The stock market tanked further today to an all-time low of 2000 triggering a special message from Finance Minister, Thangamuthu.
'Good time to sell and book losses', he advised the nation, 'all economics is behavioural'
Previously gung-ho MNC CEO's have been seen to change their stance repeatedly, from 'We are going to invest heavily in India' to 'We are looking very seriously at India' to 'India is very important to us' to 'In fact, India is a personal favourite for my annual vacation'.
Amidst this crisis, CEBI has taken a stand that an alternate stock exchange would be launched, dubbed the 'sane-sex' which would be purely based on fundamentals.
However, not all can invest.
CEBI proposes a tough screening procedure for retail investors starting with a screening test in quantitative finance, which is supposedly modelled on the Joint Entrance Test for entry into the IITs.
The screening then proceeds to a psychometric analysis of the investor and a certification from select psychiatrists. This is followed by the main exam which has sections on Fed rates and the world economy. The last step towards buying shares of company X is a personal interview of the candidate where he/she answers questions on company X's financials and projected cash flows.
The last stage is relatively easier for the Ambani companies where anyone who knows the chairman's father's full name is deemed to have passed.
To become a day trader or a derivatives trader, an investor has to take one more test on partial differential and stochastic calculus.
The launch of this exchange, originally slated for this Friday, has been postponed by a month. Inside sources tell us that CEBI ran a simulation with 2000 'sane' investors and watched the market crash even faster than the regular stock market. Trading had to be stopped just one hour into operation.
'There are no fundamentals, seemingly' CEBI Chairman added, in a philosophical vein, 'but we have asked the blue chips to take the lead in figuring out where and what their fundamentals are'
- Our special correspondent
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
barriers break when...
November, 2007
Dear MD (Airtel),
We are a small ad agency in London and one of our creative directors accidentally downloaded a video of two kids playing football in Afghanistan. Since there is a football in the footage and both kids are wearing some sort of footgear, we pitched very hard to both Nike and Adidas but were shown the door on the grounds that neither of the kids resemble Ronaldinho and hence could not be shown growing up to a Ronaldinho in the course of the ad.
I asked my team to scout for irrelevant ad-making firms in India and you will be delighted to know that Airtel was the first name that came up.
I have seen all your ads and I have to say that the only jarring aspect of the ad is its subtlety, ironically. What I'm trying to say is that I still had no idea what the product was after watching those ads. I did some research online to find out, though and am now familiar with your offering.
We can quickly convert this raw footage into an Airtel ad by adding your background score. We downloaded this tune from Kabul prison archives where we figured this would be used, along with Eminem's latest, to torture prisoners through repeated listening. It is quite pleasant at first hearing, I must add.
In compliance with your censorship guidelines, we have deleted the graphic footage of what happens to the kids when the border guard finds out. Also the cellphone scenes have been deleted so as to not dilute the brand message.
I spoke to your Marketing Head with this idea and listened to an earful from him about my audacity and about how I should run my business. We are a small firm and we cannot afford to antagonise a firm as big as yours. I think it's important that you intervene and we discuss this face to face, because as they say, careers shake when people balk!
Yours
------
Dear MD (Airtel),
We are a small ad agency in London and one of our creative directors accidentally downloaded a video of two kids playing football in Afghanistan. Since there is a football in the footage and both kids are wearing some sort of footgear, we pitched very hard to both Nike and Adidas but were shown the door on the grounds that neither of the kids resemble Ronaldinho and hence could not be shown growing up to a Ronaldinho in the course of the ad.
I asked my team to scout for irrelevant ad-making firms in India and you will be delighted to know that Airtel was the first name that came up.
I have seen all your ads and I have to say that the only jarring aspect of the ad is its subtlety, ironically. What I'm trying to say is that I still had no idea what the product was after watching those ads. I did some research online to find out, though and am now familiar with your offering.
We can quickly convert this raw footage into an Airtel ad by adding your background score. We downloaded this tune from Kabul prison archives where we figured this would be used, along with Eminem's latest, to torture prisoners through repeated listening. It is quite pleasant at first hearing, I must add.
In compliance with your censorship guidelines, we have deleted the graphic footage of what happens to the kids when the border guard finds out. Also the cellphone scenes have been deleted so as to not dilute the brand message.
I spoke to your Marketing Head with this idea and listened to an earful from him about my audacity and about how I should run my business. We are a small firm and we cannot afford to antagonise a firm as big as yours. I think it's important that you intervene and we discuss this face to face, because as they say, careers shake when people balk!
Yours
------
Friday, January 11, 2008
Ladies and Gentlemen, Class of 2020
I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in this locality and the one closest to the international airport.
I made a promise to myself today morning.
That I would finish sending out a couple of work-related emails before coming here, which I have done. So we can begin.
Today I wish to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. Three stories. Or four. Or five, max. That's it. Five stories. Or six. Maybe seven if we have time. Seven stories. Ok let's settle at seven.
The first is about change. Change is inevitable, it's a life-force. It crops up when you least expect it and when left untreated, can be fatal. Oops. I'm sorry - that's malaria, which is a part of my third story about death.
Anyway, this story goes back to my campus days here, when we had non-stop mind-numbingly boring lectures as I'm sure you all have had. My most vivid memories are of the canteen where we spent hour after hour, in a heady mix of boredom and curiousity as to what might be going on in the classroom. In a sudden burst of proactiveness, I asked the canteen contractor to change the menu. He asked me to go die, thereby losing a regular customer. Change or perish, that was the lesson I hoped to teach him. After that day, I remember, every time I passed the canteen counter with its incredibly delicious-smelling samosas and maggi, I kept chanting to myself 'stay hungry, stay foolish'.
College is really more about small incidents like the one I just narrated, than the textbooks and the porn, the multiple failed relationships, the arrests and so on.
My second story is about bitching. The prof who taught us Human Resources, Dr. Bhargav - is he still around? - was the worst ever prof in the whole frikkin' world. It's not much of a story I know but he was really really bad.
Then there's the one about courage. The degree that you hold in your hand will ensure that you will never be struggling for a livelihood. That doesn't mean you can go around passing the time or experimenting with your career. You can't be a pilot or a cricketer. Go sell soap and fight for your annual increment like everyone else. Marry someone-anyone, have kids, push them hard and be a part of the cycle. Sometimes you need moral courage to be able to do what everyone else is doing. Follow the herd. What are the chances that your individual gut is right amidst a gazillion people who are doing something else. Build the courage to ignore your instinct. Look at yourself in the mirror. Or Not. Whatever works.
My next story is about equity and growth. I think the Sensex will touch 35K atleast. Invest most of what you've got in equity and party hard with the rest.
Then there is this story about what one of you asked me during the tea session - the meaning of success. Now conventional success being as difficult as it is, I think it's prudent to define success in various unique personal ways so as to not feel like a failure. Today I brushed my teeth without falling asleep, for instance.
My last story is about values. When you appear for campus placements, I urge you to find a job that is aligned to your core value. I remember I valued myself at approx 10 lakh post tax during my campus placements and I found a company in alignment to this ask.
While campus life and the academics you have encountered here will have absolutely no relation to your work or life going forward, I'm certain that this college has prepared you well for the real world outside. In the sense that your future in the real world will feel like all those times you walked into a class completely unprepared with no frikkin' clue about what's going on. I wish you all fulfilment and happiness
-------------
I made a promise to myself today morning.
That I would finish sending out a couple of work-related emails before coming here, which I have done. So we can begin.
Today I wish to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. Three stories. Or four. Or five, max. That's it. Five stories. Or six. Maybe seven if we have time. Seven stories. Ok let's settle at seven.
The first is about change. Change is inevitable, it's a life-force. It crops up when you least expect it and when left untreated, can be fatal. Oops. I'm sorry - that's malaria, which is a part of my third story about death.
Anyway, this story goes back to my campus days here, when we had non-stop mind-numbingly boring lectures as I'm sure you all have had. My most vivid memories are of the canteen where we spent hour after hour, in a heady mix of boredom and curiousity as to what might be going on in the classroom. In a sudden burst of proactiveness, I asked the canteen contractor to change the menu. He asked me to go die, thereby losing a regular customer. Change or perish, that was the lesson I hoped to teach him. After that day, I remember, every time I passed the canteen counter with its incredibly delicious-smelling samosas and maggi, I kept chanting to myself 'stay hungry, stay foolish'.
College is really more about small incidents like the one I just narrated, than the textbooks and the porn, the multiple failed relationships, the arrests and so on.
My second story is about bitching. The prof who taught us Human Resources, Dr. Bhargav - is he still around? - was the worst ever prof in the whole frikkin' world. It's not much of a story I know but he was really really bad.
Then there's the one about courage. The degree that you hold in your hand will ensure that you will never be struggling for a livelihood. That doesn't mean you can go around passing the time or experimenting with your career. You can't be a pilot or a cricketer. Go sell soap and fight for your annual increment like everyone else. Marry someone-anyone, have kids, push them hard and be a part of the cycle. Sometimes you need moral courage to be able to do what everyone else is doing. Follow the herd. What are the chances that your individual gut is right amidst a gazillion people who are doing something else. Build the courage to ignore your instinct. Look at yourself in the mirror. Or Not. Whatever works.
My next story is about equity and growth. I think the Sensex will touch 35K atleast. Invest most of what you've got in equity and party hard with the rest.
Then there is this story about what one of you asked me during the tea session - the meaning of success. Now conventional success being as difficult as it is, I think it's prudent to define success in various unique personal ways so as to not feel like a failure. Today I brushed my teeth without falling asleep, for instance.
My last story is about values. When you appear for campus placements, I urge you to find a job that is aligned to your core value. I remember I valued myself at approx 10 lakh post tax during my campus placements and I found a company in alignment to this ask.
While campus life and the academics you have encountered here will have absolutely no relation to your work or life going forward, I'm certain that this college has prepared you well for the real world outside. In the sense that your future in the real world will feel like all those times you walked into a class completely unprepared with no frikkin' clue about what's going on. I wish you all fulfilment and happiness
-------------
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Joda Acbar not a sequel to Dhoom-II : Bowariker
This blog decided to give director Bowariker*, who is upset over industry reactions to his upcoming movie, a chance to set the record straight :
------------------------------------------------
I don't know where these rumours are coming from. I think the promo of the movie may have sparked off the rumour mills, so we are re-working the look and feel aspects. A reporter called me on my cell phone and asked me if Joda Acbar was a sequel to Dhoom-II, given the very contemporary look of the sets in the trailer. I was so offended that I didn't even bother replying.
Then there is the rumour that the elephant that Hrithik is seen fighting (or irritating, as some reviewer said) is, in fact, Abhisheg Bachhan. And further, that Joda Acbar is a part of the Bachhan Home video series and comes in a 4 dvd set along with Guru and Umrao Jan and Dhoom-II. I must say these rumour mongers have a vivid imagination, although I admit the elephant's role was first offered to Abhi but he couldn't lose weight in time for the shoot.
The last straw was when this reporter asked me if the rumour that this movie is based on a historical figure was true. What can you say? All the hours I put in researching my son's 3rd standard CBSE Social Science Textbook seem to have come to nothing. I still remember how happy I was when I was inspired to make this movie while watching Mughal E Azam. The question that kept me awake that night was ' What happens if you take these strong characters from the history textbook and put them in a crappy movie instead of a classic?' Maybe I should have just tried harder to sleep that night.
------------------------------------------------
*Bowariker is a young director who has made a landmark movie for which he will always be remembered in Bollywood. But after 'Baazi', the ride has been slightly downhill.
------------------------------------------------
I don't know where these rumours are coming from. I think the promo of the movie may have sparked off the rumour mills, so we are re-working the look and feel aspects. A reporter called me on my cell phone and asked me if Joda Acbar was a sequel to Dhoom-II, given the very contemporary look of the sets in the trailer. I was so offended that I didn't even bother replying.
Then there is the rumour that the elephant that Hrithik is seen fighting (or irritating, as some reviewer said) is, in fact, Abhisheg Bachhan. And further, that Joda Acbar is a part of the Bachhan Home video series and comes in a 4 dvd set along with Guru and Umrao Jan and Dhoom-II. I must say these rumour mongers have a vivid imagination, although I admit the elephant's role was first offered to Abhi but he couldn't lose weight in time for the shoot.
The last straw was when this reporter asked me if the rumour that this movie is based on a historical figure was true. What can you say? All the hours I put in researching my son's 3rd standard CBSE Social Science Textbook seem to have come to nothing. I still remember how happy I was when I was inspired to make this movie while watching Mughal E Azam. The question that kept me awake that night was ' What happens if you take these strong characters from the history textbook and put them in a crappy movie instead of a classic?' Maybe I should have just tried harder to sleep that night.
------------------------------------------------
*Bowariker is a young director who has made a landmark movie for which he will always be remembered in Bollywood. But after 'Baazi', the ride has been slightly downhill.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Mumbai unsafe for molesters - a special report
Mumbai - Saturday, January 30, 2010
-------------------------------------------------
'It is no longer possible to walk on the streets without coming across a woman dressed in jeans and modern clothing', says Lalla, head of the youth wing of the local Molesters union, Juhu.
'And when we actually do something about it, we get shouted at, arrested, interrogated. All for what? There are some days when I feel like quitting. The joy of my work seems to have disappeared', adds a visibly dejected Lalla.
He is not alone. Molesters all over Mumbai are up in arms. 'It all started with the New year's eve incident', Lalla recalls. He is referring to the ugly incident on Dec 31, 2009, when two women escalated a relatively simple molestation case to the police. 'To all those who think this is fair, I ask a simple question', he adds, 'Was this rape? I agree that they are from abroad and do not know that this is how things work here. But after I explained the circumstances, they should have revoked their complaint.'
The women's audacious move has come in for widespread criticism in various circles, including the police department itself. 'As if we don't have enough cases already', sighs an overworked woman cop in Juhu.
While this is brewing in Juhu, a parallel extremist 'women's lib' movement has raised its head in Dadar and has actually come out openly in support of the two women complainants. The members hurl abuses at the molesters in the streets and sometimes even stone them. 'I find their language and tone very offensive. Is this really the educated 'liberal' young woman who is going to lead the country into the future? It's natural for the receiver herself to be sore after the incident, but what are these other girls yelling about?' Lalla fumes.
'And the police seems to be turning a blind eye to these violent ladies. They have done nothing to protect us. It is sad that a city which was once known as the safe haven for molesters all over is going down this dangerous path' warns Lalla.
The statistics are there for all to see. A Mumbai Molester on an average gets stoned every 3 days, and verbally abused every 45 minutes. While the downward trend itself is encouraging (These numbers were 1.5 days and 30 minutes in 2008, showing that the average Mumbaikar is now maturing to accept this as a part of Mumbai life), the numbers are still the worst across Indian metros, except Delhi. All that can be said at this point is that the judge on this case will have a lot on his mind when the matter comes up on Monday.
- Our special correspondent
PS: Apologies to 'the onion' for the shameless plagiarism.
-------------------------------------------------
'It is no longer possible to walk on the streets without coming across a woman dressed in jeans and modern clothing', says Lalla, head of the youth wing of the local Molesters union, Juhu.
'And when we actually do something about it, we get shouted at, arrested, interrogated. All for what? There are some days when I feel like quitting. The joy of my work seems to have disappeared', adds a visibly dejected Lalla.
He is not alone. Molesters all over Mumbai are up in arms. 'It all started with the New year's eve incident', Lalla recalls. He is referring to the ugly incident on Dec 31, 2009, when two women escalated a relatively simple molestation case to the police. 'To all those who think this is fair, I ask a simple question', he adds, 'Was this rape? I agree that they are from abroad and do not know that this is how things work here. But after I explained the circumstances, they should have revoked their complaint.'
The women's audacious move has come in for widespread criticism in various circles, including the police department itself. 'As if we don't have enough cases already', sighs an overworked woman cop in Juhu.
While this is brewing in Juhu, a parallel extremist 'women's lib' movement has raised its head in Dadar and has actually come out openly in support of the two women complainants. The members hurl abuses at the molesters in the streets and sometimes even stone them. 'I find their language and tone very offensive. Is this really the educated 'liberal' young woman who is going to lead the country into the future? It's natural for the receiver herself to be sore after the incident, but what are these other girls yelling about?' Lalla fumes.
'And the police seems to be turning a blind eye to these violent ladies. They have done nothing to protect us. It is sad that a city which was once known as the safe haven for molesters all over is going down this dangerous path' warns Lalla.
The statistics are there for all to see. A Mumbai Molester on an average gets stoned every 3 days, and verbally abused every 45 minutes. While the downward trend itself is encouraging (These numbers were 1.5 days and 30 minutes in 2008, showing that the average Mumbaikar is now maturing to accept this as a part of Mumbai life), the numbers are still the worst across Indian metros, except Delhi. All that can be said at this point is that the judge on this case will have a lot on his mind when the matter comes up on Monday.
- Our special correspondent
PS: Apologies to 'the onion' for the shameless plagiarism.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Ugh!
So it's another year. While we still struggle to get out of the habit of writing ' January '07 ', it's a good time to do a quick recap of the worst of 2007. This space is much more intensely contested than the best of 2007, and people often confuse the two. For instance, although I personally don't know any (and I would kill myself if I did), there must be people out there who think 'Lead India' is one of the best things that happened in 2007. Speaking of which,
1. Lead India : I love the 'my leadership moment' section. Today's entry says [sic]'at present i am guideing my student friends for different projects, which make more useful for india science development'. More fun comes at 'Do you resemble a leader' and today's entry has a look-very- much-unlike of A.R.Rahman. 'It's a springboard to public life for those good men and women who fail to be daunted by the system', claims the home page. Looks to me like a springboard to getting those sms voting revenues up. Speaking of which,
2. SMS voting : I would like to meet all those who have ever voted for any participant(s) on any reality show - those selfless souls who don't spare a thought for themselves or the Rs 800 that they lose every time they send out 200 quick votes to Prashant Tamang or Rakhi Sawant. This phenomenon, I'm sure, is something that even pop-economist bloggers cannot explain. Speaking of who,
3. Bloggers : World problems, when I last checked, could not be solved through a careful setting up of a personal philosophy. I can prove this through a thought experiment. Let's assume you are half anarchist-capitalist-secular-libertarian. (What this assumption means is simply that your orkut 'about me' reads half anarchist-etc). Change your world view to anarchist-pseudo modernist-secular-libertarian.(Yes, click 'update profile' when done). Now look around. This experiment miraculously, works for other combination of personal philosophies as well. What's more it is replicable on other sites, such as facebook. Speaking of which,
4. Facebook : So Microsoft allegedly paid 15 billion dollars for a website that hosts virtual vampires, werewolves etc. I wouldn't pay that much even for real vampires and werewolves. But in their defense, I guess at some point this social network would develop an intelligence of its own and develop applications itself. Imagine logging in and reading notifications that say ' Congrats! In your absence, your werewolf bit XYZ's pet panda and gained 34 points!' or 'Facebook Inc. decided that your profile matched that of Katie's in Detroit. Your profiles went on a date subsequently and things didn't quite work out. Here's a growing gift for all that trouble!'. But then I have been wrong in the past about technology. I thought the graphics that posed as Shah Rukh's six-pack would not be enough to sell Om Shanti Om.
5. Bad movies : This deserves a separate 10,000 word blog post. Laaga chunari me daag would have to be my worst three hours of 2007. But to be fair, the best time I ever had was the ten minutes after the movie got over when it dawned on me that my prayers had been heard and the movie was not of infinite length. It felt like I was re-born. I found myself stopping to look at birds chirping, at the sun-set, at those beautiful beautiful flowers on the way to work. Then I walked into Sawariya.
Note : This is the first part in a series of 50 posts, where I list the twenty five thousand things that irritated me the most in 2007.
1. Lead India : I love the 'my leadership moment' section. Today's entry says [sic]'at present i am guideing my student friends for different projects, which make more useful for india science development'. More fun comes at 'Do you resemble a leader' and today's entry has a look-very- much-unlike of A.R.Rahman. 'It's a springboard to public life for those good men and women who fail to be daunted by the system', claims the home page. Looks to me like a springboard to getting those sms voting revenues up. Speaking of which,
2. SMS voting : I would like to meet all those who have ever voted for any participant(s) on any reality show - those selfless souls who don't spare a thought for themselves or the Rs 800 that they lose every time they send out 200 quick votes to Prashant Tamang or Rakhi Sawant. This phenomenon, I'm sure, is something that even pop-economist bloggers cannot explain. Speaking of who,
3. Bloggers : World problems, when I last checked, could not be solved through a careful setting up of a personal philosophy. I can prove this through a thought experiment. Let's assume you are half anarchist-capitalist-secular-libertarian. (What this assumption means is simply that your orkut 'about me' reads half anarchist-etc). Change your world view to anarchist-pseudo modernist-secular-libertarian.(Yes, click 'update profile' when done). Now look around. This experiment miraculously, works for other combination of personal philosophies as well. What's more it is replicable on other sites, such as facebook. Speaking of which,
4. Facebook : So Microsoft allegedly paid 15 billion dollars for a website that hosts virtual vampires, werewolves etc. I wouldn't pay that much even for real vampires and werewolves. But in their defense, I guess at some point this social network would develop an intelligence of its own and develop applications itself. Imagine logging in and reading notifications that say ' Congrats! In your absence, your werewolf bit XYZ's pet panda and gained 34 points!' or 'Facebook Inc. decided that your profile matched that of Katie's in Detroit. Your profiles went on a date subsequently and things didn't quite work out. Here's a growing gift for all that trouble!'. But then I have been wrong in the past about technology. I thought the graphics that posed as Shah Rukh's six-pack would not be enough to sell Om Shanti Om.
5. Bad movies : This deserves a separate 10,000 word blog post. Laaga chunari me daag would have to be my worst three hours of 2007. But to be fair, the best time I ever had was the ten minutes after the movie got over when it dawned on me that my prayers had been heard and the movie was not of infinite length. It felt like I was re-born. I found myself stopping to look at birds chirping, at the sun-set, at those beautiful beautiful flowers on the way to work. Then I walked into Sawariya.
Note : This is the first part in a series of 50 posts, where I list the twenty five thousand things that irritated me the most in 2007.
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