there will not be any immediate integration into Googleplus or other google products. However given that there are no users on these phones, the revenue from the app is expected to fall significantly.
In reply to a question about people buying new phones in the future and using Whatsapp, he said that contrary to analyst reports, Google's acquisition kitty is still not empty, indicating that more phone purchases are to be expected.

Date a girl who dates

Date a girl who dates. Date a girl who spends her money on boys instead of books or clothes or travel. Who has problems with closet space because she has too many boys stacked up there. Date a girl who has a list of boys she wants to date and that's what she ever wanted to do.
You’ll know when you see her because she'll have a boy around, taking her instructions. She’s the girl sitting with her boyfriend in the coffee shop down the street. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who date do not like to be interrupted. He might give you a glare too because boys who date also do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the boy who's with her.
Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of the guy she's sitting with.
It’s easy to date a girl who dates. It's much tougher to date a girl who doesn't. That element of coercion is no longer considered legal in most countries. Give her boys for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of men. Give her Homer, Joyce, Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Or other men without funny literature-type names.
Lie to her. If she understands men, she will understand your need to lie. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who dates knows failure.
If you find a girl who dates, keep her close. For obvious reasons. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a boy to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. And him. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. Though the guy might too, sometimes. Lose the guy preferably.
Date a girl who dates because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. But if you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who dates.
Or better yet, date a girl who dates girls.

Post feminism

Dear diary,
You won't like believe what like happened to me today. I went over to our neighbours' for tea after their repeated like invitations. Big Mistake. Unsuspecting li'l ole me enters and guess what! Aunty says 'Come in, beta, we've been expecting you, sit here'
Like I don't know where to sit just because like you know I'm a mod young woman. Well, forgive me, old lady, I have a life!
Soon enough, Uncle launches into intimate personal territory. Uh oh. Here it comes. 'Where do you work beta?'. Man o man! Don't tell me you don't get the subtext. What he actually meant to ask is 'Why do you work, you're a woman. You should be married by now and have 10 kids'
Well, old man, you are a 60 year old loser who didn't get anywhere in life, you don't have the right to judge me, please! Your wife may be the types who does karva chauth, I'd rather just kill myself than do all that shit. And the brazen duo weren't done just yet.
'Pass the water zara'. Right, like a traditional bharatiya naari. Why don't I just marry your son and massage your feet, you old sod? My only humble, humble question to you is what frikkin business is it of yours when I get married or if at all, and when I have kids. You didn't think twice before sending your idiot son abroad and let him settle there, did you? Fancy NRI job for your son, but when it comes to your neighbour who's a woman and who you call beta fondly, she has to deal with 'where do you work?' and 'pass the water'? Well, no disrespect, but here's a thought. Why don't you and your wife frikkin mind your own business like?
How much longer will we women be shackled by societal rules? This old couple decides when I get married? When I do it with my husband and how many times? Well, I have two words for you, get frikkin lost!
Diary, remind me to never eva eva again accept an invitation from this senile couple that's stuck in a time warp, in an era where women were supposed to follow their rules.
And remind me every day that I'm free. I'm me. G'nite!