Delegation

"That's all you need to do. Put these small documents together and make a big document. No analysis. No nothing. As simple as that. I will take it from there"
"Cool. Great. So I think we should sit on it sometime tomorrow..."
Ho Hum. here we go.
"...and then blah and then bluh and then blah. What do you think?"
Much as I love your way of doing it, i.e., by not doing it, I'm going to stick to the original idea.
"You put those together first no? We can discuss tomorrow when we have one document that's readable"
"You are not getting my point". Comes and sits and points at random objects on my laptop monitor. "...blah and bluh and so we need to discuss"
"I don't think putting these together is a two-man job. Are you doing something else right now or later today?"
Always ask questions you know the answer to.
"No. Ok chalo, I will take a shot at it"
Phew.
"Mr. Chatterjee? Hi. I was wondering if you could do this as well as part of your presentation..."
Can you hate a task so much that you will die avoiding it? Sometimes the greatest distance in the world is between a person and his work. I give up.
"Don't bother Mr. Chatterjee, man. I will do it myself"
"Cool. Just try putting these documents together to make one big document, plain and simple. No analysis or anything. We can discuss tomorrow when you are ready"

Siv Seina buys suicide wing from Al Qaida for 2 bn$

In a landmark transaction that marks the coming of age of Indian M&A, Mumbai's very own Siv Seina (SS) bought 100% of the equity of Al Qaida's suicide wing for 2 bn$. Trade analysts have called the deal 'overpriced' and 'suicidal' but the management is gung-ho as usual about the new merged entity.

The genesis of the deal was some innovative thinking from the senior management of SS when responding to a war cry from the party supremo, who had urged the party to start a suicide wing to counter the threat that Islamic terrorist groups posed. The management realised that starting this wing from scratch would take a lot of time and effort whereas a ready-made solution existed - growth through the inorganic route.
Meanwhile Al Qaida was looking to hive off its suicide wing which had been bleeding for many years. This resulted in the perfect marriage, something that no one would have seen coming even a few weeks back, given the history of differences between the two parties. 'This proves that terrorist groups everywhere are fundamentally the same' said Abu Kazi, 'The fund inflow will be used to digitally remaster some Osama tapes that are in production including a romantic comedy and an out-and-out action thriller'
'With technology and manpower transfer from the suicide wing, we should be able to do at least a couple of bombings every month', SS Chairman Fackeray said non-committally,' We are retaining Al Qaida's top management, so there may be issues on which communities to target. The problem is the census survey is also outdated, so there is really no scientific way of doing this, apart from taking an SMS vote and so on. So we are keeping our staff entertained by making them watch Sarkar Raj-3 multiple times so as to simulate suicide and near-death conditions.'
The state government has taken a serious view of this episode and is scrutinising the deal documents for evidence of tax violations.

Love gooru answers!

The following is a transcript of a live chat session with our in-house relationship expert affectionately called the 'love gooru'
amresh : hi hi m 10 yr old boy in love with 12 yr old girl in school. pl help
L : Are you nuts? Go do your frikkin' homework, weird lil' brat...
srini : hi am hindu girl in love with muslim boy, his parents don't like the marriage. i feel like ending my life in world. pl help
L : Someone end my life in world
rocky : hi am muslim boy loving hindu girl and my parents are objecting
L : Stop right there. Refer answer above. Jeez. You two in the same chat room? What are you, 10?
amresh : no, i'm 10. in love with 12 yr old
L : You're still here, you spoilt little pain in the a**. Wait till i trace your ip
ridhi : hi i have life and death problem. i'm 12 yr old in love with
L : What is this- couples' chat day? Get out of my chat room, ye all
greg : hey man how you doing? ;)
L : Yeah dude, hit on me. Let's generate relationships. There don't seem to be any otherwise.
shamuddin : delhi daredevilry will win ipl
satya : go to pakstan where you belong
shamuddin : u go to uzbekistan then, the weathers really good this time of the year
satya : really? i was thinkin turkey, good suggestn sham, c ya
L : Really great catchin' up with you both. Anyone here who wants advice? Helloooo?
raj : hi, one of m close friends said she wants to marry me, now i'm worried that she might be hinting that she might want more than just a good frandship.
L : No absolutely not, please don't lose a good frand by mistaking her intent. Is she hot?
rehana : i fot wid a boy and he marrd some1 n nw i like hm, i cnt 4gt hm n thnk f hm alwys. wt shd i do
L : I'm astonished that I was actually able to decipher your sms-like crap.
loverboy12: there's this girl i really really like. i asked her out many times and she kept saying no. then one day i sms'ed her and she said no on sms. since then i keep calling her and messaging her thousands of times a day but she never responds. should i just give up, please advise?
L : Keep trying. Persistence, boy, persistence. Women love that. Another good idea is anticipatory bail for stalking. That's all we have time for, folks. Next round coming up in a week, same time. Hope to run into more interesting people than this bunch! bye!

Mukesh Ambni buys BMC for 8 gazillion $

Reliable Industries, led by the world's richest man and business tycoon Mukesh Ambni acquired 100% of the equity of Bombay Municipal Corporation yesterday in a bold move that left the city pretty much indifferent as usual. Clandestine high-level negotiations have been going on for the past few months, revealed a company source. Both sides had hard-nosed negotiators who fought for every inch, delaying the closing by many months. Sources say Mukesh was very keen on VT, where he'd planned a second bungalow at a cost of 23 bazookillion dollars and the Oval for his son to play throwball with Shaun Pollock. BMC wished to retain management control over these and had to throw in Pedder Road and Borivilli Fast in return. The younger of the Ambni brothers, Sanil, not to be left behind, has put in a bid to buy Thane creek, which he plans to convert into a luxurious swimming pool at the cost of an arm and a leg.
Sena activists disrupted the announcement and restated their demand to find-replace B with M in all known nouns in the world. ''B' is a legacy left by the British. Are we not independent yet?' fumed an angry Mal Thackery. 'Mera Mharat mahaan. Mera Mummai mahaan' shouted the demonstrators, most of whom melonged to the Majrang Dal's Mhandup mranch.

Srisanth weeps uncontrollably again : Jumps to #2 in Times' 'world's most influential' list

'He hit me for six 4s in one over' gushed a weeping Srisanth in the post match conference as Jaipur Jokers crushed Chennai Chums in the final of the Indian Premiere League yesterday, 'I haven't been smashed so badly even in underarm cricket'.
Ace paceman Srisanth's bowling took a beating in the final and he returned figures of 4 overs for 80 and no wicket. He had a good reason to cry this time and cry he did- he was apparently inconsolable for hours after the match.
While he had little to cheer about in the match, what would have come as a pleasant surprise to him and his family was the Time's 'most influential people' list that's updated every few hours on the Times' website. The widespread media coverage of Srisanth's teary-eyed interview seems to have made him a familiar ugly sighting in every corner of the globe. Little wonder that he jumped from #132475 to #2 in a matter of 3 hours yesterday night on the list. The other Indians in the list are PV.Narasimha Rao (#23), Mandira Bedi (#45), Inspector Karamchand (#57), arbitrary mahout-cum-snake-charmer man (#73) and the Nano (#103). Srisanth's climb in the rankings is definitely an indicator of India finding its rightful place in the world, readers feel.

SC bored with arguements : hikes BC reservation again

The highest court in the Indian judiciary today upheld a PIL against both sides of the ongoing reservation debate - the PIL alleged that the arguements for and against reservation were getting increasingly repetitive and accuses both parties of being mind-numbingly boring as a ploy to get a quick judgement.
'Exclude creamy layer. Use economic and not caste criteria. Yawn', the two-page judgement reads. The judgement also slams the pro-reservation wing for excessive usage of the phrase 'years of oppression'. 'What years of oppression, useless fellow!' thundered justice KGB in the court when the lawyer used the phrase,'Wish I could subject you to some years of oppression'
The outcome of this long-drawn battle was a hike in the quota for backward classes to 40%. 'I'm retiring in six months, so I took an arbitrary decision and adjourned till November because people need time to figure out how I arrived at the number 40' said KGB with an enigmatic smile.
Forward classes meanwhile have taken this news badly and a radical group is now rumoured to have started a home-schooling movement. The rationale is that there are no seats in schools and colleges for kids from forward classes and hence they would have to be tutored at home till graduation/post graduation. Not to be left behind, the backward caste parties have reacted to this rumour by applying to the SC for a quota in home-tutoring as well. Parents can no longer help just their kids with homework and get away with it, it seems.
'Prima facie, I think the 40% would apply at homes as well because the judgement does not specify the instrument used to impart education. But I'm sure these lawyers will use their creativity and dig up some loopholes and talk about meritocracy beginning from the household etc' was KGB's unofficial view.

Happiness can't buy money : Warton Study

A study conducted by the economics department of Warton University has come up with some startling conclusions. The old adage 'happiness is money' has been disproved and how!
Researchers at the University, who carried out the study, found that inhabitants of happier countries are far poorer (economically) than grumpier, 'the-serious-types' nations.
In other words, the wider you smile, the poorer you are.
This finding contradicts years of wisdom that a higher sense of well-being translates into a higher GDP. This also explains how anomalies like Indya, Nepaul and Butan have always been off the charts on happiness but their cumulative per capita income never really added to much.
'The paradox arises from the fact that poorer people tend to feel happy in a simplistic way once their basic needs are met. And what's more, some of these lucky idiots take to drugs and alcohol which either make them happier immediately, or makes them give irrelevant responses to our questionnaire and screw up our results', a fuming Dr. Bernstein - one of the researchers who led the study, was quoted as saying.