An alternative PIL

To the honourable principal judge
Herewith mentioned are grounds for stopping the sale and purchase of Vendy Doniger's 'The Hindus - An alternative history'
- The book is too long. Hinduism is not that long. It's easy to explain, even to little children. Why should she write 900 pages? This proves mala fide intent beyond any doubt.
- The book is heavy. The hardback weighs 1.5 kg.
- It's boring. I couldn't get past...well...let's say I didn't have to read it to know what's in it. Why write so much? That too alternative history. I might as well read the correct history if I'm going to invest that kind of effort.
- It's full of factual inaccuracies. Amazon, for eg., says it's one book. Can one book have 900 pages and weigh 1.5 kg? No, it's at least 4-5 books. If you buy it and keep it in a shelf unread as you're likely to do, I'm told it naturally disintegrates into 4 books over time.
- It should be titled 'All the people who've ever lived - an alternative history'. Even if you devote one line to talk about each Hindu who's ever existed, it won't be as long as this book - so she's definitely talking about all communities. In fact I'm told she talks extensively about cows and buffaloes also. It should then simply be titled 'Everything - a comprehensive saga in 5 parts which has been made into one humongous book through a miracle of binding'.
- Free speech is fine by me but exactly how much of it is permissible? If each person is allowed free speech worth 900 pages, imagine the chaos. And that too with unsuitable titles. Let's say I write a book about fruits and flowers with no photos and in Arial 4 font covering a 1000 page sprawl and call it 'Christians - a crisp one page snapshot'. I'll then get a friend to write a blurb saying 'A quick light hearted romance. Pick this up if you have a 1 hour flight'.
- The book sees Hinduism through a very western and outsider perspective of publishing very large books with more than 900 pages which is essentially a western concept.
Given the above, I humbly seek a quick pulping or at least a severe shortening of the book and addition of funny illustrations every alternate page.
- Dinanot

Googleplus acquires everyone's mobile phones for 4 trillion

Google got back at Facebook today in a stunner of a corporate move, rendering its acquisition of Whatsapp virtually unviable in one stroke.
"We are delighted to announce that we have bought all the people's mobile phones for 4 trillogazillion dollars. This will give our technology and hardware practice the much needed fillip and take us into the next decade on a comfortable footing", the Google-plus spokesperson said today. Preempting the most likely question, he said that Whatsapp will be allowed to operate on these phones unhindered and there will not be any immediate integration into Googleplus or other google products. However given that there are no users on these phones, the revenue from the app is expected to fall significantly.
In reply to a question about people buying new phones in the future and using Whatsapp, he said that contrary to analyst reports, Google's acquisition kitty is still not empty, indicating that more phone purchases are to be expected.

Date a girl who dates

Date a girl who dates. Date a girl who spends her money on boys instead of books or clothes or travel. Who has problems with closet space because she has too many boys stacked up there. Date a girl who has a list of boys she wants to date and that's what she ever wanted to do.
You’ll know when you see her because she'll have a boy around, taking her instructions. She’s the girl sitting with her boyfriend in the coffee shop down the street. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who date do not like to be interrupted. He might give you a glare too because boys who date also do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the boy who's with her.
Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of the guy she's sitting with.
It’s easy to date a girl who dates. It's much tougher to date a girl who doesn't. That element of coercion is no longer considered legal in most countries. Give her boys for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of men. Give her Homer, Joyce, Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Or other men without funny literature-type names.
Lie to her. If she understands men, she will understand your need to lie. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who dates knows failure.
If you find a girl who dates, keep her close. For obvious reasons. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a boy to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. And him. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. Though the guy might too, sometimes. Lose the guy preferably.
Date a girl who dates because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. But if you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who dates.
Or better yet, date a girl who dates girls.

Post feminism

Dear diary,
You won't like believe what like happened to me today. I went over to our neighbours' for tea after their repeated like invitations. Big Mistake. Unsuspecting li'l ole me enters and guess what! Aunty says 'Come in, beta, we've been expecting you, sit here'
Like I don't know where to sit just because like you know I'm a mod young woman. Well, forgive me, old lady, I have a life!
Soon enough, Uncle launches into intimate personal territory. Uh oh. Here it comes. 'Where do you work beta?'. Man o man! Don't tell me you don't get the subtext. What he actually meant to ask is 'Why do you work, you're a woman. You should be married by now and have 10 kids'
Well, old man, you are a 60 year old loser who didn't get anywhere in life, you don't have the right to judge me, please! Your wife may be the types who does karva chauth, I'd rather just kill myself than do all that shit. And the brazen duo weren't done just yet.
'Pass the water zara'. Right, like a traditional bharatiya naari. Why don't I just marry your son and massage your feet, you old sod? My only humble, humble question to you is what frikkin business is it of yours when I get married or if at all, and when I have kids. You didn't think twice before sending your idiot son abroad and let him settle there, did you? Fancy NRI job for your son, but when it comes to your neighbour who's a woman and who you call beta fondly, she has to deal with 'where do you work?' and 'pass the water'? Well, no disrespect, but here's a thought. Why don't you and your wife frikkin mind your own business like?
How much longer will we women be shackled by societal rules? This old couple decides when I get married? When I do it with my husband and how many times? Well, I have two words for you, get frikkin lost!
Diary, remind me to never eva eva again accept an invitation from this senile couple that's stuck in a time warp, in an era where women were supposed to follow their rules.
And remind me every day that I'm free. I'm me. G'nite!

Volunteering

Him: "So how long have you been associated with this NGO?"
Me: "A year now, what about you?"
Him: "This is my first visit actually. I got a call from Arvind last week asking if I would like to volunteer with his organisation sometime. I said pehle tho let me come and take a look at the facilities and the kind of work you do..."
Me:"Oh ok"
Him:"It's important to be very clear you know, so that's why I'm here to see what his NGO does. If I have to give time on weekends, and you know how that is, we work on weekdays and weekends are to relax..."
I had a vague sense that I should have hovered around 'where do you work-where do you live-how do you commute-so much traffic' type small talk. I wouldn't have had to listen to this guy's philosophy of work then.
Me: "So, busy job eh? Where do you work?"
He didn't take the bait though.
Him: "At a bank. So this better be worth it. It needs to be meaningful. And you know what I'm most worried about?"
That you have priced your weekend time out of the market, so now no one wants to spend weekends with you and you will die alone on a Sunday afternoon. He didn't wait for a response.
Him: "About political affiliation. Know what I mean? The last, the absolute last thing I want is to be a piece of someone's political agenda."
What in hell's name was this guy yapping about? What did volunteering to play football with some slum children have to do with politics?
Him: "Or even worse, religious propaganda. You know? Like, we need to see if their sources of funding are clean."
Who's we?
Me: "So how do you plan on contributing in case, you know, they 'pass' your screening?"
Him: "I like to take my time, I'll probably be an observer for a bit"
He wants to watch some kids play football and add that as his CV point.
Him: "I think it'll probably be inputs on systems and processes. I'm an MBA"
Do you know the difference between a system and a process even? Your brain and your mouth, for example, form a system. Establishing that you're an opinionated non-value adder everytime you open your mouth to talk, is a process.
Me: "Right, so you'll watch the games on weekends..."
Him: "Not right away. I think I have some free slots in March - I hope to get more actively involved then. All that's if I find the organisation neutral, if you know what I mean. Hahahaha"
Me: "Haha haha"
I have no spine. My knowing half laugh meant I'm now a co-conspirator in this religio-politico meaningfulness NGO audit where this weirdo will decide whether the NGO is worth the zero value that he brings to the table. That does it. I do not want this guy to ever turn up again.
Me: "Why are our free t-shirts saffron-green. Hmm, wonder if that means something"
Him: "You think? Noooo I don't think so...you think? Hmm"

Death bed regrets

A palliative nurse recorded the most common regrets of the dying and published them as a book titled 'Life lessons from the dying'. It's not surprising to see what made the list. But what occupies a dying person's mind is illuminating in the sense we can use this as a reference point to lead better and more fulfilling lives. Here, then, are the 5 most commonly occurring 'death bed regrets' with relevant excerpts from the book.
Courage : "This was by far the most common regret. The patient wished he had shown courage in sticking to his choice of doctor/hospital which usually turned out to be the right decision eventually, after several horrible tests and misdiagnoses by other doctors the family took the patient to"
Love : "Most of the male patients said they had a romantic interest in one of the female doctors/nurses and 'she was so pretty and caring', that it was 'deeper than a crush' and that 'it could develop into something wonderful if only I had more time and my family wasn't around so much.'"
Health : "Most patients obviously did not like what they were dying of and said they'd rather die of something else. Bungee jump gone wrong, stroke from excessive sitcom marathons were some popular choices."
Work/Insurance : "Some patients couldn't afford the hospital charges and passed away earlier as a result. It's the author's own regret that they could have made more money or got more insurance cover so she could have completed her interviews with them."
Laughter and Happiness : "One guy wished he hadn't laughed so hard when he heard his friend had a 'butt condition' because he ended up contracting one too, as if by karma. On happiness, most patients said they really liked the painkiller buzz ('woohoo') and said they regretted not using these earlier recreationally."

Calling all androids

Wondering what the next big app is, you smartphone junkies? Here's a list from the future.
1. Listen : With people trying to multi-task and hold an intelligent conversation while also fiddling with their smartphones, it's lately become possible to have a conversation where the phone fiddler only catches the last word in each sentence he/she hears.
Me : I think the kangaroo there and the panda are going to do it. Woohoo that's hot.
You : (while texting someone)  uhuh...hmmm...yeah it's getting hot here. Let's head elsewhere
Me : You are a dimwitted peasant. Your brain is so small it would fit into that cellphone cover.
You : Yeah na, I got it at Crawford market.

The icon would be a human ear. When you open this app, you get an abusive text pop up on your phone that says 'Stop fiddling around with your phone and look up and listen to the human being talking to you' 'And don't look back here till you are alone and no one is talking to you, real or imaginary'

2. Ask maps : Ever got lost trusting google maps or other such duds? Ask maps always, always works. When you click on it, the app prompts you with detailed instructions such as :
- Slow down your vehicle or skateboard
- Find someone
- Ask him/her for directions
- Repeat if necessary
3. Call : This one's pretty straightforward. If you've forgotten how to do voice on the device (-do I skype a recorded message or do I attach an audio on whatsapp?) the 'call' app could save your life. The app prompts you to enter a valid phone number of the friend you want to export some voice to and then, get this, repeats the same number digit by digit, out aloud so you can dial it. It even says the word 'dial' before each digit.
4. Whatsnotapp : Missing the solitude and inaction of the golden times when communication was not so easy especially with large groups? Whatsnotapp guarantees strict and complete privacy. You click the app open and type any crap you want and it gets sent to only one user in the entire universe - you guessed it - yourself. Since you then have double records of your private thoughts and feelings it's like the data is already backed up. Sample this conversation I had with myself today (made public on my special request to myself)
Nothing happening.
   Nothing happening.
Bored.
   Bored.
I think I feel like eating tender coconut icecream.
   I think I feel like eating tender coconut icecream.
Maybe not.
   Maybe not.
Bored.
   Bored. 
5. Gangstagram : This app is more of a supervisory app that controls your smartphone photography. You need to fill in some answers to simple queries before the camera in your phone becomes functional. Every single time you feel the urge to take a snap. Some sample exchanges :
Where are you right now?
At a rock concert.
No.
Why not?
Because enjoy the concert, don't watch it through a 3 inch by 3 inch screen

What are you focusing on?
Bird on tree.
No.
Why not?
Because write 200 words on any of the following topics : a)birds b)photography