NiR: Hi...is this Mr. Kuja?
Ku: Yes, it is me only, tell.
NiR: I spoke to Ajay just now...
Ku: Ok
NiR: and then to Suneil...
Ku: Ok. What he is telling?
NiR: And then to Aneil
Ku: How did you speak to so many people, all just now?
NiR: and then to...
Ku: Hello? Ok, what they are all telling, tell no?
NiR: And then to you...
Ku: That part I also know
NiR: Ajay's telling Sunil that Bharat told you, you know, about the thing
Ku: Hain?
NiR: and you should also tell Leader about that
Ku: Dey, who is this speaking?
NiR: It's me
Ku: Youaa? then wrong number. don't call again
---
NiR: Hi, I just spoke to CBI
Ku: Ok
NiR: and then to SC and CVC and
Ku: Ok, you spoke to all people. Then what?
NiR: There's talk of investigating a scam
Ku: Which one?
NiR: The 2G one, where the exchequer lost 1.75 lakh...
Ku: Who is this X.Shekhar fellow? And he paid 1.75 lakh to who in my department? Tell details
NiR: No, I mean the government lost so much in the spectrum allocation? So I spoke to Suneil and then to Arun and...
Ku: Ayyo. Started againa?
NiR: and then to your wife
Ku: Haan, only that was left. Enter into family alsovaa? And then? What she is telling?
NiR: You should buy her a black sari
Ku: Ok. I know who is behinding all this. I will tell Leader.
---
NiR: So they want to give two ministries
Ku: Let them tell Leader.
NiR: I asked for 4. I think we'll settle at 2.5
Ku: Ok ok
NiR: I've always liked textiles and fashion, from the time I was 3-4 years old.
Ku: For that what I can do now?
NiR: No, so I asked for textile ministry.
Ku: So you like talking on phone so much so you asked for telecom also for me? hahaha
NiR: Kuja, you are too much
Ku: What is other half ministry?
NiR: Culture or something where money is half.
Ku: Chee. Culture and all who will take.
NiR: Ok, so I spoke to Raten and
Ku: So what he is telling?
NiR: Nothing actually. I only spoke.
Ku: Very good. Once in life if you let others talk, I will get more covers I feel.
NiR: Cover means?
Ku: Suitcase, cover, all that. 3G also coming and I want to retire fast.
NiR: Yeah, I will talk to Barca Datt about that
Ku: Ayyo. You can talk to my grandmother instead. Same result.
NiR: And then she will speak to Veer
Ku: Who are all these fellows? I don't watch TV these days
NiR: and he will speak with
Ku: Yeah. correct. Now I have to go, but feel free to finish conversation before hanging up.
---
Monday, December 20, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
An open letter to open letter writers
Dear openletterwriter (OLW) - or should I say, ahem, honourably illustriously sarcastic opinionated OLW,
I write to you with great dismay and some other profound emotions about the crisis that our nation is facing because of OLWs like your good self. I had no choice but to write to you, sir.
Sir, I had no choice but to write to you.
Actually the other choice was to not write to you, honourable sir. Wait, hang on, the third option was to do what the term 'letter' usually signifies. Which is to buy an envelope, some stamps, write this very same letter, take a printout, walk my opinionated limelight-seeking ass to the nearest post box and drop it in. But dear sir, my dear dear sir, I digress. This Open Letter is not about me.
I have been tracking your good self's penchant for open letters for the last many years and trust me, there is no bigger fan than I, of your open letters. You have been a vigilante citizen for many years now, writing bitingly acerbic open letters and shoving these down the throats of an all-absorbing media. I still remember the open letter you wrote to the Home Minister when the terror attack occurred. There was even a rumor that the letter made a couple of terrorists surrender. And they couldn't even read English. Such is the power that your open letters wield. You didn't stop there. You went on to then write open letters to each Minister, some minor celebrities, Paris Hilton, every member of the Bigg Boss-season 3 household and so on. But even you will agree with me that, lately, your open letters are making me puke a little inside my mouth.
Don't get me wrong, sir. I'm not, for one moment, for one solitary microsecond, saying that you shouldn't write letters. Your letters are the very cornerstone of the basis that this country has built its pillars of fundamentals on. But with the advent of the internet, the open letters you write with so much passion, are bound to fall in the wrong hands, namely, readers'. So write all you want, write like the wind, but please buy one 25 paisa cover, one 2 rupee stamp and post it to the one guy you want to talk to.
Thanking you,
Yours "very faithfully but only inside double quotes (wink, wink)"
An innocently common concerned citizen
I write to you with great dismay and some other profound emotions about the crisis that our nation is facing because of OLWs like your good self. I had no choice but to write to you, sir.
Sir, I had no choice but to write to you.
Actually the other choice was to not write to you, honourable sir. Wait, hang on, the third option was to do what the term 'letter' usually signifies. Which is to buy an envelope, some stamps, write this very same letter, take a printout, walk my opinionated limelight-seeking ass to the nearest post box and drop it in. But dear sir, my dear dear sir, I digress. This Open Letter is not about me.
I have been tracking your good self's penchant for open letters for the last many years and trust me, there is no bigger fan than I, of your open letters. You have been a vigilante citizen for many years now, writing bitingly acerbic open letters and shoving these down the throats of an all-absorbing media. I still remember the open letter you wrote to the Home Minister when the terror attack occurred. There was even a rumor that the letter made a couple of terrorists surrender. And they couldn't even read English. Such is the power that your open letters wield. You didn't stop there. You went on to then write open letters to each Minister, some minor celebrities, Paris Hilton, every member of the Bigg Boss-season 3 household and so on. But even you will agree with me that, lately, your open letters are making me puke a little inside my mouth.
Don't get me wrong, sir. I'm not, for one moment, for one solitary microsecond, saying that you shouldn't write letters. Your letters are the very cornerstone of the basis that this country has built its pillars of fundamentals on. But with the advent of the internet, the open letters you write with so much passion, are bound to fall in the wrong hands, namely, readers'. So write all you want, write like the wind, but please buy one 25 paisa cover, one 2 rupee stamp and post it to the one guy you want to talk to.
Thanking you,
Yours "very faithfully but only inside double quotes (wink, wink)"
An innocently common concerned citizen
Monday, November 15, 2010
The world's youngest guy-who-still-has-his-job-at-that-bank
Marshall ran the numbers once more. Which is just a fancy way of saying 'Marshall closed the file valuation.xls and opened it again'. His boss barged in for the fourth time that morning.
'Done? What's the number we are looking at?'
'Er...25'
'Whoa! Sure you don't want to crunch the numbers again, buddy?'
The truth was there weren't too many numbers to crunch. Facebrook had earned a revenue of one dollar for the financial year 2004-5, which was under the column 'won by founder in a beer contest'. Assuming similar incomes over the next few years and a completely arbitrary terminal value of the firm, meant that for the first time since Marshall joined the bank, the cell next to 'enterprise value' had a number instead of an error message. And that number was 25 USD.
'Not really, do you want to check? Here's a print...'
'No, I'm late for the meeting already. Ok, I'll start at 20 then. Hmm. You meant 25 billion right? I'm very sure we can't be talking in millions anymore?'
This stumped Marshall. His world was falling apart in slow motion. And he had to say something in the next 5 seconds. He didn't really have a choice. Going along with 25 billion USD gave him time till this evening to re-work the excel file. Arguing for 25 USD would land him in unemployment for sure, and perhaps at a mental asylum. What had he missed in his model?
'Yeah of course, 25 billion. So, boss, did the founders speak about any other revenues, you know, like money coming in or something?'
'No, that was the best part. We have a winner and...ok gotta run now'.
There was a lot of work to do. Marshall decided to first take a 10 minute break and check his own facebrook profile. For the first time since he'd joined the firm, he didn't feel guilty about facebrooking in office.
'Done? What's the number we are looking at?'
'Er...25'
'Whoa! Sure you don't want to crunch the numbers again, buddy?'
The truth was there weren't too many numbers to crunch. Facebrook had earned a revenue of one dollar for the financial year 2004-5, which was under the column 'won by founder in a beer contest'. Assuming similar incomes over the next few years and a completely arbitrary terminal value of the firm, meant that for the first time since Marshall joined the bank, the cell next to 'enterprise value' had a number instead of an error message. And that number was 25 USD.
'Not really, do you want to check? Here's a print...'
'No, I'm late for the meeting already. Ok, I'll start at 20 then. Hmm. You meant 25 billion right? I'm very sure we can't be talking in millions anymore?'
This stumped Marshall. His world was falling apart in slow motion. And he had to say something in the next 5 seconds. He didn't really have a choice. Going along with 25 billion USD gave him time till this evening to re-work the excel file. Arguing for 25 USD would land him in unemployment for sure, and perhaps at a mental asylum. What had he missed in his model?
'Yeah of course, 25 billion. So, boss, did the founders speak about any other revenues, you know, like money coming in or something?'
'No, that was the best part. We have a winner and...ok gotta run now'.
There was a lot of work to do. Marshall decided to first take a 10 minute break and check his own facebrook profile. For the first time since he'd joined the firm, he didn't feel guilty about facebrooking in office.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Dear Mr. Ajay, can you please send us your revised offer asap? Thanks
Trrrring.
'Hi, Ajay here. I just saw your email. Our revised offer is 4 lakhs'
'Oh ok, can you reply to my email saying this?'
'Email shemail kya yaar. When we are meeting and phoning and talking, what's the necessity of email? hehe'
Ok, I'll have to do it myself then.
Dear Mr. Ajay, we spoke. We are going ahead with the order on the basis of your revised quote of Rs 4 lakhs. Can you please 'email' me the address to which the order needs to be sent?
Please, God, no. New message alert. Yay! For once, an emailed reply to an emailed query.
Hi, js sw ur mesg cn u pls cll?? - Ajay
He better have something to tell me in addition to his address.
'Hi, Ajay?'
'Haan you wanted my address na, ABC enterprises, 34-5, Grant Road...'
This does not make sense. Does he have a keyboard allergy? That does it. No more phone conversations. My new mission in this world is to make email the only accepted means of communication. I create an sms template that goes out to every caller whose call I miss deliberately. 'I'm in a meeting. Please email'.
The only result of this strike is that I have a bunch of emails from Ajay, all of which say the same thing
got your sms. can you pls call
tried calling u but dnt gt thru. cn u pls call
gt an sms from u asking me to email. cn u pls call
Email is Ajay's paging device. He automatically calls people who email him, as a reflex. And the emails he sends out are only requests to call him back. I shall not budge till he understands the full range of functionality of Outlook Express and/or gmail. There is a small chance he's being arrested and I'm the one phone call he's allowed. He seems to have access to email though so that's unlikely. I decide to not call Ajay till I receive an email from him with actual content.
Ajay, this email is with reference to a meeting we have scheduled for tomorrow which you are required to attend. Please confirm by way of an email. I'm getting into a flight right now and will not be reachable for the next few hours.
hi - will attnd. thr r some paymnt issues. cn we discus that tmrw at the meeting?
Yay! There are at least 3 separate bits of content in that email, none of which is a request to call him.
Dear Mr. Vivek, Can you send us some product brochures please?
hi - cn u call pl?
Vivek, welcome to my 3-week Voice-to-Data Personal Transformation Program...
Trrrring.
'Hi, Ajay here. I just saw your email. Our revised offer is 4 lakhs'
'Oh ok, can you reply to my email saying this?'
'Email shemail kya yaar. When we are meeting and phoning and talking, what's the necessity of email? hehe'
Ok, I'll have to do it myself then.
Dear Mr. Ajay, we spoke. We are going ahead with the order on the basis of your revised quote of Rs 4 lakhs. Can you please 'email' me the address to which the order needs to be sent?
Please, God, no. New message alert. Yay! For once, an emailed reply to an emailed query.
Hi, js sw ur mesg cn u pls cll?? - Ajay
He better have something to tell me in addition to his address.
'Hi, Ajay?'
'Haan you wanted my address na, ABC enterprises, 34-5, Grant Road...'
This does not make sense. Does he have a keyboard allergy? That does it. No more phone conversations. My new mission in this world is to make email the only accepted means of communication. I create an sms template that goes out to every caller whose call I miss deliberately. 'I'm in a meeting. Please email'.
The only result of this strike is that I have a bunch of emails from Ajay, all of which say the same thing
got your sms. can you pls call
tried calling u but dnt gt thru. cn u pls call
gt an sms from u asking me to email. cn u pls call
Email is Ajay's paging device. He automatically calls people who email him, as a reflex. And the emails he sends out are only requests to call him back. I shall not budge till he understands the full range of functionality of Outlook Express and/or gmail. There is a small chance he's being arrested and I'm the one phone call he's allowed. He seems to have access to email though so that's unlikely. I decide to not call Ajay till I receive an email from him with actual content.
Ajay, this email is with reference to a meeting we have scheduled for tomorrow which you are required to attend. Please confirm by way of an email. I'm getting into a flight right now and will not be reachable for the next few hours.
hi - will attnd. thr r some paymnt issues. cn we discus that tmrw at the meeting?
Yay! There are at least 3 separate bits of content in that email, none of which is a request to call him.
Dear Mr. Vivek, Can you send us some product brochures please?
hi - cn u call pl?
Vivek, welcome to my 3-week Voice-to-Data Personal Transformation Program...
Monday, August 9, 2010
CWG compromise : Beijing Olympics to be re-telecast
Sports fans all over the world can breathe free - the Commonwealth Games to be held in India in October this year will take place as scheduled, though only on television. After a month-long negotiation, China decided to hand over exclusive re-telecast rights of the 2008 Beijing Olympics to Doordarshan today. This means hundreds of hours of sporting action, seen only once or twice before, with fresh perspectives on the same events from DD's expert commentary team.
'Am as interested as anyone else in finding out what Charoo Sharma has to say about my 9.69 second 100m run' said Usayn Bolt adding to the hype surrounding the upcoming event. Of course, medal winners from Beijing '08 who don't belong to any of the commonwealth nations will be stripped of their medals at CWG, 2010.
'Am as interested as anyone else in finding out what Charoo Sharma has to say about my 9.69 second 100m run' said Usayn Bolt adding to the hype surrounding the upcoming event. Of course, medal winners from Beijing '08 who don't belong to any of the commonwealth nations will be stripped of their medals at CWG, 2010.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
More Blahrbs
A 200,000$ job with one of the largest corporate law firms in the world , a luxurious BMW, a lovely wife and two kids from her previous marriage, a plush apartment, Scott Fcall had everything going for him.
Till he was asked to defend a man who went by the name 'Baxter', a 20 year old accused of peddling cocaine, killing some folks, armed robbery and so on.
Taking the case would surely be a high risk career move depending solely on a last minute brainwave for victory.
Fcall refused to take the case though - why would he want to give up all the neat stuff I mentioned earlier? More Details inside! Read now!
-------
Everything seemed to be peaceful and nice in Robin Moore's life but a mysterious call from his past threatened to change it all and turn his life upside down. His ex-wife Joan was in deep trouble.
Once a millionaire heiress, she was now accused of peddling cocaine, killing some people in a pub and murdering her dad for insurance money.
Will he be able to defend her without letting his emotions come in the way?
Yes.
Will he be able to save her?
Also, yes. She was the victim of a conspiracy, as it turned out. Some other dude did all of that stuff and framed her. He confesses on his own in the 10th chapter so Robin doesn't have to do much but he does take some of the credit for solving the case, riling up the confessor a little bit.
Or will evil triumph over rich lawyers living out a lull period in their lives?
No. Well, not in this book at least.
Till he was asked to defend a man who went by the name 'Baxter', a 20 year old accused of peddling cocaine, killing some folks, armed robbery and so on.
Taking the case would surely be a high risk career move depending solely on a last minute brainwave for victory.
Fcall refused to take the case though - why would he want to give up all the neat stuff I mentioned earlier? More Details inside! Read now!
-------
Everything seemed to be peaceful and nice in Robin Moore's life but a mysterious call from his past threatened to change it all and turn his life upside down. His ex-wife Joan was in deep trouble.
Once a millionaire heiress, she was now accused of peddling cocaine, killing some people in a pub and murdering her dad for insurance money.
Will he be able to defend her without letting his emotions come in the way?
Yes.
Will he be able to save her?
Also, yes. She was the victim of a conspiracy, as it turned out. Some other dude did all of that stuff and framed her. He confesses on his own in the 10th chapter so Robin doesn't have to do much but he does take some of the credit for solving the case, riling up the confessor a little bit.
Or will evil triumph over rich lawyers living out a lull period in their lives?
No. Well, not in this book at least.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Genius uncut
Two things happened this past month that provided me genuine insight into a complex problem that mankind has been grappling with for many centuries now. The nature of genius. What constitutes genius? What makes an immeasurably talented blogger (me) a genius of a writer (me)? What makes Vishy Anand win a tournament? That's probably not a great example, he made some bad moves now and then. Let's focus instead on what made me win an under-16 Pune intra-school chess tournament at the tender age of 21 apart from a fake birth certificate.
The first insight I got was from Malcolm Gladell's 'Outliers'. His contention is that a genius has to first put in 10000 hours of hard work. I did that through my insightful and profoundly philosophical blog posts, of course. What separates me from the likes of Einstein, Bill Gates, Da Vinci and other such luminaries is not the fact that their genius was in any way inferior to my own, but the fact that I have achieved what I have on the internet, and those dudes definitely didn't have to compete with online porn! Also the now well-known fact that I'm pseudoanarchistcapitallibertarianistic with subtle rightwingy tendencies while they were not.
The second insight came when our very own Vishy Anand was crowned World Champion. This took me back to the days when I was playing pro-chess myself while solving relativity problems and watching Small Wonder on Star World all at the same time. I remembered the time when I, embarrassingly enough, played a novel opening move that had never been tried in the history of the game. If you must know, I tried to move my king.
What I'm really trying to say is that innate talent, which I have in excess, is never enough. If you think I just woke up one day a genius, think again. I also put in the hours. When my impulse was to unwind with some light reading like Kant or Kafka, I instead chose to blog incessantly about Rakhie Sawant. It's no wonder that my book turned out to be, in the opinion of one of blogosphere's stalwarts (again, me), the bestest book ever.
- Am it
The first insight I got was from Malcolm Gladell's 'Outliers'. His contention is that a genius has to first put in 10000 hours of hard work. I did that through my insightful and profoundly philosophical blog posts, of course. What separates me from the likes of Einstein, Bill Gates, Da Vinci and other such luminaries is not the fact that their genius was in any way inferior to my own, but the fact that I have achieved what I have on the internet, and those dudes definitely didn't have to compete with online porn! Also the now well-known fact that I'm pseudoanarchistcapitallibertarianistic with subtle rightwingy tendencies while they were not.
The second insight came when our very own Vishy Anand was crowned World Champion. This took me back to the days when I was playing pro-chess myself while solving relativity problems and watching Small Wonder on Star World all at the same time. I remembered the time when I, embarrassingly enough, played a novel opening move that had never been tried in the history of the game. If you must know, I tried to move my king.
What I'm really trying to say is that innate talent, which I have in excess, is never enough. If you think I just woke up one day a genius, think again. I also put in the hours. When my impulse was to unwind with some light reading like Kant or Kafka, I instead chose to blog incessantly about Rakhie Sawant. It's no wonder that my book turned out to be, in the opinion of one of blogosphere's stalwarts (again, me), the bestest book ever.
- Am it
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Past Update
Hi
HR is in the process of updating your profile for our database. As you are aware, this is a six monthly process since we would like to always have the latest information about you in our records. Please fill in the following details. Explanatory notes have been added for your benefit.
Name in capital letters : HR has seen several cases where names have changed in the last financial year due to religious conversions, witness protection programs and so on. Also capital lettering itself is seeing a paradigm shift with many new fonts entering the market.
Parents' names in capital letters : In case you have been put up for adoption by harried parents, you can leave this as TBD
Educational Institutes
1. School : HR has noticed that in the hurry to get to a better future, people often don't take time to upgrade their past. This is seen in the shady unknown school names that people fill up in their profile forms. If you have always craved a better primary school education, this is your chance to do something about it.
2. College : -do-
Work Experience
Company 1 : Think you got a raw deal in your first job? It's time to change!
Company 2 : We would like to know if you changed companies in the period 2005-2007 anytime in the last 6 months.
Company 3 : We would like to know if you changed companies in the period 2007-2009 anytime in the last 6 months
Other information : HR understands that your contact information viz. mobile phone number and email, your other interests, recent training programs you attended, current work experience and so on are forever in a state of flux and accurate information about these cannot be provided by you. So these have been excluded in the update form.
PS : Please inform us immediately if you haven't received this email so we can send across a hard copy.
HR is in the process of updating your profile for our database. As you are aware, this is a six monthly process since we would like to always have the latest information about you in our records. Please fill in the following details. Explanatory notes have been added for your benefit.
Name in capital letters : HR has seen several cases where names have changed in the last financial year due to religious conversions, witness protection programs and so on. Also capital lettering itself is seeing a paradigm shift with many new fonts entering the market.
Parents' names in capital letters : In case you have been put up for adoption by harried parents, you can leave this as TBD
Educational Institutes
1. School : HR has noticed that in the hurry to get to a better future, people often don't take time to upgrade their past. This is seen in the shady unknown school names that people fill up in their profile forms. If you have always craved a better primary school education, this is your chance to do something about it.
2. College : -do-
Work Experience
Company 1 : Think you got a raw deal in your first job? It's time to change!
Company 2 : We would like to know if you changed companies in the period 2005-2007 anytime in the last 6 months.
Company 3 : We would like to know if you changed companies in the period 2007-2009 anytime in the last 6 months
Other information : HR understands that your contact information viz. mobile phone number and email, your other interests, recent training programs you attended, current work experience and so on are forever in a state of flux and accurate information about these cannot be provided by you. So these have been excluded in the update form.
PS : Please inform us immediately if you haven't received this email so we can send across a hard copy.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Mumbai was attacked sometime in the 2007-2008 period : Special Court
After a lightning trial conducted over a two year period, the special court found today that the city of Mumbai was attacked sometime in 2008. The court today attempted to put an accurate date on it with the help of the prime suspect, Kajmal Asab, as the country waited with bated breath. "The case has been going on for so long that I only remember bits and pieces of the incident", Kajmal said. The court refused to take his confession on record because his memory was 'unreliable'.
"However we have some good news. We have concluded that the city was indeed attacked. So there is no room for doubt on that front" the judge said. Defence put up a brave show claiming that the episode was a media-TRP conspiracy but lost in the face of piles of evidence and Kajmal's own testimony where he listed the lives he took and submitted photos taken from his cell phone camera.
"The next step is to open a line of communication with Pakistan to send us all the suspects to try. We have spoken to Ornab Goshwami of Times-New to do this. He's rounded up Gillani, their cricket board chairman and Meena, the model who got in trouble in Pakistan for bold photoshoots, to debate this handover process tonight" the judge said.
"However we have some good news. We have concluded that the city was indeed attacked. So there is no room for doubt on that front" the judge said. Defence put up a brave show claiming that the episode was a media-TRP conspiracy but lost in the face of piles of evidence and Kajmal's own testimony where he listed the lives he took and submitted photos taken from his cell phone camera.
"The next step is to open a line of communication with Pakistan to send us all the suspects to try. We have spoken to Ornab Goshwami of Times-New to do this. He's rounded up Gillani, their cricket board chairman and Meena, the model who got in trouble in Pakistan for bold photoshoots, to debate this handover process tonight" the judge said.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Attuned
4 pm : Scheduled start of concert. But it's in fact the scheduled start of tuning time.
4 pm - 6 pm : Adjustments of music instruments, mikes. 20 second bits of the songs that are going to be played in the concert
6 pm : Compere sent out to pacify irritated crowd.
Compere (Co) : Hello, Mumbaaaaaaaaaaai
Crowd (Cr) : Refund.
Co : Are you having fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun?
Cr : No. But hey, did you know there's a point in getting angrier and angrier when a person stops breathing? I'm somewhere there.
Co : I know we are a bit delayed but what the hell, it's going to be a wonderful night. We are gonna rock tonight. Aren't we, Mumbai?
Cr : Shadthefahkup
Co : I didn't hear you. Show me what you got Mumbaaaai. Are we gonna raaaaawck?
Cr : Hmm. No. But you're gonna suck.
Co : (Looking left) What about folks this side? You're very quiet tonight? Let me hear you. Put your hands together.
Cr : We want to try and put our hands together with your head in between.
Co : Is that all? Let's try one more time. Let's hear it for Mumbaaaaaaaaaaai.
A section of the crowd (Cr') now feels the tension of having paid a huge amount of money for the ticket. What if there's no concert? We better shout now and get our money's worth of forced enjoyment.
Cr : (reading the minds of Cr') No No No. Don't encourage her.
Cr' : (Feebly) Yeaaaaaaaaaaa
Cr : Dammit.
Co climbs the self esteem ladder i.e. goes from incredulity in being able to elicit a noise despite being completely talentless, to belief that this in itself was her talent
Co : (positively glowing) Thaaaaaaat's more like it. Once more. Aaaaare weeeee gonna rock it tonight? (points mike in the direction of Cr')
Cr' : Yeaaaaaa
Cr : Should we leave? Is there going to be a concert at all?
Co : (not pushing Cr') Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Indipop's latest sensation...
Cr : It's about time.
Co : ...who will be here any minute now. Meanwhile, here's something for you for having been such a wonderful crowd tonight.
Much mindless handing out of freebies later, pop sensation arrives. Cr dreams up an ideal scenario...
Po : Am I laaaaaate?
Cr : Yeaaaaaaa!
Po : Should I redistribute my personal wealth amongst all of you for having sat through these torturous 4 hours?
Cr : Exclude Cr'. They seemed to be having fun.
Po : Should the organisers and the compere be starved for 2 days for boring the crap out of you?
Cr : Yeaaaaaaa! You rock!
Po : Without embarrassing all you gentlemen from good backgrounds, I want you to fling a couple of stones and old footwear at the organisers, the compere and at me. Be careful not to hurt me too bad coz' I have to perform (laughs nervously)
Cr start chanting 'we love you'
Po : Should I perform now?
Cr : Nooooooooooooo! Don't ruin it now. Best concert evvvvva!
4 pm - 6 pm : Adjustments of music instruments, mikes. 20 second bits of the songs that are going to be played in the concert
6 pm : Compere sent out to pacify irritated crowd.
Compere (Co) : Hello, Mumbaaaaaaaaaaai
Crowd (Cr) : Refund.
Co : Are you having fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun?
Cr : No. But hey, did you know there's a point in getting angrier and angrier when a person stops breathing? I'm somewhere there.
Co : I know we are a bit delayed but what the hell, it's going to be a wonderful night. We are gonna rock tonight. Aren't we, Mumbai?
Cr : Shadthefahkup
Co : I didn't hear you. Show me what you got Mumbaaaai. Are we gonna raaaaawck?
Cr : Hmm. No. But you're gonna suck.
Co : (Looking left) What about folks this side? You're very quiet tonight? Let me hear you. Put your hands together.
Cr : We want to try and put our hands together with your head in between.
Co : Is that all? Let's try one more time. Let's hear it for Mumbaaaaaaaaaaai.
A section of the crowd (Cr') now feels the tension of having paid a huge amount of money for the ticket. What if there's no concert? We better shout now and get our money's worth of forced enjoyment.
Cr : (reading the minds of Cr') No No No. Don't encourage her.
Cr' : (Feebly) Yeaaaaaaaaaaa
Cr : Dammit.
Co climbs the self esteem ladder i.e. goes from incredulity in being able to elicit a noise despite being completely talentless, to belief that this in itself was her talent
Co : (positively glowing) Thaaaaaaat's more like it. Once more. Aaaaare weeeee gonna rock it tonight? (points mike in the direction of Cr')
Cr' : Yeaaaaaa
Cr : Should we leave? Is there going to be a concert at all?
Co : (not pushing Cr') Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Indipop's latest sensation...
Cr : It's about time.
Co : ...who will be here any minute now. Meanwhile, here's something for you for having been such a wonderful crowd tonight.
Much mindless handing out of freebies later, pop sensation arrives. Cr dreams up an ideal scenario...
Po : Am I laaaaaate?
Cr : Yeaaaaaaa!
Po : Should I redistribute my personal wealth amongst all of you for having sat through these torturous 4 hours?
Cr : Exclude Cr'. They seemed to be having fun.
Po : Should the organisers and the compere be starved for 2 days for boring the crap out of you?
Cr : Yeaaaaaaa! You rock!
Po : Without embarrassing all you gentlemen from good backgrounds, I want you to fling a couple of stones and old footwear at the organisers, the compere and at me. Be careful not to hurt me too bad coz' I have to perform (laughs nervously)
Cr start chanting 'we love you'
Po : Should I perform now?
Cr : Nooooooooooooo! Don't ruin it now. Best concert evvvvva!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Following Twaroor
-I have won with a landslide, biggest winning margin in Trivandrum. Truly humbled. Now the real work begins - Tweeting!
-Travelling with the cattle classes and the holier cows.
-Called for a meeting to discuss my insensitive indiscriminate tweeting. WTF! This SM Krisna sure is a moron.
-Interesting party meeting to discuss how to control my tweet-in-the-mouth syndrome.
-Boooored. Should do something for my state. Roads? Hospitals? IPL team!
-Great meeting about our relations with China. tweeting from cybercafe in shanghai. now going back to attend rest of it.
-Interesting meeting with Pakistani counterpart. Ended abruptly when I said freedom of speech more important than confidentiality.
-Met a Lebanese dude on a flight. Could be a valuable intermediary and resolve Kashmir crisis. Asking airhostess to solve global warming.
-Intermediary is a Mallu word meaning should not interfere and mind his own business- just sorry that so many people don't know Mallu!
-Asked by party to shut thafk up on Twitter and to not tweet about the instruction to shut thafk up on Twitter under any circumstances. Funny people.
-@Mody : Met an Indian ex-hottie sunaida on a flight. Could be a valuable sweat equity owner of the IPL team I'm planning.
-Biggest challenge country faces not malnutrition but closed political culture! give man food,feed him for a day gv hm tweets instd. but guess no food means no internet also.hmm.
-@supermodel25 your visa granted @mody : oops:)
-I've done nothing wrong in office. leave alone wrong, nothing whatsoever, in fact. so quitting. tweeting will continue...
-Travelling with the cattle classes and the holier cows.
-Called for a meeting to discuss my insensitive indiscriminate tweeting. WTF! This SM Krisna sure is a moron.
-Interesting party meeting to discuss how to control my tweet-in-the-mouth syndrome.
-Boooored. Should do something for my state. Roads? Hospitals? IPL team!
-Great meeting about our relations with China. tweeting from cybercafe in shanghai. now going back to attend rest of it.
-Interesting meeting with Pakistani counterpart. Ended abruptly when I said freedom of speech more important than confidentiality.
-Met a Lebanese dude on a flight. Could be a valuable intermediary and resolve Kashmir crisis. Asking airhostess to solve global warming.
-Intermediary is a Mallu word meaning should not interfere and mind his own business- just sorry that so many people don't know Mallu!
-Asked by party to shut thafk up on Twitter and to not tweet about the instruction to shut thafk up on Twitter under any circumstances. Funny people.
-@Mody : Met an Indian ex-hottie sunaida on a flight. Could be a valuable sweat equity owner of the IPL team I'm planning.
-Biggest challenge country faces not malnutrition but closed political culture! give man food,feed him for a day gv hm tweets instd. but guess no food means no internet also.hmm.
-@supermodel25 your visa granted @mody : oops:)
-I've done nothing wrong in office. leave alone wrong, nothing whatsoever, in fact. so quitting. tweeting will continue...
Monday, April 5, 2010
Marriage to coolbabe4u not valid : Shoib Maalik
Shoib Maalik postponed his return to Pakistan for the 4th time in two weeks, when he was dragged to court over an alleged nikaah with coolbabe4u@yahoo.co.in, alias Shakeel Ahmed, Hyderabad. Shoib, as readers will know, is paying alimony through e-cheques to lolzchick, hot_rakhi and xxx4u, his three registered marriages prior to Aisha, none of whose real identities are known.
"It all started with installing that cursed dial-up internet at home. It was too slow to download anything but fast enough for Yahoo chat", said Shoib with a sigh. "I chatted day and night with strangers. Many of them wanted me to send a marriage document with my signature, in exchange for their photos which I badly needed. I met coolbabe4u in 2002 and I was on a rebound from a bitter chat fight with hot_rakhi. cb4u as I called her affectionately, was like a breath of fresh air and I proposed on impulse. Little did I know 'she' would turn out to be the prank of a teenager in Hyderabad. He even sent me snaps of Ishwarya Rai and I was really looking forward to married life.'
This saga seems to be affecting Saina Mizra's tennis as well as she lost in the first round at the Hyderabad-Secunderabad challenge tournament earlier this week.
"It all started with installing that cursed dial-up internet at home. It was too slow to download anything but fast enough for Yahoo chat", said Shoib with a sigh. "I chatted day and night with strangers. Many of them wanted me to send a marriage document with my signature, in exchange for their photos which I badly needed. I met coolbabe4u in 2002 and I was on a rebound from a bitter chat fight with hot_rakhi. cb4u as I called her affectionately, was like a breath of fresh air and I proposed on impulse. Little did I know 'she' would turn out to be the prank of a teenager in Hyderabad. He even sent me snaps of Ishwarya Rai and I was really looking forward to married life.'
This saga seems to be affecting Saina Mizra's tennis as well as she lost in the first round at the Hyderabad-Secunderabad challenge tournament earlier this week.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
To whomsoever this may concern
I write to recommend Mr. Dandan Dandanadevan for the Graduate Program in Arachnomatics at your University. I offer a second year course in advanced photography at the Chennai Institute of Technology and also head the photography laboratory. I have been Assistant Professor at this Institute for the last 25 years. I have over 250 research publications to my credit as well as innumerable journal articles. But I digress.
I have definitely seen this guy Dandan somewhere. Was it at the annual cul-fest? No, that guy was thinner. I can't place him exactly but certainly looks like a decent chap.
So, CIT takes in 500 students every year. I remember about 2 students in every batch by name and 20 more by face - the ones who take my course and show interest. There are about 30 more in the grey area who register for the course and meet me only during the end term examination. And then the other 450 students of the batch who I run into in the corridors. I swear Dandan's not in the first 22.
But I urge you to consider this problem in a practical manner. From historical data, 100% of all students requesting me for a recommendation letter have taken my course. The only way Dandan could be otherwise is if he knew I would think along these lines and is exploiting my complacence. Let's say the probability of that happening is 1%, a very aggressive estimate.
I give only B and C grades to my students. About 90% of the reco-letter seekers are "B-putters". C putters come to me if they have flunked just about every other course or if they have done something extraordinary that they think I should remember them by. In either case, out of sympathy, you may consider this letter to be a strong recommendation.
So Dandan has an 89.1% chance of having taken my course and obtained a B grade. This is of course in addition to a 10% chance of being in one of the college sports teams and a 2% chance of being a coordinator of the cul-fest, and so on.
Reducing this based on data of a perfectly normal dude going crazy in the US, I have decided to give you an 80%-correct assurance overall that Dandan will be an asset to your university just as he was likely to have been to ours. If I'm provided more data on how I know him exactly, I could better my estimate.
I have definitely seen this guy Dandan somewhere. Was it at the annual cul-fest? No, that guy was thinner. I can't place him exactly but certainly looks like a decent chap.
So, CIT takes in 500 students every year. I remember about 2 students in every batch by name and 20 more by face - the ones who take my course and show interest. There are about 30 more in the grey area who register for the course and meet me only during the end term examination. And then the other 450 students of the batch who I run into in the corridors. I swear Dandan's not in the first 22.
But I urge you to consider this problem in a practical manner. From historical data, 100% of all students requesting me for a recommendation letter have taken my course. The only way Dandan could be otherwise is if he knew I would think along these lines and is exploiting my complacence. Let's say the probability of that happening is 1%, a very aggressive estimate.
I give only B and C grades to my students. About 90% of the reco-letter seekers are "B-putters". C putters come to me if they have flunked just about every other course or if they have done something extraordinary that they think I should remember them by. In either case, out of sympathy, you may consider this letter to be a strong recommendation.
So Dandan has an 89.1% chance of having taken my course and obtained a B grade. This is of course in addition to a 10% chance of being in one of the college sports teams and a 2% chance of being a coordinator of the cul-fest, and so on.
Reducing this based on data of a perfectly normal dude going crazy in the US, I have decided to give you an 80%-correct assurance overall that Dandan will be an asset to your university just as he was likely to have been to ours. If I'm provided more data on how I know him exactly, I could better my estimate.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Pityananda claims he is Tiger Woodz
Full text of Godman Pityananda's apology speech
"I know I have been irresponsible. I have caused unspeakable harm to my domestic life in several south Indian towns (under different aliases, of course) and have completely nipped my porn film career in the bud, with this leaked video with laughable production values.
I know many people here believed in me. They believed I was God Himself, and so the same rules didn't apply. They thought it would be my face that would be blurred out in the leaked video. They heard me say 'celibate' when I'd actually said 'celebrate', the morons. Anyway as Ranjida and Gia and Bhagirathi and... well, as they all said to me yesterday, I have to show my repentance in action. I intend to speak to Ranjida and make amends. What we will say and do, will be strictly between the two of us. And on youtube after a while for free download.
I also have thousands of emails and messages from my countless devotees, and some from the court and the local police as well. I haven't opened them but I'm overwhelmed at this show of affection. To the skeptics who don't believe in me, who think I'm not God's incarnate on earth, I have only one thing to say. I'm Tiger Woodz, actually. His Indian avatar. No really, we are the same person.
I have a lot of work to do. I intend to turn Buddhist and live the values which my mother taught me at a very young age, too young for me to remember any of that stuff now. I only ask one thing of you. Please don't ransack my ashrams. Dudes, let's face facts. I'm a really ugly dude and it takes me time to set up a racket like this with all these struggling actresses. Go find your own room...find room in your own heart to forgive me. Thank you."
"I know I have been irresponsible. I have caused unspeakable harm to my domestic life in several south Indian towns (under different aliases, of course) and have completely nipped my porn film career in the bud, with this leaked video with laughable production values.
I know many people here believed in me. They believed I was God Himself, and so the same rules didn't apply. They thought it would be my face that would be blurred out in the leaked video. They heard me say 'celibate' when I'd actually said 'celebrate', the morons. Anyway as Ranjida and Gia and Bhagirathi and... well, as they all said to me yesterday, I have to show my repentance in action. I intend to speak to Ranjida and make amends. What we will say and do, will be strictly between the two of us. And on youtube after a while for free download.
I also have thousands of emails and messages from my countless devotees, and some from the court and the local police as well. I haven't opened them but I'm overwhelmed at this show of affection. To the skeptics who don't believe in me, who think I'm not God's incarnate on earth, I have only one thing to say. I'm Tiger Woodz, actually. His Indian avatar. No really, we are the same person.
I have a lot of work to do. I intend to turn Buddhist and live the values which my mother taught me at a very young age, too young for me to remember any of that stuff now. I only ask one thing of you. Please don't ransack my ashrams. Dudes, let's face facts. I'm a really ugly dude and it takes me time to set up a racket like this with all these struggling actresses. Go find your own room...find room in your own heart to forgive me. Thank you."
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Mixer remix
"Sir"
"What?"
"Project, sir"
The teacher held up what we showed him and inspected it.
"What is this?"
"Toy mixie"
In 7th standard, my project partner and I decided on 'toy mixie' as our project in this course called 'electrical gadgets' which was P/F(pass/fail - which meant it didn't matter). It was one Sunday's work - buy cups, a motor, rotating blades, some wires and a battery, connect the blades to the motor and connect up the motor to power and voila!
We got a P with distinction on that assignment. This post is not about that, though.
We were in 11th standard. We still had 'electrical gadgets' taught by the same teacher and it was still pass/fail. In the 4 years since 7th standard, the scope of the course had changed immensely to high-tech electrical and electronics mumbo-jumbo. TVs, antennas, diodes, ICs, Ritchie Street (where one presumably bought these items), transformers - you name it, the syllabus covered it. The teacher painstakingly suggested project topics which I can't even remember now and told us how we could go about buying stuff at R-street, connect stuff up and make stuff work, to put it in technical terms. What hadn't changed in four years, was our decision to not take this course seriously. Also, the toy mixie.
Me : "Looks like people are actually doing the project da"
Partner : "What nonsense. It's EG, man. No one's doing anything"
Me: "Ok"
Partner : "I saw XYZ in Ritchie street, da. Tomorrow's the deadline for the project submission"
Me : "What project? No one'll submit, man. Who dare submit when we haven't done anything?"
Partner : "Worst case? If everyone submits? Shall I bring that toy mixie from 7th class?"
Me : "You mean go to the those juniors and steal their project?"
Partner : " No no. I have ours from 4 years back"
Me : "Oh great! Done! That should work!"
And so the worst case scenario did come true. People were roaming around with ICs and antennas and the classroom felt like a miniature ISRO launch. Our mixie faded in comparison but it still worked (- we'd gotten a new battery). Our turn to submit came after an especially complicated project.
"How did you even think of submitting this? Where's the electronics, da? Antenna? Ritchie Street? I taught so many things in class? What the hell is this?"
Our teacher was delirious with anger. We didn't have much to say to redeem the situation.
"Toy mixie, sir" and I connected the wires and the blades started rotating. I thought some action would do the trick. Not to be. He grabbed it and flung it on the table.
"I know what it is. I know what it is. I know what it is. The big mistake the school made is to not include this course in your marks. You would not even have passed. You would have stayed in this class forever. In fact..."
I switched off. I think the outburst went on for 5 minutes. It was a lifetime's frustration from conducting a pass/fail course so we didn't hold it against him.
"...but now what to do. Next"
We saw him put a P in the P/F column. We looked to see if the mixie had been damaged. Could come in handy in engineering college.
"What?"
"Project, sir"
The teacher held up what we showed him and inspected it.
"What is this?"
"Toy mixie"
In 7th standard, my project partner and I decided on 'toy mixie' as our project in this course called 'electrical gadgets' which was P/F(pass/fail - which meant it didn't matter). It was one Sunday's work - buy cups, a motor, rotating blades, some wires and a battery, connect the blades to the motor and connect up the motor to power and voila!
We got a P with distinction on that assignment. This post is not about that, though.
We were in 11th standard. We still had 'electrical gadgets' taught by the same teacher and it was still pass/fail. In the 4 years since 7th standard, the scope of the course had changed immensely to high-tech electrical and electronics mumbo-jumbo. TVs, antennas, diodes, ICs, Ritchie Street (where one presumably bought these items), transformers - you name it, the syllabus covered it. The teacher painstakingly suggested project topics which I can't even remember now and told us how we could go about buying stuff at R-street, connect stuff up and make stuff work, to put it in technical terms. What hadn't changed in four years, was our decision to not take this course seriously. Also, the toy mixie.
Me : "Looks like people are actually doing the project da"
Partner : "What nonsense. It's EG, man. No one's doing anything"
Me: "Ok"
Partner : "I saw XYZ in Ritchie street, da. Tomorrow's the deadline for the project submission"
Me : "What project? No one'll submit, man. Who dare submit when we haven't done anything?"
Partner : "Worst case? If everyone submits? Shall I bring that toy mixie from 7th class?"
Me : "You mean go to the those juniors and steal their project?"
Partner : " No no. I have ours from 4 years back"
Me : "Oh great! Done! That should work!"
And so the worst case scenario did come true. People were roaming around with ICs and antennas and the classroom felt like a miniature ISRO launch. Our mixie faded in comparison but it still worked (- we'd gotten a new battery). Our turn to submit came after an especially complicated project.
"How did you even think of submitting this? Where's the electronics, da? Antenna? Ritchie Street? I taught so many things in class? What the hell is this?"
Our teacher was delirious with anger. We didn't have much to say to redeem the situation.
"Toy mixie, sir" and I connected the wires and the blades started rotating. I thought some action would do the trick. Not to be. He grabbed it and flung it on the table.
"I know what it is. I know what it is. I know what it is. The big mistake the school made is to not include this course in your marks. You would not even have passed. You would have stayed in this class forever. In fact..."
I switched off. I think the outburst went on for 5 minutes. It was a lifetime's frustration from conducting a pass/fail course so we didn't hold it against him.
"...but now what to do. Next"
We saw him put a P in the P/F column. We looked to see if the mixie had been damaged. Could come in handy in engineering college.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The worst job in the world
I often look at people in bad jobs and wonder what keeps them going. What do they tell themselves when they wake up in the morning to be able to get to office? One such job that completely beats me is the job of a villain's henchman/assistant (VA) in Indian movies. What allows our leery evil villains to garner enough charisma to be able to make slaves out of these well-meaning energetic youngsters? Let's look at this job along some accepted parameters of workplace motivation.
Job security : I think we skipped a parameter
Security : None. In fact, assured death. The VA has many options but those only cover the means by which he dies. In about 75% of known cases, he gets killed in various gruesome ways by the villain himself for seemingly small errors such as being beaten up by the hero, and in some cases for carrying bad news. There's a third special circumstance where he betrays the villain and thinks everything's hunky-dory if he blabs the villain's secrets to the police and/or the hero. It's re-think time in about 10 seconds when he gets killed after being of partial use to the hero's efforts by giving him some cryptic clue about a treasure or the location where the hero's family's being dangled tantalisingly close to boiling water.
Boss : Talk about the bad boss syndrome. The villain is hardly seen giving any positive reinforcement to any member of his coterie. The average dancer-lady gets more praise from the villain, albeit drunk, in one song than the VA in a whole year. The villain frequently sets the VAs impossible targets ending with "..now". If the VA communicates negative feedback to the boss, he has no choice but to quit the establishment. Where quitting refers to 'run as fast as you can and I will shoot you at the count of 10'.
Compensation : There is actually no salary per se, leave alone performance incentives. The villain takes the topline and takes care of his staff's basic needs. There is absolutely no incentive to smuggle more gold or steal more cash or to do better than Saambha at anything. The VA's loyalty is inexplicable because he could easily go to the police and collect the bounty amount on his boss's head. He would get killed for betrayal but as we mentioned earlier, he's bound to die anyway.
Growth : The single factor that keeps a VA going is probably the dream that he would take over the mantle from his boss some day and enjoy the kind of absolute power he enjoys. But this almost never comes true because sadly, the villain is usually the last member of his gang to die in the movie. If it's the climax and the VA is still alive, be assured that an impatient hero will wring his neck shortly, something that would be called a 'soft dismissal' in cricket.
Team : On the whole, peer quality leaves a lot to be desired. The VAs at vantage points have terrible aim and they are in fact, the first to fall. The others blaze a trail of bullet fire where the hero has recently been and seem to suffer from a time lag of a few seconds. There is also complete lack of coordination among the VAs which is seen from their approaching the hero one by one even when they have him cornered or surrounded.
Perks : VA's usually have access to a large number of multi-purpose vehicles (bikes, cars, lorries) but these incur the wrath of the stunt choreographer, who while allowing a hero's vehicle to land safely after encountering an upward slanted cart, in the same circumstance would let the VA be bounced into a pool and killed and let the vehicle itself be mauled and mangled.
Job security : I think we skipped a parameter
Security : None. In fact, assured death. The VA has many options but those only cover the means by which he dies. In about 75% of known cases, he gets killed in various gruesome ways by the villain himself for seemingly small errors such as being beaten up by the hero, and in some cases for carrying bad news. There's a third special circumstance where he betrays the villain and thinks everything's hunky-dory if he blabs the villain's secrets to the police and/or the hero. It's re-think time in about 10 seconds when he gets killed after being of partial use to the hero's efforts by giving him some cryptic clue about a treasure or the location where the hero's family's being dangled tantalisingly close to boiling water.
Boss : Talk about the bad boss syndrome. The villain is hardly seen giving any positive reinforcement to any member of his coterie. The average dancer-lady gets more praise from the villain, albeit drunk, in one song than the VA in a whole year. The villain frequently sets the VAs impossible targets ending with "..now". If the VA communicates negative feedback to the boss, he has no choice but to quit the establishment. Where quitting refers to 'run as fast as you can and I will shoot you at the count of 10'.
Compensation : There is actually no salary per se, leave alone performance incentives. The villain takes the topline and takes care of his staff's basic needs. There is absolutely no incentive to smuggle more gold or steal more cash or to do better than Saambha at anything. The VA's loyalty is inexplicable because he could easily go to the police and collect the bounty amount on his boss's head. He would get killed for betrayal but as we mentioned earlier, he's bound to die anyway.
Growth : The single factor that keeps a VA going is probably the dream that he would take over the mantle from his boss some day and enjoy the kind of absolute power he enjoys. But this almost never comes true because sadly, the villain is usually the last member of his gang to die in the movie. If it's the climax and the VA is still alive, be assured that an impatient hero will wring his neck shortly, something that would be called a 'soft dismissal' in cricket.
Team : On the whole, peer quality leaves a lot to be desired. The VAs at vantage points have terrible aim and they are in fact, the first to fall. The others blaze a trail of bullet fire where the hero has recently been and seem to suffer from a time lag of a few seconds. There is also complete lack of coordination among the VAs which is seen from their approaching the hero one by one even when they have him cornered or surrounded.
Perks : VA's usually have access to a large number of multi-purpose vehicles (bikes, cars, lorries) but these incur the wrath of the stunt choreographer, who while allowing a hero's vehicle to land safely after encountering an upward slanted cart, in the same circumstance would let the VA be bounced into a pool and killed and let the vehicle itself be mauled and mangled.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Agenda is your head
Me : Hi, I just called to say there's a review meeting this Friday at 3 pm. Please attend.
Indian agency : Yes, sir, we will be there! Just tell us location.
Foreign agency : There's a meeting? This Friday?!
Me : (No, last friday. I called to circulate minutes orally)
Foreign agency : Who's calling for this meeting?
Me : (Your father and my father calling joint meeting of both families)
FA : What's to review? I mean review of what exactly?
Me : (Dey! If I tell to come, just come silently, man. Indian agency coming no? Like that)
FA : What's the agenda?
Me : (Agenda is your head. We want to see the wire in your head that is always asking agenda, agenda. Except when cash is paid against your invoice. That time agenda, bagenda all forget)
FA : Can we make it next month instead? I have something else lined up on that day.
Me : (What? Nextuuuuu monthaa? Your this playfulness only we like very much. Cancel that something else and come)
FA : We need to pull in some resources from abroad for this meeting.
Me : (Then you are what for? I'll call that guy directly only no? and I will pay prorata that much less after subtracting your personal time being charged)
FA : We can't be presenting that piece. That's well outside our scope of services.
Me : (First tell what is inside scope, machi. All pieces falling in the well outside your scope. Inside scope only arbitration for nonpayment of your fee, that also in neutral country)
FA : We can't be held responsible for that delay. We highlighted this possibility in the previous meeting and you should have taken action
Me : (Dey! We don't take action on highlighting and all, da dey. We take only postmortem action, that's our style)
FA : Our objective view is that this whole 10 week project will take about 6 months to complete
Me : (Who said 10 weeks, man? If you say 10 weeks to Indian agency it means full-fledged 2 year project. Instead, if you give realistic timeline to them, they will soon make it unrealistic)
FA : Could we at least do a "premeeting" to look at pending issues?
Me : (Pending issues in "premeeting" means then in "meeting" what will you do? Just drinking tea and leaving?)
FA : Could we do a conference call at least?
Me : (For last time, stop calling normal phone calls conference call. Minimum is 3 in India)
FA : We'll be there. Tell us the location.
Me : (This you could have asked at the beginning only no? And avoided this unnecessary "conference call" heehee)
Indian agency : Yes, sir, we will be there! Just tell us location.
Foreign agency : There's a meeting? This Friday?!
Me : (No, last friday. I called to circulate minutes orally)
Foreign agency : Who's calling for this meeting?
Me : (Your father and my father calling joint meeting of both families)
FA : What's to review? I mean review of what exactly?
Me : (Dey! If I tell to come, just come silently, man. Indian agency coming no? Like that)
FA : What's the agenda?
Me : (Agenda is your head. We want to see the wire in your head that is always asking agenda, agenda. Except when cash is paid against your invoice. That time agenda, bagenda all forget)
FA : Can we make it next month instead? I have something else lined up on that day.
Me : (What? Nextuuuuu monthaa? Your this playfulness only we like very much. Cancel that something else and come)
FA : We need to pull in some resources from abroad for this meeting.
Me : (Then you are what for? I'll call that guy directly only no? and I will pay prorata that much less after subtracting your personal time being charged)
FA : We can't be presenting that piece. That's well outside our scope of services.
Me : (First tell what is inside scope, machi. All pieces falling in the well outside your scope. Inside scope only arbitration for nonpayment of your fee, that also in neutral country)
FA : We can't be held responsible for that delay. We highlighted this possibility in the previous meeting and you should have taken action
Me : (Dey! We don't take action on highlighting and all, da dey. We take only postmortem action, that's our style)
FA : Our objective view is that this whole 10 week project will take about 6 months to complete
Me : (Who said 10 weeks, man? If you say 10 weeks to Indian agency it means full-fledged 2 year project. Instead, if you give realistic timeline to them, they will soon make it unrealistic)
FA : Could we at least do a "premeeting" to look at pending issues?
Me : (Pending issues in "premeeting" means then in "meeting" what will you do? Just drinking tea and leaving?)
FA : Could we do a conference call at least?
Me : (For last time, stop calling normal phone calls conference call. Minimum is 3 in India)
FA : We'll be there. Tell us the location.
Me : (This you could have asked at the beginning only no? And avoided this unnecessary "conference call" heehee)
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