Facebook buys school dropout for 200 mn

Dave Krap, all of 16 years old, still can't believe what's happening around him. The saga began late last year, when he decided to drop out of Tumble High, a prestigious school in South Connecticut. 'He was always at his comp, awake all night. And I imagine he slept through all his classes', his mom says, beaming. Little wonder then, that his parents received a notice from school, asking whether he would like to drop out voluntarily to make things less unpleasant.
'I just figured I could spend more time with my friend Lenny, y'know' says Krap. Lenny was the name he'd given his old PC. He had no idea Facebook was on the prowl, looking for someone exactly like him. Bad hygiene, poor social skills, drop out, weird - Facebook had no doubt that Krap was a worthwhile investment. His parents didn't object, fortunately.
'We plan to buy at least 10 school dropouts and give them computers with internet access. That would really increase our chances of being the next big thing, apart from being the current big thing.' said a Facebook spokesperson. 'Ever since we blocked porn, Krap's started hanging out at a local pub instead of spending time at his comp, so that's a challenge' he added. 'Well, at least we are stopping Yahoo from getting at the next big thing as long as Krap's kept occupied.'

Phunny Murty launches iFidel

Serial sex offender Phunny Murty launched a new app today in Vegas amidst widespread speculation and curiosity mostly about his personal life though, not the app. Nicknamed the iFidel, the app allows you to customise a pre-nuptial agreement for extra marital affairs, the first of its kind. Also called the pre-extra-nup-app, the app is primarily meant to protect the founder-promoter from expensive out-of-court settlements, when the extra-nuptialled women decide to turn hostile.
In the post launch press meet, Phunny was at his combative best. Transcript below.
Q. What's the status of the 5 pending lawsuits against you?
A. Can we stick to questions about iFidel please?
Q. No.
A. I can't comment obviously. But I'll say this - I'm in independent relationships with 4 women at the moment, 2 of which are marriages, I think. I have to check with my lawyer. This is in addition to my long standing marriage which has only been strengthened by ...er... the other marriages.
Q. Dude, if you're this disgusting, how come women still flock to you and your wives don't leave you either?
A. Who understands women? If you figure them out, I'll take a lesson from you
Q. Ok what's this stupid app about?
A. I'm glad you asked. Throughout my life, I've been a victim of gold-digging women who sleep with me and think I'm a soft target. Not anymore! You'll have to sign the customised pre-extra-nup agreement that the app throws up on my phone, before I agree to sleep with you.
Q. Can you instead just stop trying to sleep with every woman you encounter at the workplace?
A. I'm not violating any company policy as far as I'm aware.
Q. That's because it's your company...
A. Yes, that's right
Q. ...and your company policy explicitly states that all the women in the office have to sleep with you at some point, and inform their superior immediately after. And the superior has to sleep with you in turn, if it's a woman. And so on.
A. Not before they sign on the iFidel, no sir!
Q. So what will they be signing?
A. That the act is 100% consensual and they will send 6 invites each on my behalf, to other women in the office to indulge in similar consensual acts with me. That's the viral digital marketing clause - it's the next big thing. And thirdly, they can't sue me ever.
Q. That doesn't sound legally valid.
A. Oh yeah? I already have 5 signatures. And one download by some @tigerwoodz
Q. Good for you. Do you ever regret these 27 extramarital relationships you've had?
A. That's a toughie. Yeah, some of them weren't as good as they looked, if you know what I mean.
Q. Sir, at a time when the nation's looking desperately for role models, it's also important to show the people what not to become and who better than you to not emulate. We thank you for that.