The stock market tanked further today to an all-time low of 2000 triggering a special message from Finance Minister, Thangamuthu.
'Good time to sell and book losses', he advised the nation, 'all economics is behavioural'
Previously gung-ho MNC CEO's have been seen to change their stance repeatedly, from 'We are going to invest heavily in India' to 'We are looking very seriously at India' to 'India is very important to us' to 'In fact, India is a personal favourite for my annual vacation'.
Amidst this crisis, CEBI has taken a stand that an alternate stock exchange would be launched, dubbed the 'sane-sex' which would be purely based on fundamentals.
However, not all can invest.
CEBI proposes a tough screening procedure for retail investors starting with a screening test in quantitative finance, which is supposedly modelled on the Joint Entrance Test for entry into the IITs.
The screening then proceeds to a psychometric analysis of the investor and a certification from select psychiatrists. This is followed by the main exam which has sections on Fed rates and the world economy. The last step towards buying shares of company X is a personal interview of the candidate where he/she answers questions on company X's financials and projected cash flows.
The last stage is relatively easier for the Ambani companies where anyone who knows the chairman's father's full name is deemed to have passed.
To become a day trader or a derivatives trader, an investor has to take one more test on partial differential and stochastic calculus.
The launch of this exchange, originally slated for this Friday, has been postponed by a month. Inside sources tell us that CEBI ran a simulation with 2000 'sane' investors and watched the market crash even faster than the regular stock market. Trading had to be stopped just one hour into operation.
'There are no fundamentals, seemingly' CEBI Chairman added, in a philosophical vein, 'but we have asked the blue chips to take the lead in figuring out where and what their fundamentals are'
- Our special correspondent
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2 comments:
welcome the idea of an alternate stock exchange, but what will happen to the existing retailers & investors who are already playing with insider trading; manipulating a particular scrip & so on, there by, making losses happily most of the time to keep our Indian Economy at bay?
Next time, when u suggest something, think of something positive & then write :)
I likes the post!!!.
ugh ugh ugh.
Promise me you'll never write about markets again!
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