Parliament passes SC appointments bill : Clean judges to go

Political parties joined hands in a rare show of camaraderie to unanimously pass the controversial ‘SC judicial appointments bill’ which disqualifies judges, lawyers and staff of the Supreme Court who do not have a criminal track record.

The centre said that clean incorruptible judges have long been the roadblock to speedy delivery of justice. They are no longer relevant in the new Indian order. Protecting SC positions for convicts and criminal elements is required for smooth functioning of the judiciary. In another body blow to the SC, the bill explicitly states that the prerequisite for any position would be serious criminal charges against the candidate, with at least two among corruption, extortion, murder, attempt to murder and kidnapping. Gone are the days when a simple landgrabber could aim for a job in the highest court of the country.

India arrives on the world scene

Nationwide celebrations broke out in India after US President's White House Staff picked a guy who looks like an Indian from a distance, as the new janitor. Barry Sandiego, a Mexican by origin, has already issued a clarification to 20 Indian news channels who have interviewed him about a faint possibility that he may be at least 1/16th Indian in origin. But the media nevertheless went ahead with its 'Obaima picks Indian' news blitz, and called this momentous event possibly the biggest milestone in India's journey to supremacy on the world stage. Crowds spontaneously gathered all over India, especially in the cities, to dance and party and chant Barry's name.
The confusion was probably caused by a little American girl, who looked at Barry at the White House and whispered 'Is he Indian?' to the staff innocently. This was tweeted by an Indian tourist and news spread like wild-fire. The frenzy that followed in India resembled the one after Indian origin scientist Dr. Venkatraman won the Nobel Prize and issued a clarification that India had nothing to do with the prize. But this time around, Barry's clarification is not seen as a dampener. 'With Barry's ascent, India's now a force to reckon with at the world stage. China - take that!' said one news channel. 'The US has acknowledged that they need India for basic survival. Good show Barry!' said another congratulatory tweet. While some of this may seem jingositic, it must be said that India's in an enviable position with respect to our strategic relations with US with the appointment of Barry, second in importance only to Mexico possibly.

Facebook buys school dropout for 200 mn

Dave Krap, all of 16 years old, still can't believe what's happening around him. The saga began late last year, when he decided to drop out of Tumble High, a prestigious school in South Connecticut. 'He was always at his comp, awake all night. And I imagine he slept through all his classes', his mom says, beaming. Little wonder then, that his parents received a notice from school, asking whether he would like to drop out voluntarily to make things less unpleasant.
'I just figured I could spend more time with my friend Lenny, y'know' says Krap. Lenny was the name he'd given his old PC. He had no idea Facebook was on the prowl, looking for someone exactly like him. Bad hygiene, poor social skills, drop out, weird - Facebook had no doubt that Krap was a worthwhile investment. His parents didn't object, fortunately.
'We plan to buy at least 10 school dropouts and give them computers with internet access. That would really increase our chances of being the next big thing, apart from being the current big thing.' said a Facebook spokesperson. 'Ever since we blocked porn, Krap's started hanging out at a local pub instead of spending time at his comp, so that's a challenge' he added. 'Well, at least we are stopping Yahoo from getting at the next big thing as long as Krap's kept occupied.'

Phunny Murty launches iFidel

Serial sex offender Phunny Murty launched a new app today in Vegas amidst widespread speculation and curiosity mostly about his personal life though, not the app. Nicknamed the iFidel, the app allows you to customise a pre-nuptial agreement for extra marital affairs, the first of its kind. Also called the pre-extra-nup-app, the app is primarily meant to protect the founder-promoter from expensive out-of-court settlements, when the extra-nuptialled women decide to turn hostile.
In the post launch press meet, Phunny was at his combative best. Transcript below.
Q. What's the status of the 5 pending lawsuits against you?
A. Can we stick to questions about iFidel please?
Q. No.
A. I can't comment obviously. But I'll say this - I'm in independent relationships with 4 women at the moment, 2 of which are marriages, I think. I have to check with my lawyer. This is in addition to my long standing marriage which has only been strengthened by ...er... the other marriages.
Q. Dude, if you're this disgusting, how come women still flock to you and your wives don't leave you either?
A. Who understands women? If you figure them out, I'll take a lesson from you
Q. Ok what's this stupid app about?
A. I'm glad you asked. Throughout my life, I've been a victim of gold-digging women who sleep with me and think I'm a soft target. Not anymore! You'll have to sign the customised pre-extra-nup agreement that the app throws up on my phone, before I agree to sleep with you.
Q. Can you instead just stop trying to sleep with every woman you encounter at the workplace?
A. I'm not violating any company policy as far as I'm aware.
Q. That's because it's your company...
A. Yes, that's right
Q. ...and your company policy explicitly states that all the women in the office have to sleep with you at some point, and inform their superior immediately after. And the superior has to sleep with you in turn, if it's a woman. And so on.
A. Not before they sign on the iFidel, no sir!
Q. So what will they be signing?
A. That the act is 100% consensual and they will send 6 invites each on my behalf, to other women in the office to indulge in similar consensual acts with me. That's the viral digital marketing clause - it's the next big thing. And thirdly, they can't sue me ever.
Q. That doesn't sound legally valid.
A. Oh yeah? I already have 5 signatures. And one download by some @tigerwoodz
Q. Good for you. Do you ever regret these 27 extramarital relationships you've had?
A. That's a toughie. Yeah, some of them weren't as good as they looked, if you know what I mean.
Q. Sir, at a time when the nation's looking desperately for role models, it's also important to show the people what not to become and who better than you to not emulate. We thank you for that.

Chakravyuh

Customer (C) : Hi, I called to ask about the voice mail function in my new Android phone. There seems to be a problem with activating it.
Google Support (G) : If you go to Settings, there's a voice mail drop down, on which you have to click 'enable'. That should solve your problem.
C : Alrighty, let me hang up and do that.
G : Sorry, you can't hang up.
C : Say what?
G : This is the latest beta feature we are trying out to maximise product usage. When you call Customer care with an Android phone, the call can't be disconnected.
C : Oh yeah? Take this (Clicks 'end call'. Nothing. Tries to turn off the phone. Tries to take out the battery and the sim card. Call still on)
G : We have installed a back up battery and connectivity in the device. I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing you can do to disconnect this call.
C : I don't believe this crap.
G : As I said, it's not a bug really, it's a new feature. Let's take a step back. May I know why you would like to hang up? It's strange that you called Customer care if you were going to hang up after all.
C : Dude, hang up or I'm going to ...I don't even know what I'm going to do.
G : Sorry. I can't hang up. We have to talk now...er...for a while.
C : Oh yeah? What's up then, you frikkin moron? What's UP?
G : I don't know really. What's up with you?
C : This has got to be illegal
G : Not really. But there's a small chance this feature might be revoked with negative customer feedback so we can talk till such time.
C : Can I mail in the feedback?
G : No. You've got to call in.
C : What number?
G : The same one you dialled to get me.
C : Alright, trying that on my other phone.
G : Ok
C : It's busy.
G : Yes. That's because I'm talking to you on that line.
C : Someone save me.
G : Also, you've got to call from your Google phone, which you'll agree is busy presently. We don't take complaints from other numbers.
C : I get billed for this infinite frikkin call?
G : Yes, sir. I think you're seeing the point of this new feature finally.
C : I'm going to break this phone.
G : You can't, really. That's been tried too. But may I interest you in some discounted packages that we have for infinite calls...

Siv Sena gets doomsday postponed in Mumbai - rest of the world to follow?

The Mayans did foresee a lot of stuff but even they won't have seen this morning's turn of events coming. In a bizarre announcement, Siv Sena leader Bhiku Matrey said 'We will not recognise Mayan doomsday or any other foreign doomsday. Any attempt at ending the world today will lead to dire consequences'
The veiled threat couldn't have been clearer to world-enders or world-ending sympathisers. Fall in line and don't dare end. Or prepare for something arguably worse than being ended.
'If at all anyone wants to end the world, the apt date will be when our supremo passed away, November 17th. This day will be called Chatrapaty Sivaji terminus day now' he added. Mistaking the press for supporters, he then lapsed into rhetoric,'The Mayans. First they took our flats, then they took our jobs. Now they want our days. We will not just stand here and do nothing'
This has led to a very angry but pointless response on twitterosphere with author Chetain Bagath arguing for and/or against capital punishment or some such thing.

Bhoopadhy to play doubles alone : All India Tennis Organisation

India's top seeded doubles player Magesh Bhoopadhy will be playing men's doubles at the Olympics by himself, as per the latest press release by AITO.
"We had a long session with Bhoopadhy and he broke down several times. Bhoopadhy messaged Gopanna last week regarding what was up and didn't receive a reply as to what was up. This seems to have caused a rift between the two. We had a choice of either playing Sania Mizra in men's doubles as well, seeking special permission, or to play Bhoopadhy alone. Given Sania's recent dismal form, we have decided in favour of the latter option. This is a tough challenge for him, but it's anyway only a matter of one match so we wish him the best of luck" the release said.