Thursday, February 28, 2008

Sachan half-century auctions for 1 mn $ : Has to win match - says SRKK

The unfolding IPL drama took a new turn today as the next phase of auctions began - the bids for individual performances. The cricketers laughed all the way to the bank as bids touched unprecedented levels. Leading the pack was veteran brand endorser Sachan Gundulkar who made a cool 1 million USD for hitting a half-century in the upcoming one day match against the Chennai Chamelis, to be played next Tuesday.
SRKK who owns the team was visibly in a grumpy mood in the auction and threatened some reporters with the six-pack that he carries to work these days even when not shooting for a movie. Times Correspondent Sheeba caught up with him however, for a brief chat.
"I had no idea I would have to buy out these performances. For the match this Tuesday, I have bought a Sachan 50, two third-umpire not-out decisions, and four crowd jeers of 'monkey' aimed at Symands when he is in the outfield. That's not enough to win the match, is it?"
The bids for wrong umpiring decisions shot up as the day progressed and the two sides led by SRKK and Malia were caught in a shouting match. SRKK bought a Sachan 50 for 1 mn USD but Malia shot back by buying a Fucknor decision to give Sachan out 'lbw' in the 2nd over. After heated negotiations chaired by starlet Bandira and Adul Wassan, who, to remind readers, started his cricket career directly in the commentary room, the bidding teams decided to concede a Sachan 50 in exchange for a cheap exit for Sehwaj for a paltry 8 runs.
The only man to gain from this arrangement was Sehwaj, who expected to get out at 5 and the additional 3 runs were an 'unekchpected bonanja' in the words of his relative.
SRKK, under advice from his lawyers, asked for a re-wording of the agreement, adding a clause binding Sachan to make a match-winning half-century, keeping in mind Sachan's recent strike rate of a run every 8 balls.
"I don't care. Cricket is a team game. I think we are thinking too much. We should all just go out there and try as a team to get me my 50!" said Sachan, slamming his critics.
In an unsurprising turn of events, Kumbli's 5 wicket haul was underbid by many times and the reserve price had to be reduced to 20 USD and this performance was bought by his brother, who has approached State Bank of Carnataka for a bridge loan to fund this purchase.
Adding to the drama were demonstrations by Green Cross, an NGO that has espoused the cause of wild life in Asia. Sunida who led the dharna, in a press release, said: 'The attitude of everyone, especially stupid little kids, has seen a paradigm shift ever since Symands was called a blue bison by Bajji. You should see these little brats at the zoo and at the national park, throwing things at blue bisons and shouting 'S y m a n d s ...Symands'.
Further confusion ensued as SRKK got delayed for his dance performance in the parliament as part of the Union Budget '09 session, which has become a regular feature of budget sessions over the last few years. The session had to be postponed by a day as a result.
"No point announcing the Budget today when nobody's going to watch it" said a morose Finance Minister. "Soni TV is telecasting Mohabbatein.v2 with two new Aiswaryarai facial expressions and Saharaa is playing Junoon reruns - who can compete with that? We really needed SRKK to boost TRPs. We are not happy. This year only cheque payment for SRKK- no 100 rupee notes will be flung at him when he dances in the parliament tomorrow", he boomed.
A bad day for SRKK but he is not KKing KKhan for nothing - watch this space.
- Our special correspondent

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Go back to Dadar West : LTDE

City life was disrupted today as LTDE (Liberation Tigers of Dadar East) chased away unsuspecting Dadar-West'ites from their offices in Dadar-East. 23 were reported injured, none seriously.


Anyone who had shifted to Dadar-East from West in the last 2 months, as well as those who stayed in West but worked in East constituted the group that the riotous LTDE targeted.


'These West people are taking our jobs. We also have mouths to feed', said Naresh, who does not remember what he used to do before taking up rioting full time for the LTDE


The tigers also staged a rally in protest against film star Bachpan buying a Nano from a Bandra Showroom for his grandson Gabbar . ' Has he forgotten the days when he used to eat at an Udipi in Dadar on the way to Goregaon?' an LTDE source asked.

The LTDE has submitted a detailed document to Bachpan marking out the areas he can operate in. An unidentified LTDE source gave us a sneak preview of this document - 'It just makes Bachpan's life easier and more organised. He needs to buy milk at Kolaba (because Sholay ran for 200 days in Regal), bread at Dadar, have a quick coffee at Thane and then do a loo break in Malad. He has requested for the last venue to be shifted because he can't hold back for that long and our apex committee is considering this request.

We have also given him clear direction on developmental work. He needs to set up a school in Goregaon west, where his kids studied, and a hospital in Andheri. We are thinking of giving him a tourist visa to Bandra because he has some relatives there'


The LTDE has re-sent the application to the President appealing for Dadar East to be recognised as a separate state after she rejected the first appeal on the grounds that the work of the President's office would increase with proliferation of states.

In another story, Times of India's 'Dadar Poised' campaign also came in for criticism from the party lead. TOI's much hyped ad with Bachpan proclaiming ' Ek Dadar upar dekh raha hai aur udne ki soch raha hai. Doosra neeche dekhke koodhne ki soch raha hai.' wasn't treated lightly by Dadar East residents who thought the two Dadars he was talking about referred to East and West.

Shivaji Park Association meanwhile reached an amicable solution of splitting the ground into 50 badminton courts thereby ending a 5 year struggle for space among the surrounding suburbs.

Given the spurt in activity and with Valentine's Day coming up, LTDE has stepped up recruitment of young rioters. 'We are looking to source from outside the country too, in fact a recruitment team has been dispatched just yesterday to scout for talent in UP and Bihar.' the source said.

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Sunday, February 3, 2008

Follow-up

"Hello. Is this XYZ? I have a note to be sent across to you"
"Email me. My mail id is..."
"I have your email address. I thought I'd just call and let you know so that you can, you know, expect a note from me..."
My outlook express and I now eagerly anticipate the receipt of the said note.
"Ok, cool."
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"Hello. Hi. I just called to say I have sent the email, you should be receiving it shortly. Would you go through it when you receive it?"
Not really. I usually translate it to Chinese, print it out and then shred it.
"Ok"
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Email arrives with pop-up at bottom right corner of laptop screen.

"Hello. Hi. I got a 'read' receipt from your account. So you must have opened the email. I just called to reconfirm"
These read receipts are rarely wrong.

"Yes, I have received it"
"Oh Ok Cool. You can go through it and let me know if you have any queries"
My first query would be about your parentagal legitimacy.

Email #2 arrives.

"As per telecon, please go through previous email and let me know if you have any queries
Regards"

Do NOT call to check about Email#2 or I'll call the police.
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"Hello. I called to check if you had the time to go through the note I sent you yesterday"
I had the time but I did not go through the note you sent yesterday.
"No"
"Oh Ok. let me know when you do"
Would you like an email or a phone call or, let me guess, BOTH?
"Ok"
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SMS at 10 pm. "cd u go thru the eml i snt u. gd day."
Mobile number busted. Hell beckons.

Email #3 : "Any luck with the note yet? Regards "
I need a gun.

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"Hi. It's been three days since I sent you that email"
You don't say. Feels like three and a half.
"Yes. I'm on it"
"Shall I call back in half an hour or one hour?"
Gun
"I'll call you as soon as I read it"
"Ok"
He's going to call in half an hour.

SMS : Dnt want 2 trbl u. ne luck wth my eml?
That does it.
Inbox -> delete email without reading.

"I read it and I'm not interested at present"
"Oh. Ok. Thanks for your time"
Not really. It just took 3 seconds.
"No problem"
"Can you reply to that email saying this? It's for our records"
Uh Oh. Why do I keep emptying the 'deleted items' folder?
"There is some problem with the server. I seem to have lost the message"
"No problem. I'll re-send it"
"Yes"
Noooooo. Too late.

"Hello. Hi. I called to say I'm re-sending the message. You should be getting it any minute now"
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