A young Bengal tiger that escaped the Hydrabad city zoo yesterday in the wee hours of the morning was rounded up and interviewed by journalists in the outskirts of the city.
'It was a terrible state of affairs at the zoo. There was corruption at every corner. We must be the only tigers in the world to survive on grass-feed. But the audited accounts indicate daily non-veg. Even the number of tigers in the zoo is far lesser than the 30 that the books claim. I had a nightmare last week that Sadhyam's Chairman, Ramaraju takes over the zoo and rides me around with a whip. I woke up in a cold sweat. I interpreted this to mean I should no longer be a victim of corruption and went about planning my escape', it growled
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Friday, December 26, 2008
It's Qazab vs Salim this election
Veteran SBP leader Abu Salim, MP of the Muzabarpur constituency, will face tough competition in the upcoming Indian general elections from young gun Qazab (of the Mumbai attacks' fame) who heads the youth wing of BDS. The opinion polls indicate that the situation is interestingly poised.
There is little to choose between the candidates. Qazab has a track record of fearless attacks and his high intensity training at Karachi seems to have stood him in good stead. Salim, on the other hand is now a well-known face and has the experience of running giant corporations that carry out drug deals, extortion, kidnaps and so on.
'I learnt a great deal from the Mumbai attacks. That was a rough time in my life and I had to spend a few days in jail as well, which was a humbling experience. But that was where my cell mates encouraged me to look at politics as a career' said Qazab, in a telephonic chat, 'When the Bakawati Commision report came out this year, acquitting me and my friends in the 26/11 attacks, I was overjoyed' he said,'I still remember the Mumbai attacks fondly. Despite the loss of lives, you have to admit that if not for this, no one would recognise me on the streets.' When asked about the issue of his nationality, Qazab had this to say -'The aam Indian voter does not care about where the neta is from. All he wants is food'
And food it is that BDS promises - two bags of rice in return for every vote. Salim bhai, on the other hand is depending on cash bribes and also a high profile campaign including dance numbers by his long time friend Bonica Medi.
There is little to choose between the candidates. Qazab has a track record of fearless attacks and his high intensity training at Karachi seems to have stood him in good stead. Salim, on the other hand is now a well-known face and has the experience of running giant corporations that carry out drug deals, extortion, kidnaps and so on.
'I learnt a great deal from the Mumbai attacks. That was a rough time in my life and I had to spend a few days in jail as well, which was a humbling experience. But that was where my cell mates encouraged me to look at politics as a career' said Qazab, in a telephonic chat, 'When the Bakawati Commision report came out this year, acquitting me and my friends in the 26/11 attacks, I was overjoyed' he said,'I still remember the Mumbai attacks fondly. Despite the loss of lives, you have to admit that if not for this, no one would recognise me on the streets.' When asked about the issue of his nationality, Qazab had this to say -'The aam Indian voter does not care about where the neta is from. All he wants is food'
And food it is that BDS promises - two bags of rice in return for every vote. Salim bhai, on the other hand is depending on cash bribes and also a high profile campaign including dance numbers by his long time friend Bonica Medi.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Qazab brought down to 11, commisioner still not happy
The ongoing negotiations between Mumbai police and captured terrorist Qazab ended on a positive note today, said official sources. Qazab, who demanded on Saturday that the official record of the attacks show that 25 armed terrorists entered Indian waters for the attack last week, brought down this number to 11, faced with tremendous pressure from the police negotiators and public outcry. While this outcome was seen as good, the city commisioner said there was scope for a further reduction. 'We have him on the backfoot' he said.
'We can't permit so many to enter our country at one time. 25 is just not acceptable' the Navy head had gone on air saying late last night. Qazab, in an exclusive interview with NTDV, had said that he was OK with 15 plus. 'We have invested a lot in this complicated assignment. It would be an insult to our organisation to have any number less than 15 in the records. If you want the number to be reduced, we will disown this whole thing and let our infant-wing, dekkan hujahideen take credit' he threatened. 'And what about the 14 terrorists hiding in Mumbai right now? Spare a thought for them' he urged.
This did not go down well with the average Mumbaikar. 'It is a day of shame for all of us. It feels like my own home has been invaded by approximately more than 20 people' said an angry activist.
The tense negotiations today included an offer to get the remaining escaped 14 terrorists normal citizenship to avoid public panic and get their boat tickets pre-dated. Qazab also promised that they would not create trouble for a few months. 'They are anyway shy of publicity and also a little scared of the seething Mumbaikar and his rallies' he said, smiling.
'We can't permit so many to enter our country at one time. 25 is just not acceptable' the Navy head had gone on air saying late last night. Qazab, in an exclusive interview with NTDV, had said that he was OK with 15 plus. 'We have invested a lot in this complicated assignment. It would be an insult to our organisation to have any number less than 15 in the records. If you want the number to be reduced, we will disown this whole thing and let our infant-wing, dekkan hujahideen take credit' he threatened. 'And what about the 14 terrorists hiding in Mumbai right now? Spare a thought for them' he urged.
This did not go down well with the average Mumbaikar. 'It is a day of shame for all of us. It feels like my own home has been invaded by approximately more than 20 people' said an angry activist.
The tense negotiations today included an offer to get the remaining escaped 14 terrorists normal citizenship to avoid public panic and get their boat tickets pre-dated. Qazab also promised that they would not create trouble for a few months. 'They are anyway shy of publicity and also a little scared of the seething Mumbaikar and his rallies' he said, smiling.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Nothing to offer
What do you want from me? I can't help you out. I'm also pretty sure nobody can. Unless you want cliches about time healing your wounds, if you have lost someone in the attacks. Or about how you are in a peaceful place at least now, if you died.
Do condolences help you? You are either my half-acquaintance, my friend's friend, or someone I saw on TV or someone I don't know or have heard of. I can express my condolences. And I can adorn it with adjectives. I don't think I should call you or meet you because I don't think you would want to meet anybody. I can't get myself to email you because I can't find the right words. Everything sounds shallow. It's unfair in a way. What words match death in depth? I think about chucking the idea. Unexpressed condolences are also condolences.
I want to donate blood. Some of you are alive and injured and may need blood. The queues to donate in the hospital are long. My blood group is a common group and will probably not be required. Maybe I should still go across and give it a shot. But there are likely to be security problems and they probably won't let me in the area. I guess I won't go. Maybe I should volunteer. These hospital websites aren't loading. For good reason-people are checking about their missing family members. I decide not to overload the website traffic. And volunteer as what? I don't want to counsel you. If I were in your place, god forbid - sorry, I doubt if counseling would work. My effectively rationalising mind finds a way through most messes. Maybe this time there's a subtle difference in that I came closer to doing something. This coming closer to action is something I owe you.
I can't seem to get back to normal work. I hate news but I'm still addicted to it. My mind is clouded. I'm not particularly sad or angry, just in a haze. Also frustrated. How can these news sites be updated every 5 seconds, I ask myself rationally, but my hands seem to be on their own trip, refreshing, refreshing, refreshing the page. The pity is I can't even read an entire article, even ones I start with immense interest. Who gives a damn? What does death have to do with foreign policy? I get back to drafting an appropriate email to a half-acquaintance, again in vain. These idle hours in the office are not constructive in any way. These hours are because of you and so they are for you.
I'd have preferred donating a part of my salary to buy these policemen vests that are actually bullet-proof. There is probably a government budget for this, it's just not being utilised. I have paid my taxes. I present to you my bullshitty 'it's the government's job' argument but I also know that it's only as useless to you as a monetary donation. The only difference is that I would have felt like I had done something concrete in the latter case but then this isn't about me.
What else can I do? Do you really care if I vote or participate in rallies? Nothing works here. I'm just hanging around waiting for the next round. I empathise with the common people of J&K and for a brief moment, also feel patriotic concern about the whole country turning into a security-less state. We can probably adjust to that as well. 'Normalcy' can be a constantly shifting state and more and more uniforms will figure in our daily lives. I share your despondency and I shake my head when you do and say, as you do, that the dead aren't coming back. And we are all done for. I will probably agree to everything you say, which is not good for you. I should stay away.
People are suddenly nicer, and I think that will last for a week. The other noises by temporarily vigilant citizens and temporarily active government officials will probably die out in two. Your loss (or going away) is having an effect. You are in my head as well, along with a feeling of inadequacy, a kind of intense helplessness. If I were stronger or if this were the first time, this would have made me do something, or try to do something. I know better now and just vent. My time and with it, my incoherent writing is dedicated to your loss. It's not anything but I really have nothing else.
Do condolences help you? You are either my half-acquaintance, my friend's friend, or someone I saw on TV or someone I don't know or have heard of. I can express my condolences. And I can adorn it with adjectives. I don't think I should call you or meet you because I don't think you would want to meet anybody. I can't get myself to email you because I can't find the right words. Everything sounds shallow. It's unfair in a way. What words match death in depth? I think about chucking the idea. Unexpressed condolences are also condolences.
I want to donate blood. Some of you are alive and injured and may need blood. The queues to donate in the hospital are long. My blood group is a common group and will probably not be required. Maybe I should still go across and give it a shot. But there are likely to be security problems and they probably won't let me in the area. I guess I won't go. Maybe I should volunteer. These hospital websites aren't loading. For good reason-people are checking about their missing family members. I decide not to overload the website traffic. And volunteer as what? I don't want to counsel you. If I were in your place, god forbid - sorry, I doubt if counseling would work. My effectively rationalising mind finds a way through most messes. Maybe this time there's a subtle difference in that I came closer to doing something. This coming closer to action is something I owe you.
I can't seem to get back to normal work. I hate news but I'm still addicted to it. My mind is clouded. I'm not particularly sad or angry, just in a haze. Also frustrated. How can these news sites be updated every 5 seconds, I ask myself rationally, but my hands seem to be on their own trip, refreshing, refreshing, refreshing the page. The pity is I can't even read an entire article, even ones I start with immense interest. Who gives a damn? What does death have to do with foreign policy? I get back to drafting an appropriate email to a half-acquaintance, again in vain. These idle hours in the office are not constructive in any way. These hours are because of you and so they are for you.
I'd have preferred donating a part of my salary to buy these policemen vests that are actually bullet-proof. There is probably a government budget for this, it's just not being utilised. I have paid my taxes. I present to you my bullshitty 'it's the government's job' argument but I also know that it's only as useless to you as a monetary donation. The only difference is that I would have felt like I had done something concrete in the latter case but then this isn't about me.
What else can I do? Do you really care if I vote or participate in rallies? Nothing works here. I'm just hanging around waiting for the next round. I empathise with the common people of J&K and for a brief moment, also feel patriotic concern about the whole country turning into a security-less state. We can probably adjust to that as well. 'Normalcy' can be a constantly shifting state and more and more uniforms will figure in our daily lives. I share your despondency and I shake my head when you do and say, as you do, that the dead aren't coming back. And we are all done for. I will probably agree to everything you say, which is not good for you. I should stay away.
People are suddenly nicer, and I think that will last for a week. The other noises by temporarily vigilant citizens and temporarily active government officials will probably die out in two. Your loss (or going away) is having an effect. You are in my head as well, along with a feeling of inadequacy, a kind of intense helplessness. If I were stronger or if this were the first time, this would have made me do something, or try to do something. I know better now and just vent. My time and with it, my incoherent writing is dedicated to your loss. It's not anything but I really have nothing else.
Have faith in bullshit - Dy CM tells Mumbai
'A prolonged period of bullshit was effective in countering terrorism after the train blasts of '06. We should stick to the same formula', Dy CM, R Tapil said today in a press conference. 'We must also strengthen our army, navy, schools, hospitals, citizens and families. We cannot afford to sit back. We must act. This is not the time to not act. Or sit back, as I mentioned. Action is very important. We have already heard a lot of talk, I'm sorry to say' he said, visibly disturbed.
'Mumbaikars have a different sort of rage now. They want action. The previous time they were just angry enough for inaction to also be a possible course but not this time' added MP Doera.
Mumbai, the golden haired cocker spaniel of a city that it is, limped back to normal like a sick cow that's spread its legs too many times. It is a sleeping giant of a cosmos with a plethora of castes, animals, flyovers, religions and suburbs and at times seems like a starry night sky only to be spoilt by a supernova. It is a resilient rubber band, a mother to all dreamers, free as a fiddle.
Huge crowds were spotted around the attack-sites, cheering the squads and not allowing them to do any of their mopping-up work. ' We want peace, not war. North and South are the same' shouted one activist as he threw himself on one of the military personnel trying to defuse a grenade, creating some moments of tense confusion.
Meanwhile, an email written by a attacker locked in at the hotel, to IIS of Pakishtan was intercepted yesterday with the text 'need approval to use minibar stop ran out of badam stop' This was flatly denied by the Pakishtani government that said, in an official release ' We have always maintained that the people we send to work on Indian assignments are of a top-notch quality, much unlike these morons'.
The Hujahideen has sent details of its next target and the detailed plan of action for sourcing the explosives, training the personnel and so on, to the Inteligence Bureau. 'They have given us a year's notice this time. We have enough time to buy metal-tipped lathis for the policemen in the targeted area. Also the entire station is to be re-painted and this kind of reform is bound to be a slap in the face of such terrorists' said a senior official.
Filmmaker Ramgopalverrma has been invited by the state government to take on the mantle of chief investigator in the attacks and the investigation is expected to be complete abruptly in two hours and be released in five languages.
Media and news agencies have been busy trying to contact the families of the dead for comments.
Disclaimer : Just venting frustration. Willing to remove post if found insensitive.
'Mumbaikars have a different sort of rage now. They want action. The previous time they were just angry enough for inaction to also be a possible course but not this time' added MP Doera.
Mumbai, the golden haired cocker spaniel of a city that it is, limped back to normal like a sick cow that's spread its legs too many times. It is a sleeping giant of a cosmos with a plethora of castes, animals, flyovers, religions and suburbs and at times seems like a starry night sky only to be spoilt by a supernova. It is a resilient rubber band, a mother to all dreamers, free as a fiddle.
Huge crowds were spotted around the attack-sites, cheering the squads and not allowing them to do any of their mopping-up work. ' We want peace, not war. North and South are the same' shouted one activist as he threw himself on one of the military personnel trying to defuse a grenade, creating some moments of tense confusion.
Meanwhile, an email written by a attacker locked in at the hotel, to IIS of Pakishtan was intercepted yesterday with the text 'need approval to use minibar stop ran out of badam stop' This was flatly denied by the Pakishtani government that said, in an official release ' We have always maintained that the people we send to work on Indian assignments are of a top-notch quality, much unlike these morons'.
The Hujahideen has sent details of its next target and the detailed plan of action for sourcing the explosives, training the personnel and so on, to the Inteligence Bureau. 'They have given us a year's notice this time. We have enough time to buy metal-tipped lathis for the policemen in the targeted area. Also the entire station is to be re-painted and this kind of reform is bound to be a slap in the face of such terrorists' said a senior official.
Filmmaker Ramgopalverrma has been invited by the state government to take on the mantle of chief investigator in the attacks and the investigation is expected to be complete abruptly in two hours and be released in five languages.
Media and news agencies have been busy trying to contact the families of the dead for comments.
Disclaimer : Just venting frustration. Willing to remove post if found insensitive.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Profundity
'Should I go via flyover or Pedder Road?'
'Whichever route is quicker'
'No no, beta. These sort of things don't make a difference to me. In my entire life, I have always believed that this is a matter of business. The meter is on, so whatever is your wish shall be the route. It is right no? You understand, no, the concept?...blah blah '
Uh Oh. The profound cabbie syndrome. And this was a long cab ride. To someone who can go from geography to one's world-view in two seconds as demonstrated above, thirty minutes was a lifetime.
'OK. JJ then'
'Where do you live?'
'Colaba'
'Yeah, thought so. I took one look and I knew that you had to be in that area'
Genius.
'Your parents? Are you married?'
'My parents are not in Colaba. I'm not married'
Talking about where my parents were would have led to a flurry of questions. I thought I'd stick to Colaba and be done with it.
'Parents are everything but marriage is also important. What is man? What thing is man. It's funny sometimes.'
Maybe I should just get out and take the train. People rarely bother others in a train other than to pick up fights which are generally uncomplicated and short-lived.
'When my father was in the village, he used to say to me. Do things but do them honestly. Whatever one does, one should do well. It can be anything.'
'Does your cab have a radio?'
'I look at these new taxi drivers and I feel sad. What? No. There is no radio. So these new taxi drivers. They don't respect. That's the problem'
Where is my i-pod when I need it?
'But God is there. God never lets one down'
This is a topic that could expand exponentially and become a gigantic time-bubble that would fill up every second of the rest of the ride many times over. I had to intervene before things got...er...deeper.
'Where are you from?'
'Me? A small village called Misapur about 53 km...blah'
A detailed description of the place. How to get there. The cheapest way to get there. How many times he has been there in the last ten years. I gradually switched off.
'...Marriage works only when the woman is good'
Hell. How did he get back there from Misapur?
'You should get married. Don't mistake me. I always speak whatever I feel. I speak from the heart. I think one should always speak the truth. You will end up with enemies. Isn't it? Hahahaha'
'Haha...haha' I laughed lamely. I guess I didn't want to mess around with a profound cabbie especially when he was talking about enemies. Also silence, I noticed, only tended to make him repeat himself till he got an appropriate reaction.
'What does one have after all? I ask you. This money etc. Can you take it when you die?'
I got the feeling his meter didn't exactly share this nonchalance about money.
'Is your meter good?'
'It is a pukka meter. I don't do such things. In my entire life I have always blah blah'
I had my doubts. Meanwhile, an angry silence replaced the friendly banter. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Destination approaching. Phew. Stop.
'Pay as much as you want, since you don't trust me'
Awww. 'OK. I pay 200 bucks usually. Here'
'How can you do such as thing? Your home will be ruined, I tell you'
'220? take it or leave it'
Takes it but the tirade continues.
'How can you be like this? All this for 30 rupees.' Drives off in a huff.
Must explain why Mumbaiites still queue up to buy cars knowing they will never touch 20 kmph.
'Whichever route is quicker'
'No no, beta. These sort of things don't make a difference to me. In my entire life, I have always believed that this is a matter of business. The meter is on, so whatever is your wish shall be the route. It is right no? You understand, no, the concept?...blah blah
Uh Oh. The profound cabbie syndrome. And this was a long cab ride. To someone who can go from geography to one's world-view in two seconds as demonstrated above, thirty minutes was a lifetime.
'OK. JJ then'
'Where do you live?'
'Colaba'
'Yeah, thought so. I took one look and I knew that you had to be in that area'
Genius.
'Your parents? Are you married?'
'My parents are not in Colaba. I'm not married'
Talking about where my parents were would have led to a flurry of questions. I thought I'd stick to Colaba and be done with it.
'Parents are everything but marriage is also important. What is man? What thing is man. It's funny sometimes.'
Maybe I should just get out and take the train. People rarely bother others in a train other than to pick up fights which are generally uncomplicated and short-lived.
'When my father was in the village, he used to say to me. Do things but do them honestly. Whatever one does, one should do well. It can be anything.'
'Does your cab have a radio?'
'I look at these new taxi drivers and I feel sad. What? No. There is no radio. So these new taxi drivers. They don't respect. That's the problem'
Where is my i-pod when I need it?
'But God is there. God never lets one down'
This is a topic that could expand exponentially and become a gigantic time-bubble that would fill up every second of the rest of the ride many times over. I had to intervene before things got...er...deeper.
'Where are you from?'
'Me? A small village called Misapur about 53 km...blah'
A detailed description of the place. How to get there. The cheapest way to get there. How many times he has been there in the last ten years. I gradually switched off.
'...Marriage works only when the woman is good'
Hell. How did he get back there from Misapur?
'You should get married. Don't mistake me. I always speak whatever I feel. I speak from the heart. I think one should always speak the truth. You will end up with enemies. Isn't it? Hahahaha'
'Haha...haha' I laughed lamely. I guess I didn't want to mess around with a profound cabbie especially when he was talking about enemies. Also silence, I noticed, only tended to make him repeat himself till he got an appropriate reaction.
'What does one have after all? I ask you. This money etc. Can you take it when you die?'
I got the feeling his meter didn't exactly share this nonchalance about money.
'Is your meter good?'
'It is a pukka meter. I don't do such things. In my entire life I have always blah blah'
I had my doubts. Meanwhile, an angry silence replaced the friendly banter. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Destination approaching. Phew. Stop.
'Pay as much as you want, since you don't trust me'
Awww. 'OK. I pay 200 bucks usually. Here'
'How can you do such as thing? Your home will be ruined, I tell you'
'220? take it or leave it'
Takes it but the tirade continues.
'How can you be like this? All this for 30 rupees.' Drives off in a huff.
Must explain why Mumbaiites still queue up to buy cars knowing they will never touch 20 kmph.
Monday, November 3, 2008
GWBush re-elected for a record third time
The US elections took a bizarre turn as the results started coming in today. The fake Tabilan tapes that were released yesterday by BS-TV seem to have brought back memories for the American public as they voted for the current incumbent GWBush who didn't figure in the list of candidates. People just wrote his name and a tick by the side. Obam and Mccane were unavailable for comment.
'We love GWBush's stance on the amount of mayonnaise that should go into a subway sandwich. He is my choice for president of the world', slurred one half-drunk voter, leaving the world wondering if GWBush is a well thought-out choice. However, the voting percentage stood at an all-time high of 4% leaving no room for doubt that GWB and the accompanying bad policies and recession are indeed the people's choice. ' We don't want change. We just want a president we can identify with' said another voter, ' and to be fair, I think he will smoke out Obama (sic) from his hide-out this time around'
'We love GWBush's stance on the amount of mayonnaise that should go into a subway sandwich. He is my choice for president of the world', slurred one half-drunk voter, leaving the world wondering if GWBush is a well thought-out choice. However, the voting percentage stood at an all-time high of 4% leaving no room for doubt that GWB and the accompanying bad policies and recession are indeed the people's choice. ' We don't want change. We just want a president we can identify with' said another voter, ' and to be fair, I think he will smoke out Obama (sic) from his hide-out this time around'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)