Death bed regrets

A palliative nurse recorded the most common regrets of the dying and published them as a book titled 'Life lessons from the dying'. It's not surprising to see what made the list. But what occupies a dying person's mind is illuminating in the sense we can use this as a reference point to lead better and more fulfilling lives. Here, then, are the 5 most commonly occurring 'death bed regrets' with relevant excerpts from the book.
Courage : "This was by far the most common regret. The patient wished he had shown courage in sticking to his choice of doctor/hospital which usually turned out to be the right decision eventually, after several horrible tests and misdiagnoses by other doctors the family took the patient to"
Love : "Most of the male patients said they had a romantic interest in one of the female doctors/nurses and 'she was so pretty and caring', that it was 'deeper than a crush' and that 'it could develop into something wonderful if only I had more time and my family wasn't around so much.'"
Health : "Most patients obviously did not like what they were dying of and said they'd rather die of something else. Bungee jump gone wrong, stroke from excessive sitcom marathons were some popular choices."
Work/Insurance : "Some patients couldn't afford the hospital charges and passed away earlier as a result. It's the author's own regret that they could have made more money or got more insurance cover so she could have completed her interviews with them."
Laughter and Happiness : "One guy wished he hadn't laughed so hard when he heard his friend had a 'butt condition' because he ended up contracting one too, as if by karma. On happiness, most patients said they really liked the painkiller buzz ('woohoo') and said they regretted not using these earlier recreationally."

Calling all androids

Wondering what the next big app is, you smartphone junkies? Here's a list from the future.
1. Listen : With people trying to multi-task and hold an intelligent conversation while also fiddling with their smartphones, it's lately become possible to have a conversation where the phone fiddler only catches the last word in each sentence he/she hears.
Me : I think the kangaroo there and the panda are going to do it. Woohoo that's hot.
You : (while texting someone)  uhuh...hmmm...yeah it's getting hot here. Let's head elsewhere
Me : You are a dimwitted peasant. Your brain is so small it would fit into that cellphone cover.
You : Yeah na, I got it at Crawford market.

The icon would be a human ear. When you open this app, you get an abusive text pop up on your phone that says 'Stop fiddling around with your phone and look up and listen to the human being talking to you' 'And don't look back here till you are alone and no one is talking to you, real or imaginary'

2. Ask maps : Ever got lost trusting google maps or other such duds? Ask maps always, always works. When you click on it, the app prompts you with detailed instructions such as :
- Slow down your vehicle or skateboard
- Find someone
- Ask him/her for directions
- Repeat if necessary
3. Call : This one's pretty straightforward. If you've forgotten how to do voice on the device (-do I skype a recorded message or do I attach an audio on whatsapp?) the 'call' app could save your life. The app prompts you to enter a valid phone number of the friend you want to export some voice to and then, get this, repeats the same number digit by digit, out aloud so you can dial it. It even says the word 'dial' before each digit.
4. Whatsnotapp : Missing the solitude and inaction of the golden times when communication was not so easy especially with large groups? Whatsnotapp guarantees strict and complete privacy. You click the app open and type any crap you want and it gets sent to only one user in the entire universe - you guessed it - yourself. Since you then have double records of your private thoughts and feelings it's like the data is already backed up. Sample this conversation I had with myself today (made public on my special request to myself)
Nothing happening.
   Nothing happening.
Bored.
   Bored.
I think I feel like eating tender coconut icecream.
   I think I feel like eating tender coconut icecream.
Maybe not.
   Maybe not.
Bored.
   Bored. 
5. Gangstagram : This app is more of a supervisory app that controls your smartphone photography. You need to fill in some answers to simple queries before the camera in your phone becomes functional. Every single time you feel the urge to take a snap. Some sample exchanges :
Where are you right now?
At a rock concert.
No.
Why not?
Because enjoy the concert, don't watch it through a 3 inch by 3 inch screen

What are you focusing on?
Bird on tree.
No.
Why not?
Because write 200 words on any of the following topics : a)birds b)photography

Parliament passes SC appointments bill : Clean judges to go

Political parties joined hands in a rare show of camaraderie to unanimously pass the controversial ‘SC judicial appointments bill’ which disqualifies judges, lawyers and staff of the Supreme Court who do not have a criminal track record.

The centre said that clean incorruptible judges have long been the roadblock to speedy delivery of justice. They are no longer relevant in the new Indian order. Protecting SC positions for convicts and criminal elements is required for smooth functioning of the judiciary. In another body blow to the SC, the bill explicitly states that the prerequisite for any position would be serious criminal charges against the candidate, with at least two among corruption, extortion, murder, attempt to murder and kidnapping. Gone are the days when a simple landgrabber could aim for a job in the highest court of the country.

India arrives on the world scene

Nationwide celebrations broke out in India after US President's White House Staff picked a guy who looks like an Indian from a distance, as the new janitor. Barry Sandiego, a Mexican by origin, has already issued a clarification to 20 Indian news channels who have interviewed him about a faint possibility that he may be at least 1/16th Indian in origin. But the media nevertheless went ahead with its 'Obaima picks Indian' news blitz, and called this momentous event possibly the biggest milestone in India's journey to supremacy on the world stage. Crowds spontaneously gathered all over India, especially in the cities, to dance and party and chant Barry's name.
The confusion was probably caused by a little American girl, who looked at Barry at the White House and whispered 'Is he Indian?' to the staff innocently. This was tweeted by an Indian tourist and news spread like wild-fire. The frenzy that followed in India resembled the one after Indian origin scientist Dr. Venkatraman won the Nobel Prize and issued a clarification that India had nothing to do with the prize. But this time around, Barry's clarification is not seen as a dampener. 'With Barry's ascent, India's now a force to reckon with at the world stage. China - take that!' said one news channel. 'The US has acknowledged that they need India for basic survival. Good show Barry!' said another congratulatory tweet. While some of this may seem jingositic, it must be said that India's in an enviable position with respect to our strategic relations with US with the appointment of Barry, second in importance only to Mexico possibly.

Facebook buys school dropout for 200 mn

Dave Krap, all of 16 years old, still can't believe what's happening around him. The saga began late last year, when he decided to drop out of Tumble High, a prestigious school in South Connecticut. 'He was always at his comp, awake all night. And I imagine he slept through all his classes', his mom says, beaming. Little wonder then, that his parents received a notice from school, asking whether he would like to drop out voluntarily to make things less unpleasant.
'I just figured I could spend more time with my friend Lenny, y'know' says Krap. Lenny was the name he'd given his old PC. He had no idea Facebook was on the prowl, looking for someone exactly like him. Bad hygiene, poor social skills, drop out, weird - Facebook had no doubt that Krap was a worthwhile investment. His parents didn't object, fortunately.
'We plan to buy at least 10 school dropouts and give them computers with internet access. That would really increase our chances of being the next big thing, apart from being the current big thing.' said a Facebook spokesperson. 'Ever since we blocked porn, Krap's started hanging out at a local pub instead of spending time at his comp, so that's a challenge' he added. 'Well, at least we are stopping Yahoo from getting at the next big thing as long as Krap's kept occupied.'

Phunny Murty launches iFidel

Serial sex offender Phunny Murty launched a new app today in Vegas amidst widespread speculation and curiosity mostly about his personal life though, not the app. Nicknamed the iFidel, the app allows you to customise a pre-nuptial agreement for extra marital affairs, the first of its kind. Also called the pre-extra-nup-app, the app is primarily meant to protect the founder-promoter from expensive out-of-court settlements, when the extra-nuptialled women decide to turn hostile.
In the post launch press meet, Phunny was at his combative best. Transcript below.
Q. What's the status of the 5 pending lawsuits against you?
A. Can we stick to questions about iFidel please?
Q. No.
A. I can't comment obviously. But I'll say this - I'm in independent relationships with 4 women at the moment, 2 of which are marriages, I think. I have to check with my lawyer. This is in addition to my long standing marriage which has only been strengthened by ...er... the other marriages.
Q. Dude, if you're this disgusting, how come women still flock to you and your wives don't leave you either?
A. Who understands women? If you figure them out, I'll take a lesson from you
Q. Ok what's this stupid app about?
A. I'm glad you asked. Throughout my life, I've been a victim of gold-digging women who sleep with me and think I'm a soft target. Not anymore! You'll have to sign the customised pre-extra-nup agreement that the app throws up on my phone, before I agree to sleep with you.
Q. Can you instead just stop trying to sleep with every woman you encounter at the workplace?
A. I'm not violating any company policy as far as I'm aware.
Q. That's because it's your company...
A. Yes, that's right
Q. ...and your company policy explicitly states that all the women in the office have to sleep with you at some point, and inform their superior immediately after. And the superior has to sleep with you in turn, if it's a woman. And so on.
A. Not before they sign on the iFidel, no sir!
Q. So what will they be signing?
A. That the act is 100% consensual and they will send 6 invites each on my behalf, to other women in the office to indulge in similar consensual acts with me. That's the viral digital marketing clause - it's the next big thing. And thirdly, they can't sue me ever.
Q. That doesn't sound legally valid.
A. Oh yeah? I already have 5 signatures. And one download by some @tigerwoodz
Q. Good for you. Do you ever regret these 27 extramarital relationships you've had?
A. That's a toughie. Yeah, some of them weren't as good as they looked, if you know what I mean.
Q. Sir, at a time when the nation's looking desperately for role models, it's also important to show the people what not to become and who better than you to not emulate. We thank you for that.

Chakravyuh

Customer (C) : Hi, I called to ask about the voice mail function in my new Android phone. There seems to be a problem with activating it.
Google Support (G) : If you go to Settings, there's a voice mail drop down, on which you have to click 'enable'. That should solve your problem.
C : Alrighty, let me hang up and do that.
G : Sorry, you can't hang up.
C : Say what?
G : This is the latest beta feature we are trying out to maximise product usage. When you call Customer care with an Android phone, the call can't be disconnected.
C : Oh yeah? Take this (Clicks 'end call'. Nothing. Tries to turn off the phone. Tries to take out the battery and the sim card. Call still on)
G : We have installed a back up battery and connectivity in the device. I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing you can do to disconnect this call.
C : I don't believe this crap.
G : As I said, it's not a bug really, it's a new feature. Let's take a step back. May I know why you would like to hang up? It's strange that you called Customer care if you were going to hang up after all.
C : Dude, hang up or I'm going to ...I don't even know what I'm going to do.
G : Sorry. I can't hang up. We have to talk now...er...for a while.
C : Oh yeah? What's up then, you frikkin moron? What's UP?
G : I don't know really. What's up with you?
C : This has got to be illegal
G : Not really. But there's a small chance this feature might be revoked with negative customer feedback so we can talk till such time.
C : Can I mail in the feedback?
G : No. You've got to call in.
C : What number?
G : The same one you dialled to get me.
C : Alright, trying that on my other phone.
G : Ok
C : It's busy.
G : Yes. That's because I'm talking to you on that line.
C : Someone save me.
G : Also, you've got to call from your Google phone, which you'll agree is busy presently. We don't take complaints from other numbers.
C : I get billed for this infinite frikkin call?
G : Yes, sir. I think you're seeing the point of this new feature finally.
C : I'm going to break this phone.
G : You can't, really. That's been tried too. But may I interest you in some discounted packages that we have for infinite calls...