Judge : Hain? Who do you want now as your defense lawyer?
Qazab : Arre that 'Damini' lawyer whatsisname. Suny Deol. Masth he is.
J : This is not some movie.
Q : (laughs heartily) I also want Kashmiri Pulao and Paneer Tikka on Fridays.
J : If you don't stop speaking now, I will have to rule...
Q : My laptop hangs a lot. I need some more RAM. Also the artillery I asked for to plan my escape is coming coming coming always but never reaches. I need softer bath towels, rainshower fitting, that coloured gel toothpaste, also some new stock (winks). Sorry Judge saab, I'm having to list everything here but nothing gets done in jail.
J : Er...let's get back to the trial. How old are you?
Q : When the trial started, I'm not sure, I have to see your records. But I'm now 16.
J : That means you were 10 years old when the attacks happened.
Q : (smiles) What attacks? I need some music in the cell. Also that weekend farmhouse cell in Khandala is maintained very poorly. My A/C's not working properly and...
J : Shadthefkup. Prosecutor, would you like to summarise?
Prosecutor : I have a suggestion, your honour. This trial is costing us crores to run. All my witnesses are hostile or dead. We should just let this one go.
Q : Mad or what? I refuse. I did not even agree to shifting to another jail in the same city 3 years back. I'll get creamed if I go out in the open.
J : Hmm. Now that's a promising idea. Let me think about it. Adjourned.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Akmal's action cleared by biomechanics lab experts
Zaed Akmal's suspect bowling action was cleared by the biomechanics lab of Auztralian Institute of Sports according to their in-house lawbook exception 13(c) "if said chucker really really wants to get more turn". Biomechanics expert Richard Watson studied Akmal's action over 20 deliveries using 35 microcameras and the latest imaging technology. He concluded that the action was illegal in any form of any game but then Akmal's attitude was what turned the tide.
"Akmal wanted to get so much turn off even our flat pitch that he was forced to chuck really badly. When you want that much turn, you have no choice but to chuck. He has that same drive for results that Murali and Shoib had when they came here. Then came the tricky part. We needed to come up with a new scientific explanation for this almost-underarm action of his since we'd used hyperextension and the 15 degree logic too many times. I came up with one in an inspired moment - biosuperposition. Because at the end of the day, that's what this bloke's action does. It puts him and his team in a super position" said Watson, rounding off.
"Akmal wanted to get so much turn off even our flat pitch that he was forced to chuck really badly. When you want that much turn, you have no choice but to chuck. He has that same drive for results that Murali and Shoib had when they came here. Then came the tricky part. We needed to come up with a new scientific explanation for this almost-underarm action of his since we'd used hyperextension and the 15 degree logic too many times. I came up with one in an inspired moment - biosuperposition. Because at the end of the day, that's what this bloke's action does. It puts him and his team in a super position" said Watson, rounding off.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Management lessons from the Third Battle of Tumkur 1345 A.D.
This is the first part of a series where the author draws management lessons from all sorts of crap that happened such a long time ago that factual inaccuracy will not be noticed.
When Raja Kumbha invaded the Shaurya empire, he forgot to take along his army. He got caught and spent the rest of his life in the Shauryan prison which was only so-so but he managed.
Lesson : In a corporate setting, you should learn to adapt, especially if you are absent-minded.
The Shaurya empire, angered by Kumbha's feeble attempt, decided to acquire territories in Newfoundland and set sail on rough seas. The ships got screwed in storm after storm and the emperor Rudraveera was thrown overboard and he drowned.
Lesson : You should be a team player and a leader but swimming is an individual sort of activity.
Angered at the storm, Tungabhadra, the emperor's 8th wife, went to meet his brother Kudraveera . She described in lengthy poetic verse the storm that had killed the emperor. But Kudraveera married her by force and that was at the least the end of her mediocre poetry.
Lesson : When making a presentation, you should keep the audience in mind.
Kudraveera attacked and annexed large parts of North India. On a hunting expedition in a forest he encountered a group of tribals with swords and other weapons who attacked and surrounded him. He tried imitating them and making their sounds and they started clapping. Soon they adopted him as part of the tribe and he became one of them but one day they killed and ate him with green chutney and margarine.
Lesson : If you join a new organisation, you need to read up on its culture.
Kudra's son-in-law Pratap was a brave warrior, second to none. He shifted his capital from Ferozepur to Andhipatti and then back 4-5 times thereby killing most of his kingdom. He died of a rose essence overdose at the age of 97.
Lesson : A dead team is as good as no team at all.
Pratap left behind two sons each, from his two wives and there was no clear indication of who would succeed him. But, in his will, he had asked for his wealth to be divided according to a complicated formula based on seniority and many other variables. But he hadn't left behind much of anything to divide, so it wasn't a real problem.
Lesson : Succession planning is important but you should do other stuff too.
Pratap's eldest son, Bhootraj took on the mighty Malavi empire in the battle of Tumkur. His general Shoora was a 9 to 6 kinda guy and refused to fight beyond sunset. But Bhootraj insisted and Shoora obliged unwillingly, cursing under his breath.
Lesson : Screw your subordinates. They can't do anything
When Raja Kumbha invaded the Shaurya empire, he forgot to take along his army. He got caught and spent the rest of his life in the Shauryan prison which was only so-so but he managed.
Lesson : In a corporate setting, you should learn to adapt, especially if you are absent-minded.
The Shaurya empire, angered by Kumbha's feeble attempt, decided to acquire territories in Newfoundland and set sail on rough seas. The ships got screwed in storm after storm and the emperor Rudraveera was thrown overboard and he drowned.
Lesson : You should be a team player and a leader but swimming is an individual sort of activity.
Angered at the storm, Tungabhadra, the emperor's 8th wife, went to meet his brother Kudraveera . She described in lengthy poetic verse the storm that had killed the emperor. But Kudraveera married her by force and that was at the least the end of her mediocre poetry.
Lesson : When making a presentation, you should keep the audience in mind.
Kudraveera attacked and annexed large parts of North India. On a hunting expedition in a forest he encountered a group of tribals with swords and other weapons who attacked and surrounded him. He tried imitating them and making their sounds and they started clapping. Soon they adopted him as part of the tribe and he became one of them but one day they killed and ate him with green chutney and margarine.
Lesson : If you join a new organisation, you need to read up on its culture.
Kudra's son-in-law Pratap was a brave warrior, second to none. He shifted his capital from Ferozepur to Andhipatti and then back 4-5 times thereby killing most of his kingdom. He died of a rose essence overdose at the age of 97.
Lesson : A dead team is as good as no team at all.
Pratap left behind two sons each, from his two wives and there was no clear indication of who would succeed him. But, in his will, he had asked for his wealth to be divided according to a complicated formula based on seniority and many other variables. But he hadn't left behind much of anything to divide, so it wasn't a real problem.
Lesson : Succession planning is important but you should do other stuff too.
Pratap's eldest son, Bhootraj took on the mighty Malavi empire in the battle of Tumkur. His general Shoora was a 9 to 6 kinda guy and refused to fight beyond sunset. But Bhootraj insisted and Shoora obliged unwillingly, cursing under his breath.
Lesson : Screw your subordinates. They can't do anything
Friday, April 24, 2009
Meetings
1.
Looks ok. Average height. Oh, didn't notice the heels. Short. Fair.
'Should we order? What would you like to have? Coffee? Something to eat? I just had lunch, so I'll just have a coffee. That's ok with you, right?'
Talkative.
'Yeah, fine'
'I speak too fast no? I know I have that habit. What to do? You have a problem? You aren't saying anything?'
'No, no issues. So this your first meeting?'
'No, I met some guy last month. It was so weird...'
No, dude, don't switch off now, stay awake, hello? Gone. I regain consciousness but story is over by then
'So he didn't call. Why's this coffee taking so long? What about you? First meeting? What do you do by the way? I didn't ask. Sorry. Should have. So you live around here? You are silent. Did I say something wrong?'
Ears objecting to too many words going in. Time to pull out.
'Yeah, nearby. I had to be close to the hospital. Things have been quite bad after the syphilis diagnosis'
'Oh ok so my favourite is hazelnu...what diagnosis?'
----------------
2.
Looks decent. Shortlisting process is working well. Mandatory enquiries and pleasantries.
'I don't watch movies at all. I don't like movies. I think they are a waste of time'
Not good. More conversation.
'I read only non-fiction and management books'
Do I look like I want robots for kids? More inane small talk.
'Haaaan I think so that is correct'
Bad grammar also. Launch time.
'There's something I have to tell you. You will be a bit shocked but I hope it won't affect, you know, whatever we have...er. We were also shocked. I first thought it was just Madras Eye...'
----------------
Looks ok. Average height. Oh, didn't notice the heels. Short. Fair.
'Should we order? What would you like to have? Coffee? Something to eat? I just had lunch, so I'll just have a coffee. That's ok with you, right?'
Talkative.
'Yeah, fine'
'I speak too fast no? I know I have that habit. What to do? You have a problem? You aren't saying anything?'
'No, no issues. So this your first meeting?'
'No, I met some guy last month. It was so weird...'
No, dude, don't switch off now, stay awake, hello? Gone. I regain consciousness but story is over by then
'So he didn't call. Why's this coffee taking so long? What about you? First meeting? What do you do by the way? I didn't ask. Sorry. Should have. So you live around here? You are silent. Did I say something wrong?'
Ears objecting to too many words going in. Time to pull out.
'Yeah, nearby. I had to be close to the hospital. Things have been quite bad after the syphilis diagnosis'
'Oh ok so my favourite is hazelnu...what diagnosis?'
----------------
2.
Looks decent. Shortlisting process is working well. Mandatory enquiries and pleasantries.
'I don't watch movies at all. I don't like movies. I think they are a waste of time'
Not good. More conversation.
'I read only non-fiction and management books'
Do I look like I want robots for kids? More inane small talk.
'Haaaan I think so that is correct'
Bad grammar also. Launch time.
'There's something I have to tell you. You will be a bit shocked but I hope it won't affect, you know, whatever we have...er. We were also shocked. I first thought it was just Madras Eye...'
----------------
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Kakhi dumps second husband, readies for Season-2
In a press conference today, reality show diva Kakhi Jawant publicly dumped her second husband, Abhishek, citing personal reasons. Abhishek, who tied for first place in Season-1 of 'Kakhi ka Swayamvar' last year, is planning to sue the TV channel for divorce, sources say. Readers will remember that Kakhi had separated from Sanjay, the other winner/husband earlier this year. After last season's finale which saw Kakhi gushing 'I love you both. It's a tie' followed by a 3-way marriage amidst much fanfare, things did not quite go as planned in the Kakhi household. 'Every fight can't be settled with a dance-off' Kakhi had once told a journalist late last year.
Trade analysts feel this is just Kakhi's preparation for Season-2 of 'Kakhi ka Swayamvar' which will be a more socially acceptable show if she is single again.
Police meanwhile arrested 17 attendees of Kakhi's press conference for wearing a third chappal with malicious intent.
Trade analysts feel this is just Kakhi's preparation for Season-2 of 'Kakhi ka Swayamvar' which will be a more socially acceptable show if she is single again.
Police meanwhile arrested 17 attendees of Kakhi's press conference for wearing a third chappal with malicious intent.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Mumbai Run-down
Aamna protests Varoun Gandi's self-deprecatory speech
The Sivasena mouthpiece Aamna did a volte-face on the Varoun episode after he went overboard scolding and berating himself for his 'stupidasssss' speech against a particular community, which had incidentally been appreciated in the Aamna editorial. "What was I thinking? I should be beaten and mauled. I'm such a jackass" Varoun said yesterday in a press meet. Aamna lodged a protest with the Mumbai HC stating that Varoun should not insult himself as he represents more than himself - he is now the voice of the common rioter all over the country.
Varoun moves SC
In a rare display of emotion, SC Judge Balaiah broke down listening to Varoun Gandi's pathetic excuse that the CD of his inflammatory speech had scratches. This is the first time the SC has been visibly moved on this issue.
Aamna protests Freeda cover
Aamna created more ripples of controversy after the ugly Chaplin statue episode, by protesting against 'Dumbdog Millionaire' starlet Freeda Pintu's cover picture in 'Kaamwalibai' a housekeeping weekly famous in South Bombay. 'We don't want foreign talent in this area' the article said.
'Vote against Lead Hindustan' campaign successful
Mumbai came together as one voice on Marine Drive and demanded that there be no more election-related preaching in mainstream media, specifically targeting a leading daily, TOH. 'Is TOH forgetting their vision - to bring raunchy photographs to your doorstep at affordable prices?' thundered an ex-loyalist angrily. TOH was forced to concede and has promised to stop the campaign immediately.
The Sivasena mouthpiece Aamna did a volte-face on the Varoun episode after he went overboard scolding and berating himself for his 'stupidasssss' speech against a particular community, which had incidentally been appreciated in the Aamna editorial. "What was I thinking? I should be beaten and mauled. I'm such a jackass" Varoun said yesterday in a press meet. Aamna lodged a protest with the Mumbai HC stating that Varoun should not insult himself as he represents more than himself - he is now the voice of the common rioter all over the country.
Varoun moves SC
In a rare display of emotion, SC Judge Balaiah broke down listening to Varoun Gandi's pathetic excuse that the CD of his inflammatory speech had scratches. This is the first time the SC has been visibly moved on this issue.
Aamna protests Freeda cover
Aamna created more ripples of controversy after the ugly Chaplin statue episode, by protesting against 'Dumbdog Millionaire' starlet Freeda Pintu's cover picture in 'Kaamwalibai' a housekeeping weekly famous in South Bombay. 'We don't want foreign talent in this area' the article said.
'Vote against Lead Hindustan' campaign successful
Mumbai came together as one voice on Marine Drive and demanded that there be no more election-related preaching in mainstream media, specifically targeting a leading daily, TOH. 'Is TOH forgetting their vision - to bring raunchy photographs to your doorstep at affordable prices?' thundered an ex-loyalist angrily. TOH was forced to concede and has promised to stop the campaign immediately.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Azhruddin, Sunjay Dutt start 'clean politics' campaign
The Milan party may well be fielding the cleanest candidates this election, with Bollywood superstar Sunjay Dutt also joining his sister, breaking away from his prior loyalties. The party has an average count of 5 criminal cases per candidate which is one of the lowest this election. The party's overall split-up looks quite good, with party candidates, between them, storing 33 submachine guns, 350 tons RdX, throwing 56 cricket matches, killing or kidnapping or raping or beating up 45,456 victims overall, wiping out 7 entire villages, selling 35,678 pages of classified government information to friendly neighbours, and accepting 13,400 crore in bribe money (as per declared receipts). Taking advantage of these docile numbers are the party's star candidates, former cricketer Azhruddin and Sunju Dada who are launching a campaign on the 'clean politics' platform.
'Who would you like to bring to power, I ask you. On the one hand you have criminals who have more than 7-8 ongoing cases against them on an average, involving rape, murder, extortion and bribery. On the other, you have people like me and Sunju, who have less than 5-6 cases against us. I threw cricket matches for money and Sunju aided acts of terror. Is that something even worth remembering?' asked Azhruddin in a fiery rally speech. 'On my personal involvement in the match-fixing scandal, I just have this to say. I once offered Sachen and Sourav 4 crore to throw an important match and they refused. Did I insist? No. Instead, I tried to do whatever little I could with a duck, some dropped catches and terrible captaincy. That was the kind of man I was and am.' he said. 'And my rivals claim that match-fixing amounts to selling your country. The idea is laughable. There are so many other things in a country which can't be sold. And we always had the opportunity of winning matches where I didn't play due to some injury, didn't we? What's your reply to that?' he challenged.
'Who would you like to bring to power, I ask you. On the one hand you have criminals who have more than 7-8 ongoing cases against them on an average, involving rape, murder, extortion and bribery. On the other, you have people like me and Sunju, who have less than 5-6 cases against us. I threw cricket matches for money and Sunju aided acts of terror. Is that something even worth remembering?' asked Azhruddin in a fiery rally speech. 'On my personal involvement in the match-fixing scandal, I just have this to say. I once offered Sachen and Sourav 4 crore to throw an important match and they refused. Did I insist? No. Instead, I tried to do whatever little I could with a duck, some dropped catches and terrible captaincy. That was the kind of man I was and am.' he said. 'And my rivals claim that match-fixing amounts to selling your country. The idea is laughable. There are so many other things in a country which can't be sold. And we always had the opportunity of winning matches where I didn't play due to some injury, didn't we? What's your reply to that?' he challenged.
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