Monday, March 10, 2008
No problem with clothes - Sherly Chopraw
'I'm ready to do anything the script demands. Or the director or the producer, for that matter. If heavy clothing is the way to go, I'm all for it. It's not as if I will be the first to wear clothes on screen. Even Sreedevi and Hemimalani have done it. At least I'm being open about it. My only requirement is that these shots of me in opaque clothes will have to be tastefully done'
Directors - are you listening? wink wink
-Subhas Ja for Mid-Night
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Vote budget regressive - Finance Minister
Gainers :
Congress I : 2 crore votes allocated as opposed to 1.7 in 2007-08
Losers :
BJP : 3 lakh votes as opposed to 45 in 2007-08
Misra, the Finance Head of the FAI, quoted from the Bhagvad Gita, Koran and Bible liberally in his budget address- 'Tit for Tat - all the scriptures advise - and we are just following this mantra. We vote for those who help us in times of need'
The Union Finance Minister did not seem too happy with the meagre vote increase especially after announcing a bonanza for these farmers in his budget 2008-09 last month.
'I will have to say this vote budget is repressive and populist. Why the token allotment of votes to minority parties just to appease them? I'm hurt by this kind of lack of reciprocation'
Misra however, was unruffled. 'We had mentioned earlier also. We are unhappy with only past loans being waived. What about loans we need now and in the future? Who's going to pay those back?' he hollered, 'We told the Finance Minister personally about a pump set that needed repair in my house. Did he bother to do anything about it? These people remember us only during elections'
The Congress spokesperson was careful not to be too pleased ' We all know that the budget is just indicative. It does not trickle down to the common politican. Last year they promised 1.7 crore votes and then hardly anyone turned up because it was raining heavily on poll day. Also there is the corruption in between, where henchmen from other parties take a cut for allowing people to vote'
Overall, the attitude seems to be one of 'wait and watch'. The elections will have their own story to tell as always.
- Our special correspondent
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Over-descriptive author almost sued for wasting readers' time
When crime-writer Jeffrey Biggins woke up Sunday morning, he would have hardly expected to be sued. Sunday to him meant a day of relaxation, a day of lazing around by his indoor pool, which was a shiny blue, a not-so-much-of-a-contrast against the white-blue early morning sky. For Biggins, the day began like any other Sunday, and he woke up and looked down at his beak-like nose and whatever else he could see of his face. At 45, Biggins still could pass for a 43-year old and his jet black hair made it impossible for one to guess his age, unless you looked at the skin behind his ears or something. His deep green-grey eyes were quick to miss a trick and were embellished by his black bushy eyebrows. He was not what one could call handsome but he did have that unmistakable quality of non-handsomeness about him. Biggins let out a low whistle for no apparent reason.
Little did he know what news the mail would bring him that Sunday. He changed to a double breasted suit, from his white-yellow pajamas with blue stripes, which were black near the feet due to differential rates of washing by the new washing machine that he had purchased recently. The steel grey washing machine shone in the morning sun, a symbol of the sweeping changes in his life. Not bad for someone who did not have a washing machine before buying one, thought Biggins- a slap in the face of those who ridiculed new washing machine buyers. He smiled wryly at the thought
Biggins' mail took a different route that Sunday, via 24th street, cutting across to 15th, down two blocks, then a left and there it was, at Biggins' doorstep. Biggins shivered out of context, as the icy cold breeze did not actually blow into his bedroom through the tightly shut windows. These windows were a crimson red, in stark contrast to his skin colour which was a lighter shade. It was a symbol of an era gone by, of technology, weird architecture, tectonic and sociological changes, and intolerably bad music. Biggins smiled wryly for the second time in a couple of minutes.
He proceeded to open his fan mail; in particular, a letter that was written on a glistening white sheet of paper with startling orange borders. It was an unpleasant letter from a reader who threatened to sue him for 'never getting to the point and getting mixed up in verbose irrelevant descriptions' in all his novels. She claimed to have spent over 5 hours reading the first chapter of his latest offering 'Death on page 978' and wanted those hours refunded as soon as possible. Biggins grinned toothily, a luxury he allowed himself when his wryness dried up. He made a mental note to respond to this reader. This reader no doubt was a middle-aged woman with strong jaws, a sharp eagle-like nose, and green-black eyes, Biggins surmised with absolutely no basis. This woman would not be attractive in the conventional sense, but there would be that quality of unmistakableness about her, which would have drawn many men to her in her life. For a fleeting moment, Biggins could identify with what she had been through.
He made himself a cup of steaming hot coffee which scalded the crap out of his mouth. This Sunday was going to be different, he thought as he laughed noiselessly and looked at his beak-nose at a different angle this time, in the reflection on the coffeemaker's silver surface, which glistened in the late morning sun.
- Our special correspondent
Monday, March 3, 2008
Tehelga unearths fake celebrations scam
"I suspected something fishy because both the reporter and the crowd were talking in very general terms. 'Aapko kaisa lag raha hai' and 'khushiyan manaane ka samay hai' in reply. And I also thought I recognised a long-haired drunk chap from this year's Ganesh Chaturti celebrations telecast on the same channel" says Pal, co-editor of Tehelga.
This suspicion prompted Pal to put in place a team to analyse various news videos of boisterous celebrations and 'people taking to the streets' across channels. The team tabled a report in three days with explosive findings
- The top three news channels have been using the same scenes of celebration for the last 6 years. Kal thak has used one video a record 28 times, for Ganesh Chaturthi 03-08, Diwali 04-08, 15 cricket victories including the 20-20 world cup, the Om Shanti Om silver jubilee function and Mayawata's victory in the 2007 assembly elections.
- The said video was shot with junior artistes in Goregaon Film City at a cost of 3 lakhs in 2002.
- Aforementioned long haired drunk was caught in Komal Bar and admitted to accepting a payment of Rs 10 every time his drunken dance was telecast by Kal Thak. He has made a tax-free Rs 100 in the last year alone.
This blog got in touch with a senior executive of one of these channels and he had this to say, strictly off the record : 'We can't be running around covering various jobless people shouting and celebrating. We did a study in 1999 which found that drunken revelries were 98% similar irrespective of the occasion the drunks were celebrating. Let's say we do the real thing - get our city correspondent to chase down these celebrating idiots everytime something happens. Do you know how much it would cost us? When Sunita William's son passed 3rd grade for instance, Bombay went absolutely nuts in joy. It's not safe for us to go around interviewing mad crowds, leave alone the cost. So we make do with what we have. How does it make a difference?'
This begs the question to be asked - if India in fact does not care, would you still like to see reruns of the long haired drunk dancing with his co-goons? Tell us what you think.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Sachan half-century auctions for 1 mn $ : Has to win match - says SRKK
SRKK who owns the team was visibly in a grumpy mood in the auction and threatened some reporters with the six-pack that he carries to work these days even when not shooting for a movie. Times Correspondent Sheeba caught up with him however, for a brief chat.
"I had no idea I would have to buy out these performances. For the match this Tuesday, I have bought a Sachan 50, two third-umpire not-out decisions, and four crowd jeers of 'monkey' aimed at Symands when he is in the outfield. That's not enough to win the match, is it?"
The bids for wrong umpiring decisions shot up as the day progressed and the two sides led by SRKK and Malia were caught in a shouting match. SRKK bought a Sachan 50 for 1 mn USD but Malia shot back by buying a Fucknor decision to give Sachan out 'lbw' in the 2nd over. After heated negotiations chaired by starlet Bandira and Adul Wassan, who, to remind readers, started his cricket career directly in the commentary room, the bidding teams decided to concede a Sachan 50 in exchange for a cheap exit for Sehwaj for a paltry 8 runs.
The only man to gain from this arrangement was Sehwaj, who expected to get out at 5 and the additional 3 runs were an 'unekchpected bonanja' in the words of his relative.
SRKK, under advice from his lawyers, asked for a re-wording of the agreement, adding a clause binding Sachan to make a match-winning half-century, keeping in mind Sachan's recent strike rate of a run every 8 balls.
"I don't care. Cricket is a team game. I think we are thinking too much. We should all just go out there and try as a team to get me my 50!" said Sachan, slamming his critics.
In an unsurprising turn of events, Kumbli's 5 wicket haul was underbid by many times and the reserve price had to be reduced to 20 USD and this performance was bought by his brother, who has approached State Bank of Carnataka for a bridge loan to fund this purchase.
Adding to the drama were demonstrations by Green Cross, an NGO that has espoused the cause of wild life in Asia. Sunida who led the dharna, in a press release, said: 'The attitude of everyone, especially stupid little kids, has seen a paradigm shift ever since Symands was called a blue bison by Bajji. You should see these little brats at the zoo and at the national park, throwing things at blue bisons and shouting 'S y m a n d s ...Symands'.
Further confusion ensued as SRKK got delayed for his dance performance in the parliament as part of the Union Budget '09 session, which has become a regular feature of budget sessions over the last few years. The session had to be postponed by a day as a result.
"No point announcing the Budget today when nobody's going to watch it" said a morose Finance Minister. "Soni TV is telecasting Mohabbatein.v2 with two new Aiswaryarai facial expressions and Saharaa is playing Junoon reruns - who can compete with that? We really needed SRKK to boost TRPs. We are not happy. This year only cheque payment for SRKK- no 100 rupee notes will be flung at him when he dances in the parliament tomorrow", he boomed.
A bad day for SRKK but he is not KKing KKhan for nothing - watch this space.
- Our special correspondent
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Go back to Dadar West : LTDE
Anyone who had shifted to Dadar-East from West in the last 2 months, as well as those who stayed in West but worked in East constituted the group that the riotous LTDE targeted.
'These West people are taking our jobs. We also have mouths to feed', said Naresh, who does not remember what he used to do before taking up rioting full time for the LTDE
The tigers also staged a rally in protest against film star Bachpan buying a Nano from a Bandra Showroom for his grandson Gabbar . ' Has he forgotten the days when he used to eat at an Udipi in Dadar on the way to Goregaon?' an LTDE source asked.
The LTDE has submitted a detailed document to Bachpan marking out the areas he can operate in. An unidentified LTDE source gave us a sneak preview of this document - 'It just makes Bachpan's life easier and more organised. He needs to buy milk at Kolaba (because Sholay ran for 200 days in Regal), bread at Dadar, have a quick coffee at Thane and then do a loo break in Malad. He has requested for the last venue to be shifted because he can't hold back for that long and our apex committee is considering this request.
We have also given him clear direction on developmental work. He needs to set up a school in Goregaon west, where his kids studied, and a hospital in Andheri. We are thinking of giving him a tourist visa to Bandra because he has some relatives there'
The LTDE has re-sent the application to the President appealing for Dadar East to be recognised as a separate state after she rejected the first appeal on the grounds that the work of the President's office would increase with proliferation of states.
In another story, Times of India's 'Dadar Poised' campaign also came in for criticism from the party lead. TOI's much hyped ad with Bachpan proclaiming ' Ek Dadar upar dekh raha hai aur udne ki soch raha hai. Doosra neeche dekhke koodhne ki soch raha hai.' wasn't treated lightly by Dadar East residents who thought the two Dadars he was talking about referred to East and West.
Shivaji Park Association meanwhile reached an amicable solution of splitting the ground into 50 badminton courts thereby ending a 5 year struggle for space among the surrounding suburbs.
Given the spurt in activity and with Valentine's Day coming up, LTDE has stepped up recruitment of young rioters. 'We are looking to source from outside the country too, in fact a recruitment team has been dispatched just yesterday to scout for talent in UP and Bihar.' the source said.
-----------------------
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Follow-up
"Email me. My mail id is..."
"I have your email address. I thought I'd just call and let you know so that you can, you know, expect a note from me..."
My outlook express and I now eagerly anticipate the receipt of the said note.
"Ok, cool."
--------
"Hello. Hi. I just called to say I have sent the email, you should be receiving it shortly. Would you go through it when you receive it?"
Not really. I usually translate it to Chinese, print it out and then shred it.
"Ok"
--------
Email arrives with pop-up at bottom right corner of laptop screen.
"Hello. Hi. I got a 'read' receipt from your account. So you must have opened the email. I just called to reconfirm"
These read receipts are rarely wrong.
"Yes, I have received it"
"Oh Ok Cool. You can go through it and let me know if you have any queries"
My first query would be about your parentagal legitimacy.
Email #2 arrives.
"As per telecon, please go through previous email and let me know if you have any queries
Regards"
Do NOT call to check about Email#2 or I'll call the police.
--------
"Hello. I called to check if you had the time to go through the note I sent you yesterday"
I had the time but I did not go through the note you sent yesterday.
"No"
"Oh Ok. let me know when you do"
Would you like an email or a phone call or, let me guess, BOTH?
"Ok"
--------
SMS at 10 pm. "cd u go thru the eml i snt u. gd day."
Mobile number busted. Hell beckons.
Email #3 : "Any luck with the note yet? Regards "
I need a gun.
--------
"Hi. It's been three days since I sent you that email"
You don't say. Feels like three and a half.
"Yes. I'm on it"
"Shall I call back in half an hour or one hour?"
Gun
"I'll call you as soon as I read it"
"Ok"
He's going to call in half an hour.
SMS : Dnt want 2 trbl u. ne luck wth my eml?
That does it.
Inbox -> delete email without reading.
"I read it and I'm not interested at present"
"Oh. Ok. Thanks for your time"
Not really. It just took 3 seconds.
"No problem"
"Can you reply to that email saying this? It's for our records"
Uh Oh. Why do I keep emptying the 'deleted items' folder?
"There is some problem with the server. I seem to have lost the message"
"No problem. I'll re-send it"
"Yes"
Noooooo. Too late.
"Hello. Hi. I called to say I'm re-sending the message. You should be getting it any minute now"
--------