Veteran SBP leader Abu Salim, MP of the Muzabarpur constituency, will face tough competition in the upcoming Indian general elections from young gun Qazab (of the Mumbai attacks' fame) who heads the youth wing of BDS. The opinion polls indicate that the situation is interestingly poised.
There is little to choose between the candidates. Qazab has a track record of fearless attacks and his high intensity training at Karachi seems to have stood him in good stead. Salim, on the other hand is now a well-known face and has the experience of running giant corporations that carry out drug deals, extortion, kidnaps and so on.
'I learnt a great deal from the Mumbai attacks. That was a rough time in my life and I had to spend a few days in jail as well, which was a humbling experience. But that was where my cell mates encouraged me to look at politics as a career' said Qazab, in a telephonic chat, 'When the Bakawati Commision report came out this year, acquitting me and my friends in the 26/11 attacks, I was overjoyed' he said,'I still remember the Mumbai attacks fondly. Despite the loss of lives, you have to admit that if not for this, no one would recognise me on the streets.' When asked about the issue of his nationality, Qazab had this to say -'The aam Indian voter does not care about where the neta is from. All he wants is food'
And food it is that BDS promises - two bags of rice in return for every vote. Salim bhai, on the other hand is depending on cash bribes and also a high profile campaign including dance numbers by his long time friend Bonica Medi.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Qazab brought down to 11, commisioner still not happy
The ongoing negotiations between Mumbai police and captured terrorist Qazab ended on a positive note today, said official sources. Qazab, who demanded on Saturday that the official record of the attacks show that 25 armed terrorists entered Indian waters for the attack last week, brought down this number to 11, faced with tremendous pressure from the police negotiators and public outcry. While this outcome was seen as good, the city commisioner said there was scope for a further reduction. 'We have him on the backfoot' he said.
'We can't permit so many to enter our country at one time. 25 is just not acceptable' the Navy head had gone on air saying late last night. Qazab, in an exclusive interview with NTDV, had said that he was OK with 15 plus. 'We have invested a lot in this complicated assignment. It would be an insult to our organisation to have any number less than 15 in the records. If you want the number to be reduced, we will disown this whole thing and let our infant-wing, dekkan hujahideen take credit' he threatened. 'And what about the 14 terrorists hiding in Mumbai right now? Spare a thought for them' he urged.
This did not go down well with the average Mumbaikar. 'It is a day of shame for all of us. It feels like my own home has been invaded by approximately more than 20 people' said an angry activist.
The tense negotiations today included an offer to get the remaining escaped 14 terrorists normal citizenship to avoid public panic and get their boat tickets pre-dated. Qazab also promised that they would not create trouble for a few months. 'They are anyway shy of publicity and also a little scared of the seething Mumbaikar and his rallies' he said, smiling.
'We can't permit so many to enter our country at one time. 25 is just not acceptable' the Navy head had gone on air saying late last night. Qazab, in an exclusive interview with NTDV, had said that he was OK with 15 plus. 'We have invested a lot in this complicated assignment. It would be an insult to our organisation to have any number less than 15 in the records. If you want the number to be reduced, we will disown this whole thing and let our infant-wing, dekkan hujahideen take credit' he threatened. 'And what about the 14 terrorists hiding in Mumbai right now? Spare a thought for them' he urged.
This did not go down well with the average Mumbaikar. 'It is a day of shame for all of us. It feels like my own home has been invaded by approximately more than 20 people' said an angry activist.
The tense negotiations today included an offer to get the remaining escaped 14 terrorists normal citizenship to avoid public panic and get their boat tickets pre-dated. Qazab also promised that they would not create trouble for a few months. 'They are anyway shy of publicity and also a little scared of the seething Mumbaikar and his rallies' he said, smiling.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Nothing to offer
What do you want from me? I can't help you out. I'm also pretty sure nobody can. Unless you want cliches about time healing your wounds, if you have lost someone in the attacks. Or about how you are in a peaceful place at least now, if you died.
Do condolences help you? You are either my half-acquaintance, my friend's friend, or someone I saw on TV or someone I don't know or have heard of. I can express my condolences. And I can adorn it with adjectives. I don't think I should call you or meet you because I don't think you would want to meet anybody. I can't get myself to email you because I can't find the right words. Everything sounds shallow. It's unfair in a way. What words match death in depth? I think about chucking the idea. Unexpressed condolences are also condolences.
I want to donate blood. Some of you are alive and injured and may need blood. The queues to donate in the hospital are long. My blood group is a common group and will probably not be required. Maybe I should still go across and give it a shot. But there are likely to be security problems and they probably won't let me in the area. I guess I won't go. Maybe I should volunteer. These hospital websites aren't loading. For good reason-people are checking about their missing family members. I decide not to overload the website traffic. And volunteer as what? I don't want to counsel you. If I were in your place, god forbid - sorry, I doubt if counseling would work. My effectively rationalising mind finds a way through most messes. Maybe this time there's a subtle difference in that I came closer to doing something. This coming closer to action is something I owe you.
I can't seem to get back to normal work. I hate news but I'm still addicted to it. My mind is clouded. I'm not particularly sad or angry, just in a haze. Also frustrated. How can these news sites be updated every 5 seconds, I ask myself rationally, but my hands seem to be on their own trip, refreshing, refreshing, refreshing the page. The pity is I can't even read an entire article, even ones I start with immense interest. Who gives a damn? What does death have to do with foreign policy? I get back to drafting an appropriate email to a half-acquaintance, again in vain. These idle hours in the office are not constructive in any way. These hours are because of you and so they are for you.
I'd have preferred donating a part of my salary to buy these policemen vests that are actually bullet-proof. There is probably a government budget for this, it's just not being utilised. I have paid my taxes. I present to you my bullshitty 'it's the government's job' argument but I also know that it's only as useless to you as a monetary donation. The only difference is that I would have felt like I had done something concrete in the latter case but then this isn't about me.
What else can I do? Do you really care if I vote or participate in rallies? Nothing works here. I'm just hanging around waiting for the next round. I empathise with the common people of J&K and for a brief moment, also feel patriotic concern about the whole country turning into a security-less state. We can probably adjust to that as well. 'Normalcy' can be a constantly shifting state and more and more uniforms will figure in our daily lives. I share your despondency and I shake my head when you do and say, as you do, that the dead aren't coming back. And we are all done for. I will probably agree to everything you say, which is not good for you. I should stay away.
People are suddenly nicer, and I think that will last for a week. The other noises by temporarily vigilant citizens and temporarily active government officials will probably die out in two. Your loss (or going away) is having an effect. You are in my head as well, along with a feeling of inadequacy, a kind of intense helplessness. If I were stronger or if this were the first time, this would have made me do something, or try to do something. I know better now and just vent. My time and with it, my incoherent writing is dedicated to your loss. It's not anything but I really have nothing else.
Do condolences help you? You are either my half-acquaintance, my friend's friend, or someone I saw on TV or someone I don't know or have heard of. I can express my condolences. And I can adorn it with adjectives. I don't think I should call you or meet you because I don't think you would want to meet anybody. I can't get myself to email you because I can't find the right words. Everything sounds shallow. It's unfair in a way. What words match death in depth? I think about chucking the idea. Unexpressed condolences are also condolences.
I want to donate blood. Some of you are alive and injured and may need blood. The queues to donate in the hospital are long. My blood group is a common group and will probably not be required. Maybe I should still go across and give it a shot. But there are likely to be security problems and they probably won't let me in the area. I guess I won't go. Maybe I should volunteer. These hospital websites aren't loading. For good reason-people are checking about their missing family members. I decide not to overload the website traffic. And volunteer as what? I don't want to counsel you. If I were in your place, god forbid - sorry, I doubt if counseling would work. My effectively rationalising mind finds a way through most messes. Maybe this time there's a subtle difference in that I came closer to doing something. This coming closer to action is something I owe you.
I can't seem to get back to normal work. I hate news but I'm still addicted to it. My mind is clouded. I'm not particularly sad or angry, just in a haze. Also frustrated. How can these news sites be updated every 5 seconds, I ask myself rationally, but my hands seem to be on their own trip, refreshing, refreshing, refreshing the page. The pity is I can't even read an entire article, even ones I start with immense interest. Who gives a damn? What does death have to do with foreign policy? I get back to drafting an appropriate email to a half-acquaintance, again in vain. These idle hours in the office are not constructive in any way. These hours are because of you and so they are for you.
I'd have preferred donating a part of my salary to buy these policemen vests that are actually bullet-proof. There is probably a government budget for this, it's just not being utilised. I have paid my taxes. I present to you my bullshitty 'it's the government's job' argument but I also know that it's only as useless to you as a monetary donation. The only difference is that I would have felt like I had done something concrete in the latter case but then this isn't about me.
What else can I do? Do you really care if I vote or participate in rallies? Nothing works here. I'm just hanging around waiting for the next round. I empathise with the common people of J&K and for a brief moment, also feel patriotic concern about the whole country turning into a security-less state. We can probably adjust to that as well. 'Normalcy' can be a constantly shifting state and more and more uniforms will figure in our daily lives. I share your despondency and I shake my head when you do and say, as you do, that the dead aren't coming back. And we are all done for. I will probably agree to everything you say, which is not good for you. I should stay away.
People are suddenly nicer, and I think that will last for a week. The other noises by temporarily vigilant citizens and temporarily active government officials will probably die out in two. Your loss (or going away) is having an effect. You are in my head as well, along with a feeling of inadequacy, a kind of intense helplessness. If I were stronger or if this were the first time, this would have made me do something, or try to do something. I know better now and just vent. My time and with it, my incoherent writing is dedicated to your loss. It's not anything but I really have nothing else.
Have faith in bullshit - Dy CM tells Mumbai
'A prolonged period of bullshit was effective in countering terrorism after the train blasts of '06. We should stick to the same formula', Dy CM, R Tapil said today in a press conference. 'We must also strengthen our army, navy, schools, hospitals, citizens and families. We cannot afford to sit back. We must act. This is not the time to not act. Or sit back, as I mentioned. Action is very important. We have already heard a lot of talk, I'm sorry to say' he said, visibly disturbed.
'Mumbaikars have a different sort of rage now. They want action. The previous time they were just angry enough for inaction to also be a possible course but not this time' added MP Doera.
Mumbai, the golden haired cocker spaniel of a city that it is, limped back to normal like a sick cow that's spread its legs too many times. It is a sleeping giant of a cosmos with a plethora of castes, animals, flyovers, religions and suburbs and at times seems like a starry night sky only to be spoilt by a supernova. It is a resilient rubber band, a mother to all dreamers, free as a fiddle.
Huge crowds were spotted around the attack-sites, cheering the squads and not allowing them to do any of their mopping-up work. ' We want peace, not war. North and South are the same' shouted one activist as he threw himself on one of the military personnel trying to defuse a grenade, creating some moments of tense confusion.
Meanwhile, an email written by a attacker locked in at the hotel, to IIS of Pakishtan was intercepted yesterday with the text 'need approval to use minibar stop ran out of badam stop' This was flatly denied by the Pakishtani government that said, in an official release ' We have always maintained that the people we send to work on Indian assignments are of a top-notch quality, much unlike these morons'.
The Hujahideen has sent details of its next target and the detailed plan of action for sourcing the explosives, training the personnel and so on, to the Inteligence Bureau. 'They have given us a year's notice this time. We have enough time to buy metal-tipped lathis for the policemen in the targeted area. Also the entire station is to be re-painted and this kind of reform is bound to be a slap in the face of such terrorists' said a senior official.
Filmmaker Ramgopalverrma has been invited by the state government to take on the mantle of chief investigator in the attacks and the investigation is expected to be complete abruptly in two hours and be released in five languages.
Media and news agencies have been busy trying to contact the families of the dead for comments.
Disclaimer : Just venting frustration. Willing to remove post if found insensitive.
'Mumbaikars have a different sort of rage now. They want action. The previous time they were just angry enough for inaction to also be a possible course but not this time' added MP Doera.
Mumbai, the golden haired cocker spaniel of a city that it is, limped back to normal like a sick cow that's spread its legs too many times. It is a sleeping giant of a cosmos with a plethora of castes, animals, flyovers, religions and suburbs and at times seems like a starry night sky only to be spoilt by a supernova. It is a resilient rubber band, a mother to all dreamers, free as a fiddle.
Huge crowds were spotted around the attack-sites, cheering the squads and not allowing them to do any of their mopping-up work. ' We want peace, not war. North and South are the same' shouted one activist as he threw himself on one of the military personnel trying to defuse a grenade, creating some moments of tense confusion.
Meanwhile, an email written by a attacker locked in at the hotel, to IIS of Pakishtan was intercepted yesterday with the text 'need approval to use minibar stop ran out of badam stop' This was flatly denied by the Pakishtani government that said, in an official release ' We have always maintained that the people we send to work on Indian assignments are of a top-notch quality, much unlike these morons'.
The Hujahideen has sent details of its next target and the detailed plan of action for sourcing the explosives, training the personnel and so on, to the Inteligence Bureau. 'They have given us a year's notice this time. We have enough time to buy metal-tipped lathis for the policemen in the targeted area. Also the entire station is to be re-painted and this kind of reform is bound to be a slap in the face of such terrorists' said a senior official.
Filmmaker Ramgopalverrma has been invited by the state government to take on the mantle of chief investigator in the attacks and the investigation is expected to be complete abruptly in two hours and be released in five languages.
Media and news agencies have been busy trying to contact the families of the dead for comments.
Disclaimer : Just venting frustration. Willing to remove post if found insensitive.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Profundity
'Should I go via flyover or Pedder Road?'
'Whichever route is quicker'
'No no, beta. These sort of things don't make a difference to me. In my entire life, I have always believed that this is a matter of business. The meter is on, so whatever is your wish shall be the route. It is right no? You understand, no, the concept?...blah blah '
Uh Oh. The profound cabbie syndrome. And this was a long cab ride. To someone who can go from geography to one's world-view in two seconds as demonstrated above, thirty minutes was a lifetime.
'OK. JJ then'
'Where do you live?'
'Colaba'
'Yeah, thought so. I took one look and I knew that you had to be in that area'
Genius.
'Your parents? Are you married?'
'My parents are not in Colaba. I'm not married'
Talking about where my parents were would have led to a flurry of questions. I thought I'd stick to Colaba and be done with it.
'Parents are everything but marriage is also important. What is man? What thing is man. It's funny sometimes.'
Maybe I should just get out and take the train. People rarely bother others in a train other than to pick up fights which are generally uncomplicated and short-lived.
'When my father was in the village, he used to say to me. Do things but do them honestly. Whatever one does, one should do well. It can be anything.'
'Does your cab have a radio?'
'I look at these new taxi drivers and I feel sad. What? No. There is no radio. So these new taxi drivers. They don't respect. That's the problem'
Where is my i-pod when I need it?
'But God is there. God never lets one down'
This is a topic that could expand exponentially and become a gigantic time-bubble that would fill up every second of the rest of the ride many times over. I had to intervene before things got...er...deeper.
'Where are you from?'
'Me? A small village called Misapur about 53 km...blah'
A detailed description of the place. How to get there. The cheapest way to get there. How many times he has been there in the last ten years. I gradually switched off.
'...Marriage works only when the woman is good'
Hell. How did he get back there from Misapur?
'You should get married. Don't mistake me. I always speak whatever I feel. I speak from the heart. I think one should always speak the truth. You will end up with enemies. Isn't it? Hahahaha'
'Haha...haha' I laughed lamely. I guess I didn't want to mess around with a profound cabbie especially when he was talking about enemies. Also silence, I noticed, only tended to make him repeat himself till he got an appropriate reaction.
'What does one have after all? I ask you. This money etc. Can you take it when you die?'
I got the feeling his meter didn't exactly share this nonchalance about money.
'Is your meter good?'
'It is a pukka meter. I don't do such things. In my entire life I have always blah blah'
I had my doubts. Meanwhile, an angry silence replaced the friendly banter. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Destination approaching. Phew. Stop.
'Pay as much as you want, since you don't trust me'
Awww. 'OK. I pay 200 bucks usually. Here'
'How can you do such as thing? Your home will be ruined, I tell you'
'220? take it or leave it'
Takes it but the tirade continues.
'How can you be like this? All this for 30 rupees.' Drives off in a huff.
Must explain why Mumbaiites still queue up to buy cars knowing they will never touch 20 kmph.
'Whichever route is quicker'
'No no, beta. These sort of things don't make a difference to me. In my entire life, I have always believed that this is a matter of business. The meter is on, so whatever is your wish shall be the route. It is right no? You understand, no, the concept?...blah blah
Uh Oh. The profound cabbie syndrome. And this was a long cab ride. To someone who can go from geography to one's world-view in two seconds as demonstrated above, thirty minutes was a lifetime.
'OK. JJ then'
'Where do you live?'
'Colaba'
'Yeah, thought so. I took one look and I knew that you had to be in that area'
Genius.
'Your parents? Are you married?'
'My parents are not in Colaba. I'm not married'
Talking about where my parents were would have led to a flurry of questions. I thought I'd stick to Colaba and be done with it.
'Parents are everything but marriage is also important. What is man? What thing is man. It's funny sometimes.'
Maybe I should just get out and take the train. People rarely bother others in a train other than to pick up fights which are generally uncomplicated and short-lived.
'When my father was in the village, he used to say to me. Do things but do them honestly. Whatever one does, one should do well. It can be anything.'
'Does your cab have a radio?'
'I look at these new taxi drivers and I feel sad. What? No. There is no radio. So these new taxi drivers. They don't respect. That's the problem'
Where is my i-pod when I need it?
'But God is there. God never lets one down'
This is a topic that could expand exponentially and become a gigantic time-bubble that would fill up every second of the rest of the ride many times over. I had to intervene before things got...er...deeper.
'Where are you from?'
'Me? A small village called Misapur about 53 km...blah'
A detailed description of the place. How to get there. The cheapest way to get there. How many times he has been there in the last ten years. I gradually switched off.
'...Marriage works only when the woman is good'
Hell. How did he get back there from Misapur?
'You should get married. Don't mistake me. I always speak whatever I feel. I speak from the heart. I think one should always speak the truth. You will end up with enemies. Isn't it? Hahahaha'
'Haha...haha' I laughed lamely. I guess I didn't want to mess around with a profound cabbie especially when he was talking about enemies. Also silence, I noticed, only tended to make him repeat himself till he got an appropriate reaction.
'What does one have after all? I ask you. This money etc. Can you take it when you die?'
I got the feeling his meter didn't exactly share this nonchalance about money.
'Is your meter good?'
'It is a pukka meter. I don't do such things. In my entire life I have always blah blah'
I had my doubts. Meanwhile, an angry silence replaced the friendly banter. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Destination approaching. Phew. Stop.
'Pay as much as you want, since you don't trust me'
Awww. 'OK. I pay 200 bucks usually. Here'
'How can you do such as thing? Your home will be ruined, I tell you'
'220? take it or leave it'
Takes it but the tirade continues.
'How can you be like this? All this for 30 rupees.' Drives off in a huff.
Must explain why Mumbaiites still queue up to buy cars knowing they will never touch 20 kmph.
Monday, November 3, 2008
GWBush re-elected for a record third time
The US elections took a bizarre turn as the results started coming in today. The fake Tabilan tapes that were released yesterday by BS-TV seem to have brought back memories for the American public as they voted for the current incumbent GWBush who didn't figure in the list of candidates. People just wrote his name and a tick by the side. Obam and Mccane were unavailable for comment.
'We love GWBush's stance on the amount of mayonnaise that should go into a subway sandwich. He is my choice for president of the world', slurred one half-drunk voter, leaving the world wondering if GWBush is a well thought-out choice. However, the voting percentage stood at an all-time high of 4% leaving no room for doubt that GWB and the accompanying bad policies and recession are indeed the people's choice. ' We don't want change. We just want a president we can identify with' said another voter, ' and to be fair, I think he will smoke out Obama (sic) from his hide-out this time around'
'We love GWBush's stance on the amount of mayonnaise that should go into a subway sandwich. He is my choice for president of the world', slurred one half-drunk voter, leaving the world wondering if GWBush is a well thought-out choice. However, the voting percentage stood at an all-time high of 4% leaving no room for doubt that GWB and the accompanying bad policies and recession are indeed the people's choice. ' We don't want change. We just want a president we can identify with' said another voter, ' and to be fair, I think he will smoke out Obama (sic) from his hide-out this time around'
Friday, September 19, 2008
Don't care about novel contract : Repulsive represser
Rohit Dev looks like any other 25 year old Mumbaikar. But it is a different story altogether on blogosphere, where he's made a brand for himself. Readers (all four of them) will know him better as the repulsive represser (repulsiverepresser.blogspot.com) a blogger who's shocked the online world through the generally inane and downright dull material on his blog.
'I didn't realise my blog would actually be read by others - I just started writing online instead of my daily journal' he says modestly. 'There was this girl I used to stalk in college who came up with the name. I took an immediate liking to it and I knew instinctively that it would strike a chord with the youth of today'
With 4 hits and 2 profile views in two years, strike a chord the blog has certainly done.
'Desire- the root of all evil is probably the post that everyone enjoyed. I personally also like You are your own moral police' says Rohit.
'How does it feel to have lost out on a novel contract with India's most respected publishing companies?', I prod,'My platonic experiences sounds like a winner to me - what were the grounds on which it was rejected?'
He considers this question before answering.
'I don't really care. It is very sad that publishers are driven entirely by market forces. I heard just yesterday that the compulsive confectioner's got a million dollar advance to write a full length novel about how she used chocolate coated sex toys to build a spaceship for a 3rd standard science project. I do admit that I find the contents of her blog educational but a full-length novel?' he trails off.
'I didn't realise my blog would actually be read by others - I just started writing online instead of my daily journal' he says modestly. 'There was this girl I used to stalk in college who came up with the name. I took an immediate liking to it and I knew instinctively that it would strike a chord with the youth of today'
With 4 hits and 2 profile views in two years, strike a chord the blog has certainly done.
'Desire- the root of all evil is probably the post that everyone enjoyed. I personally also like You are your own moral police' says Rohit.
'How does it feel to have lost out on a novel contract with India's most respected publishing companies?', I prod,'My platonic experiences sounds like a winner to me - what were the grounds on which it was rejected?'
He considers this question before answering.
'I don't really care. It is very sad that publishers are driven entirely by market forces. I heard just yesterday that the compulsive confectioner's got a million dollar advance to write a full length novel about how she used chocolate coated sex toys to build a spaceship for a 3rd standard science project. I do admit that I find the contents of her blog educational but a full-length novel?' he trails off.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Vast gaps in intelligence : PM
Under attack for the way national security has been handled, Prime Minister Singgh on Wednesday admitted that there were indeed vast gaps in intelligence in the system, at the concluding day of the two-day Conference being held at Vidhan Bhavan.
"There is no question about the government being soft on terrorism," Mr. Singgh started. After a pause, he added, 'It's not rhetorical. I'm actually asking you guys. How come there's no question about the government being soft on terrorism? That's a pleasant surprise'
"There is no question about the government being soft on terrorism," Mr. Singgh started. After a pause, he added, 'It's not rhetorical. I'm actually asking you guys. How come there's no question about the government being soft on terrorism? That's a pleasant surprise'
'I think this is the time for tougher laws governing terrorist acts. As is obvious, these bombers are obviously not following any of the laws we painstakingly enact from time to time. The solution is not better terrorists - it is better laws.'
'I have always felt this big gap in intelligence in our political system. For instance, I always thought I was hugely smarter than Mamata' he said, 'Lately, the gap has become so wide that people just don't seem to understand what I'm saying'
Nowhere is this gap in intelligence felt more than between the people conducting the serial blasts and those who are supposed to prevent it. In a clandestine IQ test held recently, the Indian Hujahideen outperformed the Intelligence Bureau by more than 50% sparking widespread changes in blast-policy. The terrorist outfit immediately released a note to the press giving away detailed notes of where blasts have been planned over the next 10 years. 'Now that we know these chaps are slow, it's only fair that we give them time to study the drawings and the plan. It's no fun otherwise.' a masked spokesperson said.
Other parties expressed similar sentiments as the PM except Gaj Thawkre's SNM, Mumbai. 'We need legislation to get these plans in Marathi and French so that my son and I can go through these' said a visibly embarrassed Gaj Thawkre, when asked about his views.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Review for sale
Good movie : Bad review :
These are easy to write. The following tips will help
1. Expectation mismatch : You know that Amir Khan is the creator of this piece and you walk into the theater expecting the world. The outcome though is far from satisfying and you leave a disappointed soul,
2. Random historical references : still searching for the same magic as say ' Rangeela' or even 'Raakh' where the man displayed a shrewd understanding of his audience. This is not to say
3. Disclaimers : that the movie is not without noble intent. It does have its moments but the message just gets lost along the way.
Bad movie : Good review : This is dicey because people will be out for your skin once you make them blow 300 bucks to watch some shit in a multiplex.
1. Insignificant details : Kiran Kher just oozes screen presence in the 30 second role she has. It is a short cameo admittedly but she just lights up the screen, reminding us of
2. Compare with old but hit crap : Mithoonda's Disko dancer. If you want to
3. Glorify the unadulteratedness of the nonsense : leave your brains behind and enjoy 3 hours of pure meaningless harmless fun, this is right up your alley. The director wants to have fun and makes no bones about it. This supremely over-indulgent
4. More detail, exaggeration : movie has perhaps the best right-hand-slapping-left-cheek scene ever in the history of Indian cinema when Kiran lovingly thrashes the hero.
example : http://www.rediff.com/movies/2008/aug/08singh1.htm
Can't think of an example for the first category, can you?
These are easy to write. The following tips will help
1. Expectation mismatch : You know that Amir Khan is the creator of this piece and you walk into the theater expecting the world. The outcome though is far from satisfying and you leave a disappointed soul,
2. Random historical references : still searching for the same magic as say ' Rangeela' or even 'Raakh' where the man displayed a shrewd understanding of his audience. This is not to say
3. Disclaimers : that the movie is not without noble intent. It does have its moments but the message just gets lost along the way.
Bad movie : Good review : This is dicey because people will be out for your skin once you make them blow 300 bucks to watch some shit in a multiplex.
1. Insignificant details : Kiran Kher just oozes screen presence in the 30 second role she has. It is a short cameo admittedly but she just lights up the screen, reminding us of
2. Compare with old but hit crap : Mithoonda's Disko dancer. If you want to
3. Glorify the unadulteratedness of the nonsense : leave your brains behind and enjoy 3 hours of pure meaningless harmless fun, this is right up your alley. The director wants to have fun and makes no bones about it. This supremely over-indulgent
4. More detail, exaggeration : movie has perhaps the best right-hand-slapping-left-cheek scene ever in the history of Indian cinema when Kiran lovingly thrashes the hero.
example : http://www.rediff.com/movies/2008/aug/08singh1.htm
Can't think of an example for the first category, can you?
Monday, August 18, 2008
Deiv Anand makes autobiographical movie: sues himself for defamation
Bollywood veteran Deiv Anand launched his latest movie 'What was I thinking?', touted to be the man's swan-song. Jacky Shroff plays Deiv Anand in this semi-autobiographical movie and also four other roles. 'I always like working with fresh faces like Jacky' said Deiv saab, forgetting that Jacky dada is a veteran himself.
The story is of a film-maker whose life follows a strange pattern. For each hit that he delivers, 50 of his movies flop. At least that's what he thinks till his 52nd movie also flops, shattering his hope and dream of one day making a movie that people other than him actually watch.
'I'm as nervous as I was last year when Guide was released' Deiv saab chatters on incoherently, 'I only wish someone would watch this bloody movie'
He also confirmed rumours that he was taking action against himself and the producer, again himself, for having depicted himself in a bad light in the movie. 'There are creative boundaries that should not be crossed, which I'm sad to say have been crossed, despite my warnings. It's alright to imitate me but I have to admit I was hurt watching the rushes, at being caricatured like this. I have filed for damages amounting to Re 1, which will cover Jackie's salary if not anything else' he roared.
The story is of a film-maker whose life follows a strange pattern. For each hit that he delivers, 50 of his movies flop. At least that's what he thinks till his 52nd movie also flops, shattering his hope and dream of one day making a movie that people other than him actually watch.
'I'm as nervous as I was last year when Guide was released' Deiv saab chatters on incoherently, 'I only wish someone would watch this bloody movie'
He also confirmed rumours that he was taking action against himself and the producer, again himself, for having depicted himself in a bad light in the movie. 'There are creative boundaries that should not be crossed, which I'm sad to say have been crossed, despite my warnings. It's alright to imitate me but I have to admit I was hurt watching the rushes, at being caricatured like this. I have filed for damages amounting to Re 1, which will cover Jackie's salary if not anything else' he roared.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
India leads tally in SMS-Olympics : Deepica Paducone wins High Jump
For the 5th consecutive day, the Indian contingent led the medals tally in the 2008 SMS-Olympics held in Delhi but mostly on the portal vote-for-gold.com. Readers will know the innovative format of this competition, where a list of nominees is submitted a month in advance by each country and medals are decided during the olympics on a majority of SMS votes. Deepica Paducone won the women's singles tennis gold 6-0, 6-0 against Maria Sarapova, who was expected to put up a tough fight especially after posing in revealing costumes for Playboy in March this year. Sania Mizra narrowly missed out in the women's doubles because of a wrist injury. 'Couldn't send enough sms'es. My surgery is affecting my performance' she said. Deepica also won 17 other gold medals in unrelated events - high jump, badminton, swimming, diving and gymnastics, taking India's tally to 405 golds in the competition so far. This is in addition to the sms-oscars she won last month for best actress, actor, newcomer, child artiste, light boy and stunt double. 'What a gift to give the country on a long weekend! Deepica reflects the hope of a generation' said the Union Sports Minister in an interview yesterday. 'Even when she was in school, she used to be terrible', her school teacher remembered fondly.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Definitions for the corporate rookie - I
Exposure : A powerful and easy way of extracting work from the innocent. It just means you have to work hard now so that you can get used to it and work hard later.
Challenge : Euphemism for shit work that no one else is willing to do.
Adversity : Synonym of shit - coined because it rhymes with many more words than shit and hence lends itself to poetry.
Learning : If your income is too small to justify the quantum of your work and you also believe you are higher on Maslow's than you actually are, this will do the trick.
Proactiveness : A trait that is used to fast-track the stupid ahead of the innocents.
Team player : A trait used to fast-track the vending-machine flirts ahead of the working innocents.
High quality work : Low quality work
Talent : Human beings
Genius : Human beings who turn up for work
Challenge : Euphemism for shit work that no one else is willing to do.
Adversity : Synonym of shit - coined because it rhymes with many more words than shit and hence lends itself to poetry.
Learning : If your income is too small to justify the quantum of your work and you also believe you are higher on Maslow's than you actually are, this will do the trick.
Proactiveness : A trait that is used to fast-track the stupid ahead of the innocents.
Team player : A trait used to fast-track the vending-machine flirts ahead of the working innocents.
High quality work : Low quality work
Talent : Human beings
Genius : Human beings who turn up for work
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Blahrb
-Siddick's is a fresh new voice in Indian fiction that begs hearing in today's world of corruption, communal violence, world peace, bad movies and cheap alcohol. He may not only be the least important author of his generation but has also turned out a masterpiece that is perhaps best described by those who made the mistake of reading it.
-This book is a race-horse-power-packed-non-stop-pace-maker triumph. It is dark and chilling (where I live) but that's only because there's a power-cut in my house. Vintage Siddick.
- Pick this novel up on a lazy summer afternoon and lose yourself in sleep. This one's a page-turner and you will regret being born mid-way through the 890 pages.
- This is an important book. It covers the difficult terrain of balderdash that other writers ignore, with the admirable clumsiness and a general disdain for the reader's intellect that has now come to characterise most of Siddick's work.
- The book appears, deceptively so, to be an epic saga covering several generations to the undiscerning reader but it operates on many levels and raises some fundamental questions about buying the book.
- Siddick is almost deliberately plain in his phrasing. Yet his book has that ineffable lyrical quality to it and a couple of sentences rhyme awkwardly. An absolute piece de resistance, a novel non pareil, a rare achievemento, a novel without raison-d-etre.
- A surprisingly poignant and pithy tale. This is a writer at the depth of his craft.
-This book is a race-horse-power-packed-non-stop-pace-maker triumph. It is dark and chilling (where I live) but that's only because there's a power-cut in my house. Vintage Siddick.
- Pick this novel up on a lazy summer afternoon and lose yourself in sleep. This one's a page-turner and you will regret being born mid-way through the 890 pages.
- This is an important book. It covers the difficult terrain of balderdash that other writers ignore, with the admirable clumsiness and a general disdain for the reader's intellect that has now come to characterise most of Siddick's work.
- The book appears, deceptively so, to be an epic saga covering several generations to the undiscerning reader but it operates on many levels and raises some fundamental questions about buying the book.
- Siddick is almost deliberately plain in his phrasing. Yet his book has that ineffable lyrical quality to it and a couple of sentences rhyme awkwardly. An absolute piece de resistance, a novel non pareil, a rare achievemento, a novel without raison-d-etre.
- A surprisingly poignant and pithy tale. This is a writer at the depth of his craft.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I'm older than I was three years back - Parthib Patail
Ghoni's absence in the forthcoming India-SL test series may just be the lucky break that young baby-faced wicket-keeper Parthib Patail was waiting for. But the only thing between him and another test match cap may be that very baby face that has endeared him to hardly anybody over the last many years.
"Just look at him. Would rather not have a keeper. And he definitely can't bat. He uses training wheels to hold up his bat in the nets" said Kumbli who believes that he is at least four times as old as young Patail.
Patail, though, is not amused. "After being dropped from the side three years back, I have consistently tried to look older. I sported a mush at one point and even got married, for God's sake. The fact is I am three years older than I was three years ago but my face still looks the same", he said, waving a copy of his birth and marriage certificate for all to see.
"It is a fact that I'm pretty much at the same place I started out with in terms of physical strength and cricketing ability. Still can't bat or keep wickets to save my life and have lost many matches for my state and 20-20 sides. But I have learnt how to take failure in my stride which is a valuable trait to have" he continued.
Will captain Kumbli give him a break in the first test? Or will young Patail be discriminated against on account of his complete lack of talent and baby face? We will know shortly.
"Just look at him. Would rather not have a keeper. And he definitely can't bat. He uses training wheels to hold up his bat in the nets" said Kumbli who believes that he is at least four times as old as young Patail.
Patail, though, is not amused. "After being dropped from the side three years back, I have consistently tried to look older. I sported a mush at one point and even got married, for God's sake. The fact is I am three years older than I was three years ago but my face still looks the same", he said, waving a copy of his birth and marriage certificate for all to see.
"It is a fact that I'm pretty much at the same place I started out with in terms of physical strength and cricketing ability. Still can't bat or keep wickets to save my life and have lost many matches for my state and 20-20 sides. But I have learnt how to take failure in my stride which is a valuable trait to have" he continued.
Will captain Kumbli give him a break in the first test? Or will young Patail be discriminated against on account of his complete lack of talent and baby face? We will know shortly.
Monday, July 14, 2008
20th century thamizh poetry and its influence on popular culture
submitted in partial fulfilment of doctorate in superstardom...
Adhandaa idhaandaa Arunaachalam naanthaandaa
That only, this only, Arunaachalam me only
Annai thamizh naattula naa anaivarukkum sondhandaa...
In mother Tamil Nadu I am belonging to everyone
Aandavan nadathiduvaandaa daa daa arunaachalam nadandhiduvaandaa
God will strategise gise gise, Arunachalam will implement ment ment
Naan uppu poatta aala marappadhilladaa
I don't forget man putting salt da
Aanaa thappu senja aala viduvadhilladaa (Adhaandaa)
But I don’t leave man making mistake da (That only)
Friday, July 11, 2008
White noise
"This reminds me of the time I used to work in Sion. There was this one staff officer who used to...I mean we have to be fair to him and all that because we don't know what he was going through but still a person has to, you know...take boss for example....I mean it's not always true but all I'm trying to say is that it is possible to be wrong. This guy I was talking about used to work a couple of offices away from me. Strictly speaking they were not offices, maybe some sort of cubicles. You've seen the ones at XYZ right? Maybe 2 metres wide, or 3. Something like that..."
Fade out. Fade in.
"...that is what he said, can you imagine? We were like oh my god. I don't know what happened to her."
Pause. I have to say something of a general nature here, I'm guessing.
"Yes. people, man, I tell you. All kinds", is my feeble attempt.
"Exactly. And not that I was pissed off or anything. I mean it is ok with me. But I'm like that"
Trrring. Phew.
"Hello. We are calling from StanC. We would like to offer you a free credit card"
Pesky call center credit-card salesman versus colleague given to random detailed anecdotes. Credit card pest gets disconnected. Back to colleague.
"As I was saying...What's that on your nose by the way, a boil? These things can spread to your brain. This triangular region is a little critical. So where was I? Forget that. What amazes me is that this chap...I mean how is it possible to be like that...My uncle once said that it is possible to be, you know, the uncle who lives in Chembur. Have I told you about him? He lives in Diamond Garden, you've seen that place where they, you know...You have to take left there and go straight about a few metres. Ok, I may be exaggerating when I say a few metres, maybe a kilometre. There is this old tree there that's I'm sure a thousand years old...hahaha...so it's about a kilometre, maximum a kilometre and a half. You can take an auto if you want to but I think, I mean purely personal opinion, you may differ. I mean like you said people are of different types. Me and my father for example. We can walk, I mean like not walk walk but more of a stroll or something..."
Fade out. Fade in with no recollection of how much time has passed in between.
"...and I had no clue what to do but that's another story. So what were we talking about before the digression?"
No frikkin' clue. What I would like to talk about, however, is the faulty wiring in your head that allows your mouth to emanate unprocessed sounds continuously.
"We were talking about some people, how they can be, you know...", I blurt.
"Exactly. I mean don't take this as bitching but if you are like that despite people telling you then I'm very sorry, boss I'm not the person for you. You understand what I'm saying? I mean I have to tell you despite all the negatives when I was working in Sion... I mean there wasn't even a process, can you believe that?... I'm saying despite all that, the truth is that it is still like the one place where despite all the negatives, a person, I mean these are not strictly negatives mind you, but you tell me how long can a person go on with something like this. My uncle used to say, the Chembur guy I told you about. Have I told you about him?"
I know enough about Chembur uncle now to go mug him at night and surrender at the Chembur police station.
"Yes. Diamond Garden". Am I really that good at pretend-listening?
"Yes. Like i was saying..."
Fade out. Fade in.
"..it's something like a dark greyish colour. I mean you can call it black but it's not pitch black. I don't know the technical term for it but it kind of looks like a ...hmm, I don't know but I think..."
Fade out. In.
"...that is not the point, right? Seriously the environment is such that even if one has to, I mean"
Out. In.
"You are rather quiet today, what happened?"
Trring.
"I is Tushar Sir calling respected yourself from StanC"
"Yeah hi! You got disconnected right?" I have never been this cheery to a spam-caller before.
"Sir Yes Credit card for you sir. You have been selected for this new offer sir, free credit card."
"Hmm. Interesting. Can you let me have some more detail?"
"Ma'am, of course yes, sir. Card is membership fee annual is exemption..."
Fade out.
Fade out. Fade in.
"...that is what he said, can you imagine? We were like oh my god. I don't know what happened to her."
Pause. I have to say something of a general nature here, I'm guessing.
"Yes. people, man, I tell you. All kinds", is my feeble attempt.
"Exactly. And not that I was pissed off or anything. I mean it is ok with me. But I'm like that"
Trrring. Phew.
"Hello. We are calling from StanC. We would like to offer you a free credit card"
Pesky call center credit-card salesman versus colleague given to random detailed anecdotes. Credit card pest gets disconnected. Back to colleague.
"As I was saying...What's that on your nose by the way, a boil? These things can spread to your brain. This triangular region is a little critical. So where was I? Forget that. What amazes me is that this chap...I mean how is it possible to be like that...My uncle once said that it is possible to be, you know, the uncle who lives in Chembur. Have I told you about him? He lives in Diamond Garden, you've seen that place where they, you know...You have to take left there and go straight about a few metres. Ok, I may be exaggerating when I say a few metres, maybe a kilometre. There is this old tree there that's I'm sure a thousand years old...hahaha...so it's about a kilometre, maximum a kilometre and a half. You can take an auto if you want to but I think, I mean purely personal opinion, you may differ. I mean like you said people are of different types. Me and my father for example. We can walk, I mean like not walk walk but more of a stroll or something..."
Fade out. Fade in with no recollection of how much time has passed in between.
"...and I had no clue what to do but that's another story. So what were we talking about before the digression?"
No frikkin' clue. What I would like to talk about, however, is the faulty wiring in your head that allows your mouth to emanate unprocessed sounds continuously.
"We were talking about some people, how they can be, you know...", I blurt.
"Exactly. I mean don't take this as bitching but if you are like that despite people telling you then I'm very sorry, boss I'm not the person for you. You understand what I'm saying? I mean I have to tell you despite all the negatives when I was working in Sion... I mean there wasn't even a process, can you believe that?... I'm saying despite all that, the truth is that it is still like the one place where despite all the negatives, a person, I mean these are not strictly negatives mind you, but you tell me how long can a person go on with something like this. My uncle used to say, the Chembur guy I told you about. Have I told you about him?"
I know enough about Chembur uncle now to go mug him at night and surrender at the Chembur police station.
"Yes. Diamond Garden". Am I really that good at pretend-listening?
"Yes. Like i was saying..."
Fade out. Fade in.
"..it's something like a dark greyish colour. I mean you can call it black but it's not pitch black. I don't know the technical term for it but it kind of looks like a ...hmm, I don't know but I think..."
Fade out. In.
"...that is not the point, right? Seriously the environment is such that even if one has to, I mean"
Out. In.
"You are rather quiet today, what happened?"
Trring.
"I is Tushar Sir calling respected yourself from StanC"
"Yeah hi! You got disconnected right?" I have never been this cheery to a spam-caller before.
"Sir Yes Credit card for you sir. You have been selected for this new offer sir, free credit card."
"Hmm. Interesting. Can you let me have some more detail?"
"Ma'am, of course yes, sir. Card is membership fee annual is exemption..."
Fade out.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Delegation
"That's all you need to do. Put these small documents together and make a big document. No analysis. No nothing. As simple as that. I will take it from there"
"Cool. Great. So I think we should sit on it sometime tomorrow..."
Ho Hum. here we go.
"...and then blah and then bluh and then blah. What do you think?"
Much as I love your way of doing it, i.e., by not doing it, I'm going to stick to the original idea.
"You put those together first no? We can discuss tomorrow when we have one document that's readable"
"You are not getting my point". Comes and sits and points at random objects on my laptop monitor. "...blah and bluh and so we need to discuss"
"I don't think putting these together is a two-man job. Are you doing something else right now or later today?"
Always ask questions you know the answer to.
"No. Ok chalo, I will take a shot at it"
Phew.
"Mr. Chatterjee? Hi. I was wondering if you could do this as well as part of your presentation..."
Can you hate a task so much that you will die avoiding it? Sometimes the greatest distance in the world is between a person and his work. I give up.
"Don't bother Mr. Chatterjee, man. I will do it myself"
"Cool. Just try putting these documents together to make one big document, plain and simple. No analysis or anything. We can discuss tomorrow when you are ready"
"Cool. Great. So I think we should sit on it sometime tomorrow..."
Ho Hum. here we go.
"...and then blah and then bluh and then blah. What do you think?"
Much as I love your way of doing it, i.e., by not doing it, I'm going to stick to the original idea.
"You put those together first no? We can discuss tomorrow when we have one document that's readable"
"You are not getting my point". Comes and sits and points at random objects on my laptop monitor. "...blah and bluh and so we need to discuss"
"I don't think putting these together is a two-man job. Are you doing something else right now or later today?"
Always ask questions you know the answer to.
"No. Ok chalo, I will take a shot at it"
Phew.
"Mr. Chatterjee? Hi. I was wondering if you could do this as well as part of your presentation..."
Can you hate a task so much that you will die avoiding it? Sometimes the greatest distance in the world is between a person and his work. I give up.
"Don't bother Mr. Chatterjee, man. I will do it myself"
"Cool. Just try putting these documents together to make one big document, plain and simple. No analysis or anything. We can discuss tomorrow when you are ready"
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Siv Seina buys suicide wing from Al Qaida for 2 bn$
In a landmark transaction that marks the coming of age of Indian M&A, Mumbai's very own Siv Seina (SS) bought 100% of the equity of Al Qaida's suicide wing for 2 bn$. Trade analysts have called the deal 'overpriced' and 'suicidal' but the management is gung-ho as usual about the new merged entity.
The genesis of the deal was some innovative thinking from the senior management of SS when responding to a war cry from the party supremo, who had urged the party to start a suicide wing to counter the threat that Islamic terrorist groups posed. The management realised that starting this wing from scratch would take a lot of time and effort whereas a ready-made solution existed - growth through the inorganic route.
Meanwhile Al Qaida was looking to hive off its suicide wing which had been bleeding for many years. This resulted in the perfect marriage, something that no one would have seen coming even a few weeks back, given the history of differences between the two parties. 'This proves that terrorist groups everywhere are fundamentally the same' said Abu Kazi, 'The fund inflow will be used to digitally remaster some Osama tapes that are in production including a romantic comedy and an out-and-out action thriller'
'With technology and manpower transfer from the suicide wing, we should be able to do at least a couple of bombings every month', SS Chairman Fackeray said non-committally,' We are retaining Al Qaida's top management, so there may be issues on which communities to target. The problem is the census survey is also outdated, so there is really no scientific way of doing this, apart from taking an SMS vote and so on. So we are keeping our staff entertained by making them watch Sarkar Raj-3 multiple times so as to simulate suicide and near-death conditions.'
The state government has taken a serious view of this episode and is scrutinising the deal documents for evidence of tax violations.
The genesis of the deal was some innovative thinking from the senior management of SS when responding to a war cry from the party supremo, who had urged the party to start a suicide wing to counter the threat that Islamic terrorist groups posed. The management realised that starting this wing from scratch would take a lot of time and effort whereas a ready-made solution existed - growth through the inorganic route.
Meanwhile Al Qaida was looking to hive off its suicide wing which had been bleeding for many years. This resulted in the perfect marriage, something that no one would have seen coming even a few weeks back, given the history of differences between the two parties. 'This proves that terrorist groups everywhere are fundamentally the same' said Abu Kazi, 'The fund inflow will be used to digitally remaster some Osama tapes that are in production including a romantic comedy and an out-and-out action thriller'
'With technology and manpower transfer from the suicide wing, we should be able to do at least a couple of bombings every month', SS Chairman Fackeray said non-committally,' We are retaining Al Qaida's top management, so there may be issues on which communities to target. The problem is the census survey is also outdated, so there is really no scientific way of doing this, apart from taking an SMS vote and so on. So we are keeping our staff entertained by making them watch Sarkar Raj-3 multiple times so as to simulate suicide and near-death conditions.'
The state government has taken a serious view of this episode and is scrutinising the deal documents for evidence of tax violations.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Love gooru answers!
The following is a transcript of a live chat session with our in-house relationship expert affectionately called the 'love gooru'
amresh : hi hi m 10 yr old boy in love with 12 yr old girl in school. pl help
L : Are you nuts? Go do your frikkin' homework, weird lil' brat...
srini : hi am hindu girl in love with muslim boy, his parents don't like the marriage. i feel like ending my life in world. pl help
L : Someone end my life in world
rocky : hi am muslim boy loving hindu girl and my parents are objecting
L : Stop right there. Refer answer above. Jeez. You two in the same chat room? What are you, 10?
amresh : no, i'm 10. in love with 12 yr old
L : You're still here, you spoilt little pain in the a**. Wait till i trace your ip
ridhi : hi i have life and death problem. i'm 12 yr old in love with
L : What is this- couples' chat day? Get out of my chat room, ye all
greg : hey man how you doing? ;)
L : Yeah dude, hit on me. Let's generate relationships. There don't seem to be any otherwise.
shamuddin : delhi daredevilry will win ipl
satya : go to pakstan where you belong
shamuddin : u go to uzbekistan then, the weathers really good this time of the year
satya : really? i was thinkin turkey, good suggestn sham, c ya
L : Really great catchin' up with you both. Anyone here who wants advice? Helloooo?
raj : hi, one of m close friends said she wants to marry me, now i'm worried that she might be hinting that she might want more than just a good frandship.
L : No absolutely not, please don't lose a good frand by mistaking her intent. Is she hot?
rehana : i fot wid a boy and he marrd some1 n nw i like hm, i cnt 4gt hm n thnk f hm alwys. wt shd i do
L : I'm astonished that I was actually able to decipher your sms-like crap.
loverboy12: there's this girl i really really like. i asked her out many times and she kept saying no. then one day i sms'ed her and she said no on sms. since then i keep calling her and messaging her thousands of times a day but she never responds. should i just give up, please advise?
L : Keep trying. Persistence, boy, persistence. Women love that. Another good idea is anticipatory bail for stalking. That's all we have time for, folks. Next round coming up in a week, same time. Hope to run into more interesting people than this bunch! bye!
amresh : hi hi m 10 yr old boy in love with 12 yr old girl in school. pl help
L : Are you nuts? Go do your frikkin' homework, weird lil' brat...
srini : hi am hindu girl in love with muslim boy, his parents don't like the marriage. i feel like ending my life in world. pl help
L : Someone end my life in world
rocky : hi am muslim boy loving hindu girl and my parents are objecting
L : Stop right there. Refer answer above. Jeez. You two in the same chat room? What are you, 10?
amresh : no, i'm 10. in love with 12 yr old
L : You're still here, you spoilt little pain in the a**. Wait till i trace your ip
ridhi : hi i have life and death problem. i'm 12 yr old in love with
L : What is this- couples' chat day? Get out of my chat room, ye all
greg : hey man how you doing? ;)
L : Yeah dude, hit on me. Let's generate relationships. There don't seem to be any otherwise.
shamuddin : delhi daredevilry will win ipl
satya : go to pakstan where you belong
shamuddin : u go to uzbekistan then, the weathers really good this time of the year
satya : really? i was thinkin turkey, good suggestn sham, c ya
L : Really great catchin' up with you both. Anyone here who wants advice? Helloooo?
raj : hi, one of m close friends said she wants to marry me, now i'm worried that she might be hinting that she might want more than just a good frandship.
L : No absolutely not, please don't lose a good frand by mistaking her intent. Is she hot?
rehana : i fot wid a boy and he marrd some1 n nw i like hm, i cnt 4gt hm n thnk f hm alwys. wt shd i do
L : I'm astonished that I was actually able to decipher your sms-like crap.
loverboy12: there's this girl i really really like. i asked her out many times and she kept saying no. then one day i sms'ed her and she said no on sms. since then i keep calling her and messaging her thousands of times a day but she never responds. should i just give up, please advise?
L : Keep trying. Persistence, boy, persistence. Women love that. Another good idea is anticipatory bail for stalking. That's all we have time for, folks. Next round coming up in a week, same time. Hope to run into more interesting people than this bunch! bye!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Mukesh Ambni buys BMC for 8 gazillion $
Reliable Industries, led by the world's richest man and business tycoon Mukesh Ambni acquired 100% of the equity of Bombay Municipal Corporation yesterday in a bold move that left the city pretty much indifferent as usual. Clandestine high-level negotiations have been going on for the past few months, revealed a company source. Both sides had hard-nosed negotiators who fought for every inch, delaying the closing by many months. Sources say Mukesh was very keen on VT, where he'd planned a second bungalow at a cost of 23 bazookillion dollars and the Oval for his son to play throwball with Shaun Pollock. BMC wished to retain management control over these and had to throw in Pedder Road and Borivilli Fast in return. The younger of the Ambni brothers, Sanil, not to be left behind, has put in a bid to buy Thane creek, which he plans to convert into a luxurious swimming pool at the cost of an arm and a leg.
Sena activists disrupted the announcement and restated their demand to find-replace B with M in all known nouns in the world. ''B' is a legacy left by the British. Are we not independent yet?' fumed an angry Mal Thackery. 'Mera Mharat mahaan. Mera Mummai mahaan' shouted the demonstrators, most of whom melonged to the Majrang Dal's Mhandup mranch.
Sena activists disrupted the announcement and restated their demand to find-replace B with M in all known nouns in the world. ''B' is a legacy left by the British. Are we not independent yet?' fumed an angry Mal Thackery. 'Mera Mharat mahaan. Mera Mummai mahaan' shouted the demonstrators, most of whom melonged to the Majrang Dal's Mhandup mranch.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Srisanth weeps uncontrollably again : Jumps to #2 in Times' 'world's most influential' list
'He hit me for six 4s in one over' gushed a weeping Srisanth in the post match conference as Jaipur Jokers crushed Chennai Chums in the final of the Indian Premiere League yesterday, 'I haven't been smashed so badly even in underarm cricket'.
Ace paceman Srisanth's bowling took a beating in the final and he returned figures of 4 overs for 80 and no wicket. He had a good reason to cry this time and cry he did- he was apparently inconsolable for hours after the match.
While he had little to cheer about in the match, what would have come as a pleasant surprise to him and his family was the Time's 'most influential people' list that's updated every few hours on the Times' website. The widespread media coverage of Srisanth's teary-eyed interview seems to have made him a familiar ugly sighting in every corner of the globe. Little wonder that he jumped from #132475 to #2 in a matter of 3 hours yesterday night on the list. The other Indians in the list are PV.Narasimha Rao (#23), Mandira Bedi (#45), Inspector Karamchand (#57), arbitrary mahout-cum-snake-charmer man (#73) and the Nano (#103). Srisanth's climb in the rankings is definitely an indicator of India finding its rightful place in the world, readers feel.
Ace paceman Srisanth's bowling took a beating in the final and he returned figures of 4 overs for 80 and no wicket. He had a good reason to cry this time and cry he did- he was apparently inconsolable for hours after the match.
While he had little to cheer about in the match, what would have come as a pleasant surprise to him and his family was the Time's 'most influential people' list that's updated every few hours on the Times' website. The widespread media coverage of Srisanth's teary-eyed interview seems to have made him a familiar ugly sighting in every corner of the globe. Little wonder that he jumped from #132475 to #2 in a matter of 3 hours yesterday night on the list. The other Indians in the list are PV.Narasimha Rao (#23), Mandira Bedi (#45), Inspector Karamchand (#57), arbitrary mahout-cum-snake-charmer man (#73) and the Nano (#103). Srisanth's climb in the rankings is definitely an indicator of India finding its rightful place in the world, readers feel.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
SC bored with arguements : hikes BC reservation again
The highest court in the Indian judiciary today upheld a PIL against both sides of the ongoing reservation debate - the PIL alleged that the arguements for and against reservation were getting increasingly repetitive and accuses both parties of being mind-numbingly boring as a ploy to get a quick judgement.
'Exclude creamy layer. Use economic and not caste criteria. Yawn', the two-page judgement reads. The judgement also slams the pro-reservation wing for excessive usage of the phrase 'years of oppression'. 'What years of oppression, useless fellow!' thundered justice KGB in the court when the lawyer used the phrase,'Wish I could subject you to some years of oppression'
The outcome of this long-drawn battle was a hike in the quota for backward classes to 40%. 'I'm retiring in six months, so I took an arbitrary decision and adjourned till November because people need time to figure out how I arrived at the number 40' said KGB with an enigmatic smile.
Forward classes meanwhile have taken this news badly and a radical group is now rumoured to have started a home-schooling movement. The rationale is that there are no seats in schools and colleges for kids from forward classes and hence they would have to be tutored at home till graduation/post graduation. Not to be left behind, the backward caste parties have reacted to this rumour by applying to the SC for a quota in home-tutoring as well. Parents can no longer help just their kids with homework and get away with it, it seems.
'Prima facie, I think the 40% would apply at homes as well because the judgement does not specify the instrument used to impart education. But I'm sure these lawyers will use their creativity and dig up some loopholes and talk about meritocracy beginning from the household etc' was KGB's unofficial view.
'Exclude creamy layer. Use economic and not caste criteria. Yawn', the two-page judgement reads. The judgement also slams the pro-reservation wing for excessive usage of the phrase 'years of oppression'. 'What years of oppression, useless fellow!' thundered justice KGB in the court when the lawyer used the phrase,'Wish I could subject you to some years of oppression'
The outcome of this long-drawn battle was a hike in the quota for backward classes to 40%. 'I'm retiring in six months, so I took an arbitrary decision and adjourned till November because people need time to figure out how I arrived at the number 40' said KGB with an enigmatic smile.
Forward classes meanwhile have taken this news badly and a radical group is now rumoured to have started a home-schooling movement. The rationale is that there are no seats in schools and colleges for kids from forward classes and hence they would have to be tutored at home till graduation/post graduation. Not to be left behind, the backward caste parties have reacted to this rumour by applying to the SC for a quota in home-tutoring as well. Parents can no longer help just their kids with homework and get away with it, it seems.
'Prima facie, I think the 40% would apply at homes as well because the judgement does not specify the instrument used to impart education. But I'm sure these lawyers will use their creativity and dig up some loopholes and talk about meritocracy beginning from the household etc' was KGB's unofficial view.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Happiness can't buy money : Warton Study
A study conducted by the economics department of Warton University has come up with some startling conclusions. The old adage 'happiness is money' has been disproved and how!
Researchers at the University, who carried out the study, found that inhabitants of happier countries are far poorer (economically) than grumpier, 'the-serious-types' nations.
In other words, the wider you smile, the poorer you are.
This finding contradicts years of wisdom that a higher sense of well-being translates into a higher GDP. This also explains how anomalies like Indya, Nepaul and Butan have always been off the charts on happiness but their cumulative per capita income never really added to much.
'The paradox arises from the fact that poorer people tend to feel happy in a simplistic way once their basic needs are met. And what's more, some of these lucky idiots take to drugs and alcohol which either make them happier immediately, or makes them give irrelevant responses to our questionnaire and screw up our results', a fuming Dr. Bernstein - one of the researchers who led the study, was quoted as saying.
Researchers at the University, who carried out the study, found that inhabitants of happier countries are far poorer (economically) than grumpier, 'the-serious-types' nations.
In other words, the wider you smile, the poorer you are.
This finding contradicts years of wisdom that a higher sense of well-being translates into a higher GDP. This also explains how anomalies like Indya, Nepaul and Butan have always been off the charts on happiness but their cumulative per capita income never really added to much.
'The paradox arises from the fact that poorer people tend to feel happy in a simplistic way once their basic needs are met. And what's more, some of these lucky idiots take to drugs and alcohol which either make them happier immediately, or makes them give irrelevant responses to our questionnaire and screw up our results', a fuming Dr. Bernstein - one of the researchers who led the study, was quoted as saying.
Friday, April 4, 2008
IIM-Q hikes fee to 3 cr : early birds to get 20% discount
IIM Qaziabad hiked its fee to 3 cr from 3 lakh last year, an undisclosed percentage increase. 'We are charging six times as much as Harvard, but you have to note that our faculty's far inferior', said Vijay Singh, the Chairman of the Governing Board.
'We will ensure that every minute a student spends on campus counts and the course is worth every penny the student shells out. A study amongst Q alumni revealed that their chief regret on campus was attending classes. So in the new paradigm, there will be fewer profs, fewer assignments, fewer textbooks and so on. We are also launching new specialisation streams - An MBA in deep-sea snorkeling, MBA in blog-surfing and an executive development program in solitaire are on the anvil right now', he revealed.
'The proceeds from student fees will be used to re-paint the entire campus. We might also get real professors this year and they won't come cheap. We did a study last year where we tried to gauge the students' expectation of faculty IQ-Scores and they unanimously voted in the above 100 category, which has put us in a quandary. I think the days of getting primary school dropouts to teach MBA courses are long gone' he said ruefully.
Undergrad students all over the country are still reeling at the shock that their last chance at 'two more years of doing nothing' is suddenly unaffordable. It appears that the 20% discount for the first 100 applicants will also do little to alleviate the situation.
'If we are spending that much, we might as well get a real degree na?' says Shaurabh, an MBA aspirant who has settled for copies of 'The 10-day MBA' and 'The one minute manager' as a cheaper substitute for the course.
'We will ensure that every minute a student spends on campus counts and the course is worth every penny the student shells out. A study amongst Q alumni revealed that their chief regret on campus was attending classes. So in the new paradigm, there will be fewer profs, fewer assignments, fewer textbooks and so on. We are also launching new specialisation streams - An MBA in deep-sea snorkeling, MBA in blog-surfing and an executive development program in solitaire are on the anvil right now', he revealed.
'The proceeds from student fees will be used to re-paint the entire campus. We might also get real professors this year and they won't come cheap. We did a study last year where we tried to gauge the students' expectation of faculty IQ-Scores and they unanimously voted in the above 100 category, which has put us in a quandary. I think the days of getting primary school dropouts to teach MBA courses are long gone' he said ruefully.
Undergrad students all over the country are still reeling at the shock that their last chance at 'two more years of doing nothing' is suddenly unaffordable. It appears that the 20% discount for the first 100 applicants will also do little to alleviate the situation.
'If we are spending that much, we might as well get a real degree na?' says Shaurabh, an MBA aspirant who has settled for copies of 'The 10-day MBA' and 'The one minute manager' as a cheaper substitute for the course.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Macrosoft buys 'older posts' from Mumbai blogger for 2 Bn$
Raj Mehta, a popular blogger, sold almost his entire blog to software giant Macrosoft for an undisclosed amount. Trade pundits put the transaction size to be around 2 billion USD.
www.randomlymumbleddeepthoughts.blogspot.com is the link where Raj blogs anonymously (until now). As per the agreement, the front page still belongs to Raj while MS owns all the archives i.e. what you get when you click 'older posts' at the bottom of the first page.
Raj is the second entrant to the billionaires' club this month after a venture capitalist picked up a stake in Sanjeev More's social network on March 3rd. Sanjeev, who is a self-proclaimed wastrel with about a 100 plus friends, sold his real life social network to Fundemall, an angel investor from Silicon Valley for a billion plus USD. 'If an online network is worth 15 billion, think of the value of my real life network', says Sanjeev - a veiled reference to Fiendster, a popular online social networking site. Ironically, his friends aren't too thrilled at the transaction and his network might be severely affected as a result. Fundemall is closely monitoring the situation.
Raj and Sanjeev are also planning to work together on their next idea - a web portal linking start up ideas to VC funds. 'We are specifically targeting what we think are bad startup ideas because these are sometimes the ones that need the most help with funding' says Sanjeev.
www.randomlymumbleddeepthoughts.blogspot.com is the link where Raj blogs anonymously (until now). As per the agreement, the front page still belongs to Raj while MS owns all the archives i.e. what you get when you click 'older posts' at the bottom of the first page.
Raj is the second entrant to the billionaires' club this month after a venture capitalist picked up a stake in Sanjeev More's social network on March 3rd. Sanjeev, who is a self-proclaimed wastrel with about a 100 plus friends, sold his real life social network to Fundemall, an angel investor from Silicon Valley for a billion plus USD. 'If an online network is worth 15 billion, think of the value of my real life network', says Sanjeev - a veiled reference to Fiendster, a popular online social networking site. Ironically, his friends aren't too thrilled at the transaction and his network might be severely affected as a result. Fundemall is closely monitoring the situation.
Raj and Sanjeev are also planning to work together on their next idea - a web portal linking start up ideas to VC funds. 'We are specifically targeting what we think are bad startup ideas because these are sometimes the ones that need the most help with funding' says Sanjeev.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Rahul Gandy kicks off 'Discovery of India' tour on Google Earth
Congress MLA Rahul Gandy today found Orissa on Google Earth leading to celebrations and firecrackers by re-energised party workers.
'This is so cool' Rahul drooled, 'I have connected to rural areas in Orissa and Bihar on Google Earth and downloaded some on to my desktop. The north eastern states will be a challenge. I have found only Burma so far' he said, in a candid low-IQ interview with Kal Thak.
President Sonya was seen heaving a sigh of relief. When Rahul had announced a tour of the Indian states, she had assumed this would be a real tour. In a press conference that had made Rahul cry, she had said 'He is so grounded. This tour will bankrupt the exchequer' she said, referring to the election funds collected by the party. She hadn't seen this low-cost alternative coming.
'I want to stay connected to the real India. But this new broadband that mommy's taken is so unreliable, I keep getting disconnected' wept Rahul.
Meanwhile, mobs were seen gathering in rural areas in Orissa to 'welcome' their hero and wave at him through the net. The hoardings and placards welcoming him are being scanned and sent to his email address as we speak, as they weren't visible on g-earth.
'I want to reform the party, especially the one we do Saturday nights. Who says we need to stop drinking at midnight (hic)?' he challenged, to much applause from party workers.
It seems like Rahul is certainly in the running to take over from his mommy at the helm
- Correspondent
'This is so cool' Rahul drooled, 'I have connected to rural areas in Orissa and Bihar on Google Earth and downloaded some on to my desktop. The north eastern states will be a challenge. I have found only Burma so far' he said, in a candid low-IQ interview with Kal Thak.
President Sonya was seen heaving a sigh of relief. When Rahul had announced a tour of the Indian states, she had assumed this would be a real tour. In a press conference that had made Rahul cry, she had said 'He is so grounded. This tour will bankrupt the exchequer' she said, referring to the election funds collected by the party. She hadn't seen this low-cost alternative coming.
'I want to stay connected to the real India. But this new broadband that mommy's taken is so unreliable, I keep getting disconnected' wept Rahul.
Meanwhile, mobs were seen gathering in rural areas in Orissa to 'welcome' their hero and wave at him through the net. The hoardings and placards welcoming him are being scanned and sent to his email address as we speak, as they weren't visible on g-earth.
'I want to reform the party, especially the one we do Saturday nights. Who says we need to stop drinking at midnight (hic)?' he challenged, to much applause from party workers.
It seems like Rahul is certainly in the running to take over from his mommy at the helm
- Correspondent
Monday, March 10, 2008
No problem with clothes - Sherly Chopraw
' I don't know what gave people the idea that I'm uncomfortable with wearing clothes on screen' Sherly fumes, ' I even wore a saree in Jab we slept'
'I'm ready to do anything the script demands. Or the director or the producer, for that matter. If heavy clothing is the way to go, I'm all for it. It's not as if I will be the first to wear clothes on screen. Even Sreedevi and Hemimalani have done it. At least I'm being open about it. My only requirement is that these shots of me in opaque clothes will have to be tastefully done'
Directors - are you listening? wink wink
-Subhas Ja for Mid-Night
'I'm ready to do anything the script demands. Or the director or the producer, for that matter. If heavy clothing is the way to go, I'm all for it. It's not as if I will be the first to wear clothes on screen. Even Sreedevi and Hemimalani have done it. At least I'm being open about it. My only requirement is that these shots of me in opaque clothes will have to be tastefully done'
Directors - are you listening? wink wink
-Subhas Ja for Mid-Night
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Vote budget regressive - Finance Minister
The Farmer Association of India (FAI) 's vote budget - 2008-09 was announced today at its annual general body meeting. This budget, to remind readers, is a broad indication of how the farmers are going to vote in the upcoming election. The salient features are as follows
Gainers :
Congress I : 2 crore votes allocated as opposed to 1.7 in 2007-08
Losers :
BJP : 3 lakh votes as opposed to 45 in 2007-08
Misra, the Finance Head of the FAI, quoted from the Bhagvad Gita, Koran and Bible liberally in his budget address- 'Tit for Tat - all the scriptures advise - and we are just following this mantra. We vote for those who help us in times of need'
The Union Finance Minister did not seem too happy with the meagre vote increase especially after announcing a bonanza for these farmers in his budget 2008-09 last month.
'I will have to say this vote budget is repressive and populist. Why the token allotment of votes to minority parties just to appease them? I'm hurt by this kind of lack of reciprocation'
Misra however, was unruffled. 'We had mentioned earlier also. We are unhappy with only past loans being waived. What about loans we need now and in the future? Who's going to pay those back?' he hollered, 'We told the Finance Minister personally about a pump set that needed repair in my house. Did he bother to do anything about it? These people remember us only during elections'
The Congress spokesperson was careful not to be too pleased ' We all know that the budget is just indicative. It does not trickle down to the common politican. Last year they promised 1.7 crore votes and then hardly anyone turned up because it was raining heavily on poll day. Also there is the corruption in between, where henchmen from other parties take a cut for allowing people to vote'
Overall, the attitude seems to be one of 'wait and watch'. The elections will have their own story to tell as always.
- Our special correspondent
Gainers :
Congress I : 2 crore votes allocated as opposed to 1.7 in 2007-08
Losers :
BJP : 3 lakh votes as opposed to 45 in 2007-08
Misra, the Finance Head of the FAI, quoted from the Bhagvad Gita, Koran and Bible liberally in his budget address- 'Tit for Tat - all the scriptures advise - and we are just following this mantra. We vote for those who help us in times of need'
The Union Finance Minister did not seem too happy with the meagre vote increase especially after announcing a bonanza for these farmers in his budget 2008-09 last month.
'I will have to say this vote budget is repressive and populist. Why the token allotment of votes to minority parties just to appease them? I'm hurt by this kind of lack of reciprocation'
Misra however, was unruffled. 'We had mentioned earlier also. We are unhappy with only past loans being waived. What about loans we need now and in the future? Who's going to pay those back?' he hollered, 'We told the Finance Minister personally about a pump set that needed repair in my house. Did he bother to do anything about it? These people remember us only during elections'
The Congress spokesperson was careful not to be too pleased ' We all know that the budget is just indicative. It does not trickle down to the common politican. Last year they promised 1.7 crore votes and then hardly anyone turned up because it was raining heavily on poll day. Also there is the corruption in between, where henchmen from other parties take a cut for allowing people to vote'
Overall, the attitude seems to be one of 'wait and watch'. The elections will have their own story to tell as always.
- Our special correspondent
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Over-descriptive author almost sued for wasting readers' time
When crime-writer Jeffrey Biggins woke up Sunday morning, he would have hardly expected to be sued. Sunday to him meant a day of relaxation, a day of lazing around by his indoor pool, which was a shiny blue, a not-so-much-of-a-contrast against the white-blue early morning sky. For Biggins, the day began like any other Sunday, and he woke up and looked down at his beak-like nose and whatever else he could see of his face. At 45, Biggins still could pass for a 43-year old and his jet black hair made it impossible for one to guess his age, unless you looked at the skin behind his ears or something. His deep green-grey eyes were quick to miss a trick and were embellished by his black bushy eyebrows. He was not what one could call handsome but he did have that unmistakable quality of non-handsomeness about him. Biggins let out a low whistle for no apparent reason.
Little did he know what news the mail would bring him that Sunday. He changed to a double breasted suit, from his white-yellow pajamas with blue stripes, which were black near the feet due to differential rates of washing by the new washing machine that he had purchased recently. The steel grey washing machine shone in the morning sun, a symbol of the sweeping changes in his life. Not bad for someone who did not have a washing machine before buying one, thought Biggins- a slap in the face of those who ridiculed new washing machine buyers. He smiled wryly at the thought
Biggins' mail took a different route that Sunday, via 24th street, cutting across to 15th, down two blocks, then a left and there it was, at Biggins' doorstep. Biggins shivered out of context, as the icy cold breeze did not actually blow into his bedroom through the tightly shut windows. These windows were a crimson red, in stark contrast to his skin colour which was a lighter shade. It was a symbol of an era gone by, of technology, weird architecture, tectonic and sociological changes, and intolerably bad music. Biggins smiled wryly for the second time in a couple of minutes.
He proceeded to open his fan mail; in particular, a letter that was written on a glistening white sheet of paper with startling orange borders. It was an unpleasant letter from a reader who threatened to sue him for 'never getting to the point and getting mixed up in verbose irrelevant descriptions' in all his novels. She claimed to have spent over 5 hours reading the first chapter of his latest offering 'Death on page 978' and wanted those hours refunded as soon as possible. Biggins grinned toothily, a luxury he allowed himself when his wryness dried up. He made a mental note to respond to this reader. This reader no doubt was a middle-aged woman with strong jaws, a sharp eagle-like nose, and green-black eyes, Biggins surmised with absolutely no basis. This woman would not be attractive in the conventional sense, but there would be that quality of unmistakableness about her, which would have drawn many men to her in her life. For a fleeting moment, Biggins could identify with what she had been through.
He made himself a cup of steaming hot coffee which scalded the crap out of his mouth. This Sunday was going to be different, he thought as he laughed noiselessly and looked at his beak-nose at a different angle this time, in the reflection on the coffeemaker's silver surface, which glistened in the late morning sun.
- Our special correspondent
Monday, March 3, 2008
Tehelga unearths fake celebrations scam
In the wake of the Indian team's victory in the under-13 Asian Kabaddi championships, a Tehelga probe might just have unearthed a diabolical media scandal. If they are to be believed, the boisterous pan-India celebrations that were telecast hour-on-hour by NCBC, Kal Thak and Soni-News last week had one thing in common - they never took place.
"I suspected something fishy because both the reporter and the crowd were talking in very general terms. 'Aapko kaisa lag raha hai' and 'khushiyan manaane ka samay hai' in reply. And I also thought I recognised a long-haired drunk chap from this year's Ganesh Chaturti celebrations telecast on the same channel" says Pal, co-editor of Tehelga.
This suspicion prompted Pal to put in place a team to analyse various news videos of boisterous celebrations and 'people taking to the streets' across channels. The team tabled a report in three days with explosive findings
- The top three news channels have been using the same scenes of celebration for the last 6 years. Kal thak has used one video a record 28 times, for Ganesh Chaturthi 03-08, Diwali 04-08, 15 cricket victories including the 20-20 world cup, the Om Shanti Om silver jubilee function and Mayawata's victory in the 2007 assembly elections.
- The said video was shot with junior artistes in Goregaon Film City at a cost of 3 lakhs in 2002.
- Aforementioned long haired drunk was caught in Komal Bar and admitted to accepting a payment of Rs 10 every time his drunken dance was telecast by Kal Thak. He has made a tax-free Rs 100 in the last year alone.
This blog got in touch with a senior executive of one of these channels and he had this to say, strictly off the record : 'We can't be running around covering various jobless people shouting and celebrating. We did a study in 1999 which found that drunken revelries were 98% similar irrespective of the occasion the drunks were celebrating. Let's say we do the real thing - get our city correspondent to chase down these celebrating idiots everytime something happens. Do you know how much it would cost us? When Sunita William's son passed 3rd grade for instance, Bombay went absolutely nuts in joy. It's not safe for us to go around interviewing mad crowds, leave alone the cost. So we make do with what we have. How does it make a difference?'
This begs the question to be asked - if India in fact does not care, would you still like to see reruns of the long haired drunk dancing with his co-goons? Tell us what you think.
"I suspected something fishy because both the reporter and the crowd were talking in very general terms. 'Aapko kaisa lag raha hai' and 'khushiyan manaane ka samay hai' in reply. And I also thought I recognised a long-haired drunk chap from this year's Ganesh Chaturti celebrations telecast on the same channel" says Pal, co-editor of Tehelga.
This suspicion prompted Pal to put in place a team to analyse various news videos of boisterous celebrations and 'people taking to the streets' across channels. The team tabled a report in three days with explosive findings
- The top three news channels have been using the same scenes of celebration for the last 6 years. Kal thak has used one video a record 28 times, for Ganesh Chaturthi 03-08, Diwali 04-08, 15 cricket victories including the 20-20 world cup, the Om Shanti Om silver jubilee function and Mayawata's victory in the 2007 assembly elections.
- The said video was shot with junior artistes in Goregaon Film City at a cost of 3 lakhs in 2002.
- Aforementioned long haired drunk was caught in Komal Bar and admitted to accepting a payment of Rs 10 every time his drunken dance was telecast by Kal Thak. He has made a tax-free Rs 100 in the last year alone.
This blog got in touch with a senior executive of one of these channels and he had this to say, strictly off the record : 'We can't be running around covering various jobless people shouting and celebrating. We did a study in 1999 which found that drunken revelries were 98% similar irrespective of the occasion the drunks were celebrating. Let's say we do the real thing - get our city correspondent to chase down these celebrating idiots everytime something happens. Do you know how much it would cost us? When Sunita William's son passed 3rd grade for instance, Bombay went absolutely nuts in joy. It's not safe for us to go around interviewing mad crowds, leave alone the cost. So we make do with what we have. How does it make a difference?'
This begs the question to be asked - if India in fact does not care, would you still like to see reruns of the long haired drunk dancing with his co-goons? Tell us what you think.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Sachan half-century auctions for 1 mn $ : Has to win match - says SRKK
The unfolding IPL drama took a new turn today as the next phase of auctions began - the bids for individual performances. The cricketers laughed all the way to the bank as bids touched unprecedented levels. Leading the pack was veteran brand endorser Sachan Gundulkar who made a cool 1 million USD for hitting a half-century in the upcoming one day match against the Chennai Chamelis, to be played next Tuesday.
SRKK who owns the team was visibly in a grumpy mood in the auction and threatened some reporters with the six-pack that he carries to work these days even when not shooting for a movie. Times Correspondent Sheeba caught up with him however, for a brief chat.
"I had no idea I would have to buy out these performances. For the match this Tuesday, I have bought a Sachan 50, two third-umpire not-out decisions, and four crowd jeers of 'monkey' aimed at Symands when he is in the outfield. That's not enough to win the match, is it?"
The bids for wrong umpiring decisions shot up as the day progressed and the two sides led by SRKK and Malia were caught in a shouting match. SRKK bought a Sachan 50 for 1 mn USD but Malia shot back by buying a Fucknor decision to give Sachan out 'lbw' in the 2nd over. After heated negotiations chaired by starlet Bandira and Adul Wassan, who, to remind readers, started his cricket career directly in the commentary room, the bidding teams decided to concede a Sachan 50 in exchange for a cheap exit for Sehwaj for a paltry 8 runs.
The only man to gain from this arrangement was Sehwaj, who expected to get out at 5 and the additional 3 runs were an 'unekchpected bonanja' in the words of his relative.
SRKK, under advice from his lawyers, asked for a re-wording of the agreement, adding a clause binding Sachan to make a match-winning half-century, keeping in mind Sachan's recent strike rate of a run every 8 balls.
"I don't care. Cricket is a team game. I think we are thinking too much. We should all just go out there and try as a team to get me my 50!" said Sachan, slamming his critics.
In an unsurprising turn of events, Kumbli's 5 wicket haul was underbid by many times and the reserve price had to be reduced to 20 USD and this performance was bought by his brother, who has approached State Bank of Carnataka for a bridge loan to fund this purchase.
Adding to the drama were demonstrations by Green Cross, an NGO that has espoused the cause of wild life in Asia. Sunida who led the dharna, in a press release, said: 'The attitude of everyone, especially stupid little kids, has seen a paradigm shift ever since Symands was called a blue bison by Bajji. You should see these little brats at the zoo and at the national park, throwing things at blue bisons and shouting 'S y m a n d s ...Symands'.
Further confusion ensued as SRKK got delayed for his dance performance in the parliament as part of the Union Budget '09 session, which has become a regular feature of budget sessions over the last few years. The session had to be postponed by a day as a result.
"No point announcing the Budget today when nobody's going to watch it" said a morose Finance Minister. "Soni TV is telecasting Mohabbatein.v2 with two new Aiswaryarai facial expressions and Saharaa is playing Junoon reruns - who can compete with that? We really needed SRKK to boost TRPs. We are not happy. This year only cheque payment for SRKK- no 100 rupee notes will be flung at him when he dances in the parliament tomorrow", he boomed.
A bad day for SRKK but he is not KKing KKhan for nothing - watch this space.
- Our special correspondent
SRKK who owns the team was visibly in a grumpy mood in the auction and threatened some reporters with the six-pack that he carries to work these days even when not shooting for a movie. Times Correspondent Sheeba caught up with him however, for a brief chat.
"I had no idea I would have to buy out these performances. For the match this Tuesday, I have bought a Sachan 50, two third-umpire not-out decisions, and four crowd jeers of 'monkey' aimed at Symands when he is in the outfield. That's not enough to win the match, is it?"
The bids for wrong umpiring decisions shot up as the day progressed and the two sides led by SRKK and Malia were caught in a shouting match. SRKK bought a Sachan 50 for 1 mn USD but Malia shot back by buying a Fucknor decision to give Sachan out 'lbw' in the 2nd over. After heated negotiations chaired by starlet Bandira and Adul Wassan, who, to remind readers, started his cricket career directly in the commentary room, the bidding teams decided to concede a Sachan 50 in exchange for a cheap exit for Sehwaj for a paltry 8 runs.
The only man to gain from this arrangement was Sehwaj, who expected to get out at 5 and the additional 3 runs were an 'unekchpected bonanja' in the words of his relative.
SRKK, under advice from his lawyers, asked for a re-wording of the agreement, adding a clause binding Sachan to make a match-winning half-century, keeping in mind Sachan's recent strike rate of a run every 8 balls.
"I don't care. Cricket is a team game. I think we are thinking too much. We should all just go out there and try as a team to get me my 50!" said Sachan, slamming his critics.
In an unsurprising turn of events, Kumbli's 5 wicket haul was underbid by many times and the reserve price had to be reduced to 20 USD and this performance was bought by his brother, who has approached State Bank of Carnataka for a bridge loan to fund this purchase.
Adding to the drama were demonstrations by Green Cross, an NGO that has espoused the cause of wild life in Asia. Sunida who led the dharna, in a press release, said: 'The attitude of everyone, especially stupid little kids, has seen a paradigm shift ever since Symands was called a blue bison by Bajji. You should see these little brats at the zoo and at the national park, throwing things at blue bisons and shouting 'S y m a n d s ...Symands'.
Further confusion ensued as SRKK got delayed for his dance performance in the parliament as part of the Union Budget '09 session, which has become a regular feature of budget sessions over the last few years. The session had to be postponed by a day as a result.
"No point announcing the Budget today when nobody's going to watch it" said a morose Finance Minister. "Soni TV is telecasting Mohabbatein.v2 with two new Aiswaryarai facial expressions and Saharaa is playing Junoon reruns - who can compete with that? We really needed SRKK to boost TRPs. We are not happy. This year only cheque payment for SRKK- no 100 rupee notes will be flung at him when he dances in the parliament tomorrow", he boomed.
A bad day for SRKK but he is not KKing KKhan for nothing - watch this space.
- Our special correspondent
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Go back to Dadar West : LTDE
City life was disrupted today as LTDE (Liberation Tigers of Dadar East) chased away unsuspecting Dadar-West'ites from their offices in Dadar-East. 23 were reported injured, none seriously.
Anyone who had shifted to Dadar-East from West in the last 2 months, as well as those who stayed in West but worked in East constituted the group that the riotous LTDE targeted.
'These West people are taking our jobs. We also have mouths to feed', said Naresh, who does not remember what he used to do before taking up rioting full time for the LTDE
The tigers also staged a rally in protest against film star Bachpan buying a Nano from a Bandra Showroom for his grandson Gabbar . ' Has he forgotten the days when he used to eat at an Udipi in Dadar on the way to Goregaon?' an LTDE source asked.
The LTDE has submitted a detailed document to Bachpan marking out the areas he can operate in. An unidentified LTDE source gave us a sneak preview of this document - 'It just makes Bachpan's life easier and more organised. He needs to buy milk at Kolaba (because Sholay ran for 200 days in Regal), bread at Dadar, have a quick coffee at Thane and then do a loo break in Malad. He has requested for the last venue to be shifted because he can't hold back for that long and our apex committee is considering this request.
We have also given him clear direction on developmental work. He needs to set up a school in Goregaon west, where his kids studied, and a hospital in Andheri. We are thinking of giving him a tourist visa to Bandra because he has some relatives there'
The LTDE has re-sent the application to the President appealing for Dadar East to be recognised as a separate state after she rejected the first appeal on the grounds that the work of the President's office would increase with proliferation of states.
In another story, Times of India's 'Dadar Poised' campaign also came in for criticism from the party lead. TOI's much hyped ad with Bachpan proclaiming ' Ek Dadar upar dekh raha hai aur udne ki soch raha hai. Doosra neeche dekhke koodhne ki soch raha hai.' wasn't treated lightly by Dadar East residents who thought the two Dadars he was talking about referred to East and West.
Shivaji Park Association meanwhile reached an amicable solution of splitting the ground into 50 badminton courts thereby ending a 5 year struggle for space among the surrounding suburbs.
Given the spurt in activity and with Valentine's Day coming up, LTDE has stepped up recruitment of young rioters. 'We are looking to source from outside the country too, in fact a recruitment team has been dispatched just yesterday to scout for talent in UP and Bihar.' the source said.
-----------------------
Anyone who had shifted to Dadar-East from West in the last 2 months, as well as those who stayed in West but worked in East constituted the group that the riotous LTDE targeted.
'These West people are taking our jobs. We also have mouths to feed', said Naresh, who does not remember what he used to do before taking up rioting full time for the LTDE
The tigers also staged a rally in protest against film star Bachpan buying a Nano from a Bandra Showroom for his grandson Gabbar . ' Has he forgotten the days when he used to eat at an Udipi in Dadar on the way to Goregaon?' an LTDE source asked.
The LTDE has submitted a detailed document to Bachpan marking out the areas he can operate in. An unidentified LTDE source gave us a sneak preview of this document - 'It just makes Bachpan's life easier and more organised. He needs to buy milk at Kolaba (because Sholay ran for 200 days in Regal), bread at Dadar, have a quick coffee at Thane and then do a loo break in Malad. He has requested for the last venue to be shifted because he can't hold back for that long and our apex committee is considering this request.
We have also given him clear direction on developmental work. He needs to set up a school in Goregaon west, where his kids studied, and a hospital in Andheri. We are thinking of giving him a tourist visa to Bandra because he has some relatives there'
The LTDE has re-sent the application to the President appealing for Dadar East to be recognised as a separate state after she rejected the first appeal on the grounds that the work of the President's office would increase with proliferation of states.
In another story, Times of India's 'Dadar Poised' campaign also came in for criticism from the party lead. TOI's much hyped ad with Bachpan proclaiming ' Ek Dadar upar dekh raha hai aur udne ki soch raha hai. Doosra neeche dekhke koodhne ki soch raha hai.' wasn't treated lightly by Dadar East residents who thought the two Dadars he was talking about referred to East and West.
Shivaji Park Association meanwhile reached an amicable solution of splitting the ground into 50 badminton courts thereby ending a 5 year struggle for space among the surrounding suburbs.
Given the spurt in activity and with Valentine's Day coming up, LTDE has stepped up recruitment of young rioters. 'We are looking to source from outside the country too, in fact a recruitment team has been dispatched just yesterday to scout for talent in UP and Bihar.' the source said.
-----------------------
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Follow-up
"Hello. Is this XYZ? I have a note to be sent across to you"
"Email me. My mail id is..."
"I have your email address. I thought I'd just call and let you know so that you can, you know, expect a note from me..."
My outlook express and I now eagerly anticipate the receipt of the said note.
"Ok, cool."
--------
"Hello. Hi. I just called to say I have sent the email, you should be receiving it shortly. Would you go through it when you receive it?"
Not really. I usually translate it to Chinese, print it out and then shred it.
"Ok"
--------
Email arrives with pop-up at bottom right corner of laptop screen.
"Hello. Hi. I got a 'read' receipt from your account. So you must have opened the email. I just called to reconfirm"
These read receipts are rarely wrong.
"Yes, I have received it"
"Oh Ok Cool. You can go through it and let me know if you have any queries"
My first query would be about your parentagal legitimacy.
Email #2 arrives.
"As per telecon, please go through previous email and let me know if you have any queries
Regards"
Do NOT call to check about Email#2 or I'll call the police.
--------
"Hello. I called to check if you had the time to go through the note I sent you yesterday"
I had the time but I did not go through the note you sent yesterday.
"No"
"Oh Ok. let me know when you do"
Would you like an email or a phone call or, let me guess, BOTH?
"Ok"
--------
SMS at 10 pm. "cd u go thru the eml i snt u. gd day."
Mobile number busted. Hell beckons.
Email #3 : "Any luck with the note yet? Regards "
I need a gun.
--------
"Hi. It's been three days since I sent you that email"
You don't say. Feels like three and a half.
"Yes. I'm on it"
"Shall I call back in half an hour or one hour?"
Gun
"I'll call you as soon as I read it"
"Ok"
He's going to call in half an hour.
SMS : Dnt want 2 trbl u. ne luck wth my eml?
That does it.
Inbox -> delete email without reading.
"I read it and I'm not interested at present"
"Oh. Ok. Thanks for your time"
Not really. It just took 3 seconds.
"No problem"
"Can you reply to that email saying this? It's for our records"
Uh Oh. Why do I keep emptying the 'deleted items' folder?
"There is some problem with the server. I seem to have lost the message"
"No problem. I'll re-send it"
"Yes"
Noooooo. Too late.
"Hello. Hi. I called to say I'm re-sending the message. You should be getting it any minute now"
--------
"Email me. My mail id is..."
"I have your email address. I thought I'd just call and let you know so that you can, you know, expect a note from me..."
My outlook express and I now eagerly anticipate the receipt of the said note.
"Ok, cool."
--------
"Hello. Hi. I just called to say I have sent the email, you should be receiving it shortly. Would you go through it when you receive it?"
Not really. I usually translate it to Chinese, print it out and then shred it.
"Ok"
--------
Email arrives with pop-up at bottom right corner of laptop screen.
"Hello. Hi. I got a 'read' receipt from your account. So you must have opened the email. I just called to reconfirm"
These read receipts are rarely wrong.
"Yes, I have received it"
"Oh Ok Cool. You can go through it and let me know if you have any queries"
My first query would be about your parentagal legitimacy.
Email #2 arrives.
"As per telecon, please go through previous email and let me know if you have any queries
Regards"
Do NOT call to check about Email#2 or I'll call the police.
--------
"Hello. I called to check if you had the time to go through the note I sent you yesterday"
I had the time but I did not go through the note you sent yesterday.
"No"
"Oh Ok. let me know when you do"
Would you like an email or a phone call or, let me guess, BOTH?
"Ok"
--------
SMS at 10 pm. "cd u go thru the eml i snt u. gd day."
Mobile number busted. Hell beckons.
Email #3 : "Any luck with the note yet? Regards "
I need a gun.
--------
"Hi. It's been three days since I sent you that email"
You don't say. Feels like three and a half.
"Yes. I'm on it"
"Shall I call back in half an hour or one hour?"
Gun
"I'll call you as soon as I read it"
"Ok"
He's going to call in half an hour.
SMS : Dnt want 2 trbl u. ne luck wth my eml?
That does it.
Inbox -> delete email without reading.
"I read it and I'm not interested at present"
"Oh. Ok. Thanks for your time"
Not really. It just took 3 seconds.
"No problem"
"Can you reply to that email saying this? It's for our records"
Uh Oh. Why do I keep emptying the 'deleted items' folder?
"There is some problem with the server. I seem to have lost the message"
"No problem. I'll re-send it"
"Yes"
Noooooo. Too late.
"Hello. Hi. I called to say I'm re-sending the message. You should be getting it any minute now"
--------
Thursday, January 24, 2008
CEBI to float Sane-sex
The stock market tanked further today to an all-time low of 2000 triggering a special message from Finance Minister, Thangamuthu.
'Good time to sell and book losses', he advised the nation, 'all economics is behavioural'
Previously gung-ho MNC CEO's have been seen to change their stance repeatedly, from 'We are going to invest heavily in India' to 'We are looking very seriously at India' to 'India is very important to us' to 'In fact, India is a personal favourite for my annual vacation'.
Amidst this crisis, CEBI has taken a stand that an alternate stock exchange would be launched, dubbed the 'sane-sex' which would be purely based on fundamentals.
However, not all can invest.
CEBI proposes a tough screening procedure for retail investors starting with a screening test in quantitative finance, which is supposedly modelled on the Joint Entrance Test for entry into the IITs.
The screening then proceeds to a psychometric analysis of the investor and a certification from select psychiatrists. This is followed by the main exam which has sections on Fed rates and the world economy. The last step towards buying shares of company X is a personal interview of the candidate where he/she answers questions on company X's financials and projected cash flows.
The last stage is relatively easier for the Ambani companies where anyone who knows the chairman's father's full name is deemed to have passed.
To become a day trader or a derivatives trader, an investor has to take one more test on partial differential and stochastic calculus.
The launch of this exchange, originally slated for this Friday, has been postponed by a month. Inside sources tell us that CEBI ran a simulation with 2000 'sane' investors and watched the market crash even faster than the regular stock market. Trading had to be stopped just one hour into operation.
'There are no fundamentals, seemingly' CEBI Chairman added, in a philosophical vein, 'but we have asked the blue chips to take the lead in figuring out where and what their fundamentals are'
- Our special correspondent
'Good time to sell and book losses', he advised the nation, 'all economics is behavioural'
Previously gung-ho MNC CEO's have been seen to change their stance repeatedly, from 'We are going to invest heavily in India' to 'We are looking very seriously at India' to 'India is very important to us' to 'In fact, India is a personal favourite for my annual vacation'.
Amidst this crisis, CEBI has taken a stand that an alternate stock exchange would be launched, dubbed the 'sane-sex' which would be purely based on fundamentals.
However, not all can invest.
CEBI proposes a tough screening procedure for retail investors starting with a screening test in quantitative finance, which is supposedly modelled on the Joint Entrance Test for entry into the IITs.
The screening then proceeds to a psychometric analysis of the investor and a certification from select psychiatrists. This is followed by the main exam which has sections on Fed rates and the world economy. The last step towards buying shares of company X is a personal interview of the candidate where he/she answers questions on company X's financials and projected cash flows.
The last stage is relatively easier for the Ambani companies where anyone who knows the chairman's father's full name is deemed to have passed.
To become a day trader or a derivatives trader, an investor has to take one more test on partial differential and stochastic calculus.
The launch of this exchange, originally slated for this Friday, has been postponed by a month. Inside sources tell us that CEBI ran a simulation with 2000 'sane' investors and watched the market crash even faster than the regular stock market. Trading had to be stopped just one hour into operation.
'There are no fundamentals, seemingly' CEBI Chairman added, in a philosophical vein, 'but we have asked the blue chips to take the lead in figuring out where and what their fundamentals are'
- Our special correspondent
Sunday, January 20, 2008
barriers break when...
November, 2007
Dear MD (Airtel),
We are a small ad agency in London and one of our creative directors accidentally downloaded a video of two kids playing football in Afghanistan. Since there is a football in the footage and both kids are wearing some sort of footgear, we pitched very hard to both Nike and Adidas but were shown the door on the grounds that neither of the kids resemble Ronaldinho and hence could not be shown growing up to a Ronaldinho in the course of the ad.
I asked my team to scout for irrelevant ad-making firms in India and you will be delighted to know that Airtel was the first name that came up.
I have seen all your ads and I have to say that the only jarring aspect of the ad is its subtlety, ironically. What I'm trying to say is that I still had no idea what the product was after watching those ads. I did some research online to find out, though and am now familiar with your offering.
We can quickly convert this raw footage into an Airtel ad by adding your background score. We downloaded this tune from Kabul prison archives where we figured this would be used, along with Eminem's latest, to torture prisoners through repeated listening. It is quite pleasant at first hearing, I must add.
In compliance with your censorship guidelines, we have deleted the graphic footage of what happens to the kids when the border guard finds out. Also the cellphone scenes have been deleted so as to not dilute the brand message.
I spoke to your Marketing Head with this idea and listened to an earful from him about my audacity and about how I should run my business. We are a small firm and we cannot afford to antagonise a firm as big as yours. I think it's important that you intervene and we discuss this face to face, because as they say, careers shake when people balk!
Yours
------
Dear MD (Airtel),
We are a small ad agency in London and one of our creative directors accidentally downloaded a video of two kids playing football in Afghanistan. Since there is a football in the footage and both kids are wearing some sort of footgear, we pitched very hard to both Nike and Adidas but were shown the door on the grounds that neither of the kids resemble Ronaldinho and hence could not be shown growing up to a Ronaldinho in the course of the ad.
I asked my team to scout for irrelevant ad-making firms in India and you will be delighted to know that Airtel was the first name that came up.
I have seen all your ads and I have to say that the only jarring aspect of the ad is its subtlety, ironically. What I'm trying to say is that I still had no idea what the product was after watching those ads. I did some research online to find out, though and am now familiar with your offering.
We can quickly convert this raw footage into an Airtel ad by adding your background score. We downloaded this tune from Kabul prison archives where we figured this would be used, along with Eminem's latest, to torture prisoners through repeated listening. It is quite pleasant at first hearing, I must add.
In compliance with your censorship guidelines, we have deleted the graphic footage of what happens to the kids when the border guard finds out. Also the cellphone scenes have been deleted so as to not dilute the brand message.
I spoke to your Marketing Head with this idea and listened to an earful from him about my audacity and about how I should run my business. We are a small firm and we cannot afford to antagonise a firm as big as yours. I think it's important that you intervene and we discuss this face to face, because as they say, careers shake when people balk!
Yours
------
Friday, January 11, 2008
Ladies and Gentlemen, Class of 2020
I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in this locality and the one closest to the international airport.
I made a promise to myself today morning.
That I would finish sending out a couple of work-related emails before coming here, which I have done. So we can begin.
Today I wish to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. Three stories. Or four. Or five, max. That's it. Five stories. Or six. Maybe seven if we have time. Seven stories. Ok let's settle at seven.
The first is about change. Change is inevitable, it's a life-force. It crops up when you least expect it and when left untreated, can be fatal. Oops. I'm sorry - that's malaria, which is a part of my third story about death.
Anyway, this story goes back to my campus days here, when we had non-stop mind-numbingly boring lectures as I'm sure you all have had. My most vivid memories are of the canteen where we spent hour after hour, in a heady mix of boredom and curiousity as to what might be going on in the classroom. In a sudden burst of proactiveness, I asked the canteen contractor to change the menu. He asked me to go die, thereby losing a regular customer. Change or perish, that was the lesson I hoped to teach him. After that day, I remember, every time I passed the canteen counter with its incredibly delicious-smelling samosas and maggi, I kept chanting to myself 'stay hungry, stay foolish'.
College is really more about small incidents like the one I just narrated, than the textbooks and the porn, the multiple failed relationships, the arrests and so on.
My second story is about bitching. The prof who taught us Human Resources, Dr. Bhargav - is he still around? - was the worst ever prof in the whole frikkin' world. It's not much of a story I know but he was really really bad.
Then there's the one about courage. The degree that you hold in your hand will ensure that you will never be struggling for a livelihood. That doesn't mean you can go around passing the time or experimenting with your career. You can't be a pilot or a cricketer. Go sell soap and fight for your annual increment like everyone else. Marry someone-anyone, have kids, push them hard and be a part of the cycle. Sometimes you need moral courage to be able to do what everyone else is doing. Follow the herd. What are the chances that your individual gut is right amidst a gazillion people who are doing something else. Build the courage to ignore your instinct. Look at yourself in the mirror. Or Not. Whatever works.
My next story is about equity and growth. I think the Sensex will touch 35K atleast. Invest most of what you've got in equity and party hard with the rest.
Then there is this story about what one of you asked me during the tea session - the meaning of success. Now conventional success being as difficult as it is, I think it's prudent to define success in various unique personal ways so as to not feel like a failure. Today I brushed my teeth without falling asleep, for instance.
My last story is about values. When you appear for campus placements, I urge you to find a job that is aligned to your core value. I remember I valued myself at approx 10 lakh post tax during my campus placements and I found a company in alignment to this ask.
While campus life and the academics you have encountered here will have absolutely no relation to your work or life going forward, I'm certain that this college has prepared you well for the real world outside. In the sense that your future in the real world will feel like all those times you walked into a class completely unprepared with no frikkin' clue about what's going on. I wish you all fulfilment and happiness
-------------
I made a promise to myself today morning.
That I would finish sending out a couple of work-related emails before coming here, which I have done. So we can begin.
Today I wish to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. Three stories. Or four. Or five, max. That's it. Five stories. Or six. Maybe seven if we have time. Seven stories. Ok let's settle at seven.
The first is about change. Change is inevitable, it's a life-force. It crops up when you least expect it and when left untreated, can be fatal. Oops. I'm sorry - that's malaria, which is a part of my third story about death.
Anyway, this story goes back to my campus days here, when we had non-stop mind-numbingly boring lectures as I'm sure you all have had. My most vivid memories are of the canteen where we spent hour after hour, in a heady mix of boredom and curiousity as to what might be going on in the classroom. In a sudden burst of proactiveness, I asked the canteen contractor to change the menu. He asked me to go die, thereby losing a regular customer. Change or perish, that was the lesson I hoped to teach him. After that day, I remember, every time I passed the canteen counter with its incredibly delicious-smelling samosas and maggi, I kept chanting to myself 'stay hungry, stay foolish'.
College is really more about small incidents like the one I just narrated, than the textbooks and the porn, the multiple failed relationships, the arrests and so on.
My second story is about bitching. The prof who taught us Human Resources, Dr. Bhargav - is he still around? - was the worst ever prof in the whole frikkin' world. It's not much of a story I know but he was really really bad.
Then there's the one about courage. The degree that you hold in your hand will ensure that you will never be struggling for a livelihood. That doesn't mean you can go around passing the time or experimenting with your career. You can't be a pilot or a cricketer. Go sell soap and fight for your annual increment like everyone else. Marry someone-anyone, have kids, push them hard and be a part of the cycle. Sometimes you need moral courage to be able to do what everyone else is doing. Follow the herd. What are the chances that your individual gut is right amidst a gazillion people who are doing something else. Build the courage to ignore your instinct. Look at yourself in the mirror. Or Not. Whatever works.
My next story is about equity and growth. I think the Sensex will touch 35K atleast. Invest most of what you've got in equity and party hard with the rest.
Then there is this story about what one of you asked me during the tea session - the meaning of success. Now conventional success being as difficult as it is, I think it's prudent to define success in various unique personal ways so as to not feel like a failure. Today I brushed my teeth without falling asleep, for instance.
My last story is about values. When you appear for campus placements, I urge you to find a job that is aligned to your core value. I remember I valued myself at approx 10 lakh post tax during my campus placements and I found a company in alignment to this ask.
While campus life and the academics you have encountered here will have absolutely no relation to your work or life going forward, I'm certain that this college has prepared you well for the real world outside. In the sense that your future in the real world will feel like all those times you walked into a class completely unprepared with no frikkin' clue about what's going on. I wish you all fulfilment and happiness
-------------
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Joda Acbar not a sequel to Dhoom-II : Bowariker
This blog decided to give director Bowariker*, who is upset over industry reactions to his upcoming movie, a chance to set the record straight :
------------------------------------------------
I don't know where these rumours are coming from. I think the promo of the movie may have sparked off the rumour mills, so we are re-working the look and feel aspects. A reporter called me on my cell phone and asked me if Joda Acbar was a sequel to Dhoom-II, given the very contemporary look of the sets in the trailer. I was so offended that I didn't even bother replying.
Then there is the rumour that the elephant that Hrithik is seen fighting (or irritating, as some reviewer said) is, in fact, Abhisheg Bachhan. And further, that Joda Acbar is a part of the Bachhan Home video series and comes in a 4 dvd set along with Guru and Umrao Jan and Dhoom-II. I must say these rumour mongers have a vivid imagination, although I admit the elephant's role was first offered to Abhi but he couldn't lose weight in time for the shoot.
The last straw was when this reporter asked me if the rumour that this movie is based on a historical figure was true. What can you say? All the hours I put in researching my son's 3rd standard CBSE Social Science Textbook seem to have come to nothing. I still remember how happy I was when I was inspired to make this movie while watching Mughal E Azam. The question that kept me awake that night was ' What happens if you take these strong characters from the history textbook and put them in a crappy movie instead of a classic?' Maybe I should have just tried harder to sleep that night.
------------------------------------------------
*Bowariker is a young director who has made a landmark movie for which he will always be remembered in Bollywood. But after 'Baazi', the ride has been slightly downhill.
------------------------------------------------
I don't know where these rumours are coming from. I think the promo of the movie may have sparked off the rumour mills, so we are re-working the look and feel aspects. A reporter called me on my cell phone and asked me if Joda Acbar was a sequel to Dhoom-II, given the very contemporary look of the sets in the trailer. I was so offended that I didn't even bother replying.
Then there is the rumour that the elephant that Hrithik is seen fighting (or irritating, as some reviewer said) is, in fact, Abhisheg Bachhan. And further, that Joda Acbar is a part of the Bachhan Home video series and comes in a 4 dvd set along with Guru and Umrao Jan and Dhoom-II. I must say these rumour mongers have a vivid imagination, although I admit the elephant's role was first offered to Abhi but he couldn't lose weight in time for the shoot.
The last straw was when this reporter asked me if the rumour that this movie is based on a historical figure was true. What can you say? All the hours I put in researching my son's 3rd standard CBSE Social Science Textbook seem to have come to nothing. I still remember how happy I was when I was inspired to make this movie while watching Mughal E Azam. The question that kept me awake that night was ' What happens if you take these strong characters from the history textbook and put them in a crappy movie instead of a classic?' Maybe I should have just tried harder to sleep that night.
------------------------------------------------
*Bowariker is a young director who has made a landmark movie for which he will always be remembered in Bollywood. But after 'Baazi', the ride has been slightly downhill.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Mumbai unsafe for molesters - a special report
Mumbai - Saturday, January 30, 2010
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'It is no longer possible to walk on the streets without coming across a woman dressed in jeans and modern clothing', says Lalla, head of the youth wing of the local Molesters union, Juhu.
'And when we actually do something about it, we get shouted at, arrested, interrogated. All for what? There are some days when I feel like quitting. The joy of my work seems to have disappeared', adds a visibly dejected Lalla.
He is not alone. Molesters all over Mumbai are up in arms. 'It all started with the New year's eve incident', Lalla recalls. He is referring to the ugly incident on Dec 31, 2009, when two women escalated a relatively simple molestation case to the police. 'To all those who think this is fair, I ask a simple question', he adds, 'Was this rape? I agree that they are from abroad and do not know that this is how things work here. But after I explained the circumstances, they should have revoked their complaint.'
The women's audacious move has come in for widespread criticism in various circles, including the police department itself. 'As if we don't have enough cases already', sighs an overworked woman cop in Juhu.
While this is brewing in Juhu, a parallel extremist 'women's lib' movement has raised its head in Dadar and has actually come out openly in support of the two women complainants. The members hurl abuses at the molesters in the streets and sometimes even stone them. 'I find their language and tone very offensive. Is this really the educated 'liberal' young woman who is going to lead the country into the future? It's natural for the receiver herself to be sore after the incident, but what are these other girls yelling about?' Lalla fumes.
'And the police seems to be turning a blind eye to these violent ladies. They have done nothing to protect us. It is sad that a city which was once known as the safe haven for molesters all over is going down this dangerous path' warns Lalla.
The statistics are there for all to see. A Mumbai Molester on an average gets stoned every 3 days, and verbally abused every 45 minutes. While the downward trend itself is encouraging (These numbers were 1.5 days and 30 minutes in 2008, showing that the average Mumbaikar is now maturing to accept this as a part of Mumbai life), the numbers are still the worst across Indian metros, except Delhi. All that can be said at this point is that the judge on this case will have a lot on his mind when the matter comes up on Monday.
- Our special correspondent
PS: Apologies to 'the onion' for the shameless plagiarism.
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'It is no longer possible to walk on the streets without coming across a woman dressed in jeans and modern clothing', says Lalla, head of the youth wing of the local Molesters union, Juhu.
'And when we actually do something about it, we get shouted at, arrested, interrogated. All for what? There are some days when I feel like quitting. The joy of my work seems to have disappeared', adds a visibly dejected Lalla.
He is not alone. Molesters all over Mumbai are up in arms. 'It all started with the New year's eve incident', Lalla recalls. He is referring to the ugly incident on Dec 31, 2009, when two women escalated a relatively simple molestation case to the police. 'To all those who think this is fair, I ask a simple question', he adds, 'Was this rape? I agree that they are from abroad and do not know that this is how things work here. But after I explained the circumstances, they should have revoked their complaint.'
The women's audacious move has come in for widespread criticism in various circles, including the police department itself. 'As if we don't have enough cases already', sighs an overworked woman cop in Juhu.
While this is brewing in Juhu, a parallel extremist 'women's lib' movement has raised its head in Dadar and has actually come out openly in support of the two women complainants. The members hurl abuses at the molesters in the streets and sometimes even stone them. 'I find their language and tone very offensive. Is this really the educated 'liberal' young woman who is going to lead the country into the future? It's natural for the receiver herself to be sore after the incident, but what are these other girls yelling about?' Lalla fumes.
'And the police seems to be turning a blind eye to these violent ladies. They have done nothing to protect us. It is sad that a city which was once known as the safe haven for molesters all over is going down this dangerous path' warns Lalla.
The statistics are there for all to see. A Mumbai Molester on an average gets stoned every 3 days, and verbally abused every 45 minutes. While the downward trend itself is encouraging (These numbers were 1.5 days and 30 minutes in 2008, showing that the average Mumbaikar is now maturing to accept this as a part of Mumbai life), the numbers are still the worst across Indian metros, except Delhi. All that can be said at this point is that the judge on this case will have a lot on his mind when the matter comes up on Monday.
- Our special correspondent
PS: Apologies to 'the onion' for the shameless plagiarism.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Ugh!
So it's another year. While we still struggle to get out of the habit of writing ' January '07 ', it's a good time to do a quick recap of the worst of 2007. This space is much more intensely contested than the best of 2007, and people often confuse the two. For instance, although I personally don't know any (and I would kill myself if I did), there must be people out there who think 'Lead India' is one of the best things that happened in 2007. Speaking of which,
1. Lead India : I love the 'my leadership moment' section. Today's entry says [sic]'at present i am guideing my student friends for different projects, which make more useful for india science development'. More fun comes at 'Do you resemble a leader' and today's entry has a look-very- much-unlike of A.R.Rahman. 'It's a springboard to public life for those good men and women who fail to be daunted by the system', claims the home page. Looks to me like a springboard to getting those sms voting revenues up. Speaking of which,
2. SMS voting : I would like to meet all those who have ever voted for any participant(s) on any reality show - those selfless souls who don't spare a thought for themselves or the Rs 800 that they lose every time they send out 200 quick votes to Prashant Tamang or Rakhi Sawant. This phenomenon, I'm sure, is something that even pop-economist bloggers cannot explain. Speaking of who,
3. Bloggers : World problems, when I last checked, could not be solved through a careful setting up of a personal philosophy. I can prove this through a thought experiment. Let's assume you are half anarchist-capitalist-secular-libertarian. (What this assumption means is simply that your orkut 'about me' reads half anarchist-etc). Change your world view to anarchist-pseudo modernist-secular-libertarian.(Yes, click 'update profile' when done). Now look around. This experiment miraculously, works for other combination of personal philosophies as well. What's more it is replicable on other sites, such as facebook. Speaking of which,
4. Facebook : So Microsoft allegedly paid 15 billion dollars for a website that hosts virtual vampires, werewolves etc. I wouldn't pay that much even for real vampires and werewolves. But in their defense, I guess at some point this social network would develop an intelligence of its own and develop applications itself. Imagine logging in and reading notifications that say ' Congrats! In your absence, your werewolf bit XYZ's pet panda and gained 34 points!' or 'Facebook Inc. decided that your profile matched that of Katie's in Detroit. Your profiles went on a date subsequently and things didn't quite work out. Here's a growing gift for all that trouble!'. But then I have been wrong in the past about technology. I thought the graphics that posed as Shah Rukh's six-pack would not be enough to sell Om Shanti Om.
5. Bad movies : This deserves a separate 10,000 word blog post. Laaga chunari me daag would have to be my worst three hours of 2007. But to be fair, the best time I ever had was the ten minutes after the movie got over when it dawned on me that my prayers had been heard and the movie was not of infinite length. It felt like I was re-born. I found myself stopping to look at birds chirping, at the sun-set, at those beautiful beautiful flowers on the way to work. Then I walked into Sawariya.
Note : This is the first part in a series of 50 posts, where I list the twenty five thousand things that irritated me the most in 2007.
1. Lead India : I love the 'my leadership moment' section. Today's entry says [sic]'at present i am guideing my student friends for different projects, which make more useful for india science development'. More fun comes at 'Do you resemble a leader' and today's entry has a look-very- much-unlike of A.R.Rahman. 'It's a springboard to public life for those good men and women who fail to be daunted by the system', claims the home page. Looks to me like a springboard to getting those sms voting revenues up. Speaking of which,
2. SMS voting : I would like to meet all those who have ever voted for any participant(s) on any reality show - those selfless souls who don't spare a thought for themselves or the Rs 800 that they lose every time they send out 200 quick votes to Prashant Tamang or Rakhi Sawant. This phenomenon, I'm sure, is something that even pop-economist bloggers cannot explain. Speaking of who,
3. Bloggers : World problems, when I last checked, could not be solved through a careful setting up of a personal philosophy. I can prove this through a thought experiment. Let's assume you are half anarchist-capitalist-secular-libertarian. (What this assumption means is simply that your orkut 'about me' reads half anarchist-etc). Change your world view to anarchist-pseudo modernist-secular-libertarian.(Yes, click 'update profile' when done). Now look around. This experiment miraculously, works for other combination of personal philosophies as well. What's more it is replicable on other sites, such as facebook. Speaking of which,
4. Facebook : So Microsoft allegedly paid 15 billion dollars for a website that hosts virtual vampires, werewolves etc. I wouldn't pay that much even for real vampires and werewolves. But in their defense, I guess at some point this social network would develop an intelligence of its own and develop applications itself. Imagine logging in and reading notifications that say ' Congrats! In your absence, your werewolf bit XYZ's pet panda and gained 34 points!' or 'Facebook Inc. decided that your profile matched that of Katie's in Detroit. Your profiles went on a date subsequently and things didn't quite work out. Here's a growing gift for all that trouble!'. But then I have been wrong in the past about technology. I thought the graphics that posed as Shah Rukh's six-pack would not be enough to sell Om Shanti Om.
5. Bad movies : This deserves a separate 10,000 word blog post. Laaga chunari me daag would have to be my worst three hours of 2007. But to be fair, the best time I ever had was the ten minutes after the movie got over when it dawned on me that my prayers had been heard and the movie was not of infinite length. It felt like I was re-born. I found myself stopping to look at birds chirping, at the sun-set, at those beautiful beautiful flowers on the way to work. Then I walked into Sawariya.
Note : This is the first part in a series of 50 posts, where I list the twenty five thousand things that irritated me the most in 2007.
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